Pickwick's blog: "Who I am"

(Taken from my MySpace blog, just thought I would share, though it is long lol.)

Honesty is good right? I like honesty, even if it doesn't exactly make me feel good.
 And I figure the only people who read these are people who kinda care what's going on in my life, and if you are a friend, I have nothing to hide really.

  If you aren't a friend, why in the world are you reading this crap? ; ).

  So recently I decided something, and it's not like usually when I decide something, this is gonna happen. As most of y'all know since the tornado (WOW, almost 2 years ago!) I've had panic attacks, or I call them neurotic attacks since it does funky things to my nerves and back. Anyway, since it happened I have been a little emotionally... unbalanced? I guess? What I mean is I can go from happy to sad to angry any time during the day, and sometimes I'll just remember tornado stuff and remember the sounds and feelings and all that and it messes with me, makes me feel shakey and yeah even a little scared. I've struggled with depression off and on since I was 12, so that isn't a huge deal or anything, but trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere feel this incredible depression/panicky feeling and start crying, and not know why? That I don't like. That's what made me decide "Okay, there is something wrong with me" so... I'm gonna talk to my doctor, since ignoring hasn't seemed to help -go figure!
  Part of me is afraid, I mean I hate pills, the only time I take pills is when I am desperate -in other words, cramps, bad headaches, or when I've coughed 30 times in the last hour.
  So, am I kinda being a hypocrite? I mean since I am usually SO against pill popping and all that. Yet...I'm tired of living like this. I never wanted to start taking any kind of pill because I thought too many people turned to pills to "fix" everything, and I know how it can screw with your mind and body. But I know there are some out there that help, like the pills my mom takes for Fibro. There still isn't a cure but, if it can make it a little easier on her I'm all for it.
  And I do mean I'm against most pills, this may be a little more than you wanna know but I don't even wanna take birth control in the pill form, still not sure on the other forms. And no, that is not why I am still a virgin, that is a combination of religion, wanting to not just sleep around with anyone, and thinking that sex is actually a deeper thing than just putting "___ in the ___ and have fun!" lol. Plus, I figure if I ever got knocked up, I wouldn't wanna go through that alone and I don't know there's just a lot behind the virgin thing but that's besides the point -I'm very easily distracted sometimes.

  So I'm torn. I don't want to become an artificial version of me, because yeah I can be a little too emotional... but I sorta like me, when I'm not annoying myself : ).  Depression aside, I also don't like my temper. I don't get violent, I don't break things or hit, I don't know if I've ever really hit anyone excluding playing around.   Usually I tend to take my frustrations out on myself, whether it be not eating, not drinking, not sleeping, or... yeah even bodily harm. I will admit I have... well cut. I can't remember the last time I did though, I have tried to stop a few times but this time I really have no desire to add anymore scars. And for anyone who doesn't know, I hope I didn't disappoint or upset, I never cut deep so there was never any real danger. The thing that hurt the most was cleaning them and the alcohol...yeesh! And no, that doesn't make me emo, just... I don't know.
  My theory has always been; Everyone has problems, mine aren't any worse than a lot of things people are going through. It took me a long time to realize just because there were people worse off didn't mean my problems were as trivial as I thought. Everyone's problems are important, even mine.
  I may be betraying myself, but right now I kinda don't care, I wanna be happy and not always think "it won't last," that it's just a matter of time before something happens to ruin the good times. How is that any way to live?

  I would like to think I've grown as a person, that I'm better than say...three years ago. Actually I know I am, I uploaded a video on YouTube and actually showed myself -the real kicker is that I wasn't wearing any makeup! I never would have done that before. I got some help with that stuff though, and thanks will never be enough to explain how grateful I am for that help.


  I guess I have been talking long enough er- I mean typing.
  That's what has been going on with me, any thoughts or advice?
 

  By the by, I have to say... Hobby Lobby... ROCKS! I went for the first time in years and aye! I was good and spent actually not a lot of money, but got some cool stuff, and some stuff for a centerpiece for my aunt's baby shower, so I felt good : ).

  I love you all, even when I'm mad at you or have hurt feelings ; ), I hope everyone is doing great and is safe and enjoying all the stuff that is worth enjoying in this world. Adios, te queirro tanto, and all that schtick!