Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

<b>nine inch nails.even deeper</b>i woke up today. to find myself in the other place. with a trail of my footprints. from where i ran away. seems everything i've heard just might be true. you know me, well you think you do. sometimes i have everything, yet i wish i felt something. do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have i become? when i think i can overcome. it runs even deeper. in a dream, i'm a different me. a perfect you, we fit perfectly. for once in my life, i feel complete. and i still want to ruin it. afraid to look. as clear as day. this plan has long been underway. i hear them call, i cannot stay. the voice inviting me away. do you know how far this has gone? just how damaged have i become? when i think i can overcome. it runs even deeper. everything that matters is gone. all the hands of hope have withdrawn. could you try to help me hang on. it runs... i'm straight, i won't crack. on my way and i can't turn back. i'm okay, i'm on track. on my way and i can't go back. i've stayed, on this track. gone too far, and i can't go back. i've stayed, on this track. lost my way, can't go back... So, really. Everyone does, or at least used to, have the album that defines their life. That is the turning point and becomes the soundtrack to their lives... The one that really touches them and points them onto the right path. Or the wrong path, whatever. We're not going to argue semantics. And the album THE FRAGILE was it, for me. And is it, for me. It came to me in the fall of '99. Early september... Yeah, it just had it's tenth birthday, and when I realized it, it made me... happy. To think that it sounds just as fresh and resonates just as well today? That's an achievement. But it came to me in the fall of '99... that was the fall that me and The Catholic were getting together, or were already together. The actual start date on that one was a bit hazy to begin with, now with ten years gone? I have no clue. I know the sequence of events, all too well, but the actual timeline is lost. I think we were already together. That should've been July or August of '99. Because it was before school started... and well, my story behind everything there is not for now, not for here. But it was a chaotic time in my life, being all of 17. God... I wish I could remember it better, only 10 years ago. But, I can't. Some of that I can attribute to lysergicacid dyethalemyde, and if I fucked up the spelling, you'll live. But that's a cheap excuse. When the album came out, I kept it in a plastic bag, to keep it safe as it was transported from place to place... I already knew it was going to be special. Beautiful. and there it is, but this was the album that helped me through that (The Catholic) debacle. It gave me sanity, it gave me something tangible to hold onto. It's just interesting... there are days where I feel to the contrary, where other albums hold the same importance to me, but really? It's not true. Maybe I want to distance myself from the album, from the time... That's possible. Because there's a lot of pain attached to it, to the memories about the album that I may never forget, no matter how badly I may want to. It's highly possible. But the thing is, the album, when I put it on, always takes me to a place of comfort, more than any person ever has. It's a Safe-Place. I can throw it on, and maybe transport my mind back to the calm of '99, to the joy and excitement of a new nine inch nails record (keep in mind, the last new nine inch nails record was '94s The Downward Spiral... and at 17? That felt like an eternity)... maybe that's why it does that, or maybe it's because there are so many fucking songs on it that I relate to, that run in a parallel to my life, to my thinking. Maybe because it's the best friend I never had. The one who was always there, damn the consequences... and, unlike a book, it only takes 100 minutes to reach the end of, then it starts all over again. Now what is it that makes The Fragile different than say... Pretty Hate Machine? Broken? The Downward Spiral? With Teeth? or Year Zero? or even GHOSTS I-IV? I couldn't tell you. Those albums mean a great deal to me, in their own way. PHM is more focused around love, or lost-love... or as someone once put it, 'I hate myself and want to fuck'... Broken is an assault on the senses. It comes in with 'pinion', a brooding intro, and smashes you in the mouth with WISH... from there on? It's brutal, and has been dubbed the 'I hate myself and want to kill' album, and when I'm in one of those moods? Where I want to spill blood by the gallons? It's on. And coincidentally enough, it's the album that I write best to. Not because of the brutality, but because of the tempo, and it's not really dynamic. It's in your face... And it just keeps my fingers moving across this little keyboard. I wrote the entirety of In Waiting to 'broken'. Then, of course, we have 'the downward spiral'... Personally, not my favourite album in hindsight, but once I put it on, I remember how beautiful it is. Contradictory? Not so much. TDS is a ... complicated album to say the least, and I can't go into it here.... but you get the point? These albums all have their high and low points... Not so many low points, but there is something about them that doesn't resonate the same way that The Fragile does... It doesn't really matter, I suppose. If someone were to ask me, I'd have to say The Fragile is hands-down, my favourite album of all time. It has, and it will continue to keep me sane. Or at least, give me some hope for tomorrow. Which is funny, because the structure of the story is ... How do describe it short and succinct? It starts at the bottom, rises to the top, and finds itself at the bottom again, cycling back to the beginning. Much like The Wall... the Pink Floyd album ...It's a vicious cycle that may never truly fix itself. Do you care about any of this, probably not, and that's okay. In an odd sort of way, I'm at peace, and I simply don't care. It's alright, I don't mind. The chaos of the last few weeks finally... exploded last night, and I'm sifting through the pieces. Lost like 3-4 friends last night in one fell swoop. Well, okay. 1 friend and a few acquaintances, and then there were none. Kind of funny, really. Just, cut my losses, I suppose. It's ugly and I don't care to discuss it in detail, so we won't. The only motherfucker is, Winter is coming. I don't like Winter to begin with, and I sure as fuck hate it when going in alone. Fucking SAD shit. