Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

[nine inch nails: beside you in time]
i am all alone this time around
sometimes on the side i hear a sound
places parallel, i know it's you
feel the pieces bleeding through
and on, this goes on and on and on

now that i've decided not to stay
i can feel me start to fade away
everything is back where it belongs
i will be beside you before long
and on, this goes on and on and on

ooh - we will never die
ooh - beside you in time
ooh - we will never die
ooh - beside you in time

[nine inch nails: right where it belongs]
see the animal in his cage that you built
are