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Something like that... I don't know for certain. I just fucking hate winter. It's already starting to take affect and it's only October. This winter won't be pretty. <b>nine inch nails.where is everybody?</b>did you happen to catch? or did it happen so fast, that what you thought would last has past you by. is everything speeding up? or am i slowing down? i'm just spinning around. and i don't know why. all the pieces don't fit. thought i really didn't give a shit. i never wanted to be like you. but for all i aspire, i'm only a liar. and i'm running out of things i can do. i'd like to stay. but every day. everything pushes me farther away. if you could show. help me to know. how it's supposed to be. where did it go? pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding. feeding, exceeding. where is everybody? trying and lying, defying denying. crying and dying. where is everybody?well okay, enough. you've had your fun. but c'mon, there has got to be someone. hasn't yet become. so numb and succumb. and god damn. i am so tired of pretending. of wishing i was ending. when all i'm really doing is trying to hide. keep it inside. fill it with lies. open my eyes. maybe i wish i could try. pleading and needing and bleeding and breeding. feeding, exceeding. where is everybody? trying and lying, defying, denying, crying and dying. where is everybody? Yeah... that's the song for winter. Lol. Oh well, those who manage to stick around through winter with me are my true friends, I suppose. A lot of tests coming, I see. A few have already fallen by the wayside. It's sad, but there's nothing I can do about it, it's not my choice. If it were my choice, it'd be vaguely different. Now... I'm sure someone will say, if you don't like it, change it. If only it were that easy. That would involve changing who I am, and I'm not about to do that. I have ethics, I yam who I yam. I'm not going to put on a plastic smile and tell them that everything is okie dokie when it isn't. I respect people too much to lie to them. What I may do (I know it's an idle fantasy, a pipedream) is tell everyone to fuck off and leave. Just up and head to somewhere sunny, but sadly, I can't. Suzie needs me. Father needs me. They would survive just fine without me. Well, Suzie would. My father would die and lay in his bed for six months before someone noticed. It's just... I don't know. As much as I'd love to pick up and leave it all behind, I can't. Some fucking ethical dilemma. Part of me deeply wants to move to Virginia... I would say Idaho, but the winters there suck. I've heard stories. No, actually... Maybe I'll head out to Cali and dance on the fault line. That would be fun fun fun 'til daddy takes the t-bird away. Really, the thing is... I'm fucking alone as it is, if I left and moved somewhere where no one knew my name, I'd be even more alone. And as we all know, I'm shit at making new friends. Actually, my standards are too high... which isn't entirely as irrelevant as it seems. <b>nine inch nails.10 miles high</b>i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. all the time. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. all the time. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. all the time. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i'm getting closer. i tried to get so high. i made it 10 miles high. i'm going to get so high. i'm going to get so high. you'll never get inside. i swore i'd never turn into you. i'm closer all the time. i made it 10 miles high. can't tell my truths from my lies. i swore to god i would never turn into you. i'm getting closer all, all the time. tear it all down. tear it all down. tear it all down. tear it all down... The catch is, I don't understand people, I don't relate well with people, I don't like people, and people feel the same toward me. They can handle me for a short while, they can try, but they all leave in the end. With precious few exceptions. There are exceptions, of course there are. But whatever, that's trivial. I'm not talking about the exceptions, I'm talking about people in general. The thing is. I do fill my life with cannon fodder that I know won't last, and why? Because it beats being alone, and I'm not going to monopolize the time and lives of those who're true, and slowly but surely, the summer's cannon fodder has dwindled to nothing, so it's time to bring in the reserves. Maybe. I might not bother this year, and just take this winter all on my onesy, savvy? If I survive then, great. If not, then that's the way the cookie crook crumbles. I'm sure I'll survive this year. I'm the little planet that could. I know, I'm just postponing the inevitable, but whatever. There's still a couple people here that actually need me... so basically, what I'm saying is, once my dad is gone, all bets are off. LOL ... But hey, that's another 10 years off, I guess. Providing the world doesn't end before then, or some socio-political upheaval that turns the US into a true third-world nation with no law and order no more. It's possible, I foresee the potential of it happening in the next decade or two, but I'm not getting into socio-political conversations or debates right now. Dig? I don't know, nor do I really care at the moment. Really, I don't know. I don't have a clue what's happening or what tomorrow shall bring. Maybe everything will be a-ok tomorrow. It's possible. I don't think so, but it's that sliver of a possibility that keeps me going. Funny, ain't it? Call me a pessimist again, motherfucker. Ha ha ha. I don't know. My brain feels dissonant. It's just that... Well, I'm really not as nuts as you may think, I just have an odd stream of consciousness. Maybe it's not so odd, but I can't get anyone to give me their stream of consciousness to study. Most people don't really talk to me, and ... well, whatever. Well, okay. Let me put it this way. We'll talk for the first few months, then it'll turn into one-word conversations, and I cut my losses. One thing I cannot do is carry a conversation. I can, but I no longer choose to. I'm not going to force a conversation. However, I was raised right, I suppose. I do say 'bye' or 'later' or whatever when I know a conversation has ended. I don't just fuck off and do my own thing. It's just the way I was raised... to have respect for people, even those who don't deserve it. See, the thing is. Respect is like trust. Or trust is like respect? I don't know, but whatever, it has to be earned. Same with love. If it's just given away, it's worthless. I don't trust everyone, I don't respect everyone, and I sure as fuck don't love everyone. Which is funny, because the first two? People think it's expected. Now, can I be friends with someone that I don't trust or respect? Can I even be in a relationship with someone like that? Absolutely. If they stick around long enough to earn those, splendid. Most don't, but that's not the point. People like to say, Trust until given a reason not to. That's silly. That's a one-way course to pain. You'll almost always be let down and hurt, because they have 'betrayed your trust'. If you have no trust in them, then you're less disappointed when the chips fall down. However, if they fuck you once they've earned your trust, that's a sticky situation. It hurts worse, but whatever. That doesn't matter, really. Well, it does. It does, but not for the sake of argument. I don't know... where was I going with that? Probably nowhere... <b>nine inch nails.i'm looking forward to joining you, finally</b>as black as the night can get. everything is safer now. there's always a way to forget. once you learn to find a way out. in the blur of serenity. where did everything get lost? the flowers of naivety. buried in a layer of frost. the smell of sunshine. i remember sometimes. thought he had it all before they called his bluff. found out that his skin just wasn't think enough. wanted to go back to how it was before. thought he lost everything. then he lost a whole lot more. the fools devotion. swallowed up in empty space. the tears of regret. frozen to the side of his face. the smell of sunshine. i remember sometimes. i've done all i can do. could i please come with you. sweet smell of sunshine. i remember sometimes... So, let's jump back to the fall of '99, well, the winter of '99/'00... Leaving all the gruesome details out from the very end/beginning of the year, what happened? Well, I shut down. I discarded all my friends except... well, The Catholic, actually, and I started fresh. Back in town with all new friends. Okay, so. That's how it happened, and here I am... I wonder if that was the beginning of the end, actually... But no, that's not where I was going. Let's use mythology as a point of reference. The Phoenix. Burns and rises from the ashes.. Maybe that's what needs to happen, 'eh? Maybe... I need to combust and rise from the ashes, with a whole new life. How did I do it then? Well, I OD'd. LOL. So, I need to find a new way to <i>reboot</i>... I'm getting the blue screen of death. Yes, the human mind is much like a computer, I'm sure you can see the parallels. But, maybe that's what needs to happen... I just need to find a way to get there. To cross that threshold and start anew. Meh. That's a depressing line of thought. I don't want to think about that... Not right now. We'll see how this winter turns out. If I make it or not. I refuse to make plans or script anything... then it's impure. I don't know, it's interesting, though... the concept of the whole damn thing. Oh well, what's a boy to do? I don't have a clue, and I think I'll have to set out on this journey alone. Which might be why I'm severing my contacts with a lot of people all at once. Maybe... Who knows, 'eh? I like what-ifs. They make me giggle. They make me smile... and maybe everything is coming back 'round again. Maybe the year of The Fragile is coming back to kick me in the nuts. Anything is possible, right? Maybe that was just a ... dry run. Maybe this time around, it'll stick. Everything happens for a reason, or at least, that's what they say. But 'they' say a lot, with nothing to really back it up... <b>nine inch nails.somewhat damaged</b>so impressed with all you do. tried so hard to be like you. flew too high and burnt the wing. lost my faith in everything. lick around divine debris. taste the wealth of hate in me. shedding skin, succumb, defeat. this machine is obsolete. made the choice to go away. drink the fountain of decay. tear a hole, exquisite red. fuck the rest and stab it dead. broken, bruised, forgotten, sore. too fucked up to care anymore. poisoned to my rotten core. too fucked up to care anymore. broken, bruised, forgotten, sore. too fucked up to care anymore. poisoned to my rotten core. too fucked up to care anymore. in the back. off the side and far away. is a place. where i hide, where i stay. tried to say, tried to ask. i needed to. all alone. by myself. where were you? how could i ever think, it's funny how. everything that swore it wouldn't change. is different now. just like you would always say. we'll make it through. then my head. fell apart. and where were you? how could i. ever think. it's funny how. everything you swore would never change. is different now. like you said. you and me. make it through. didn't quite. fell apart. where the fuck were you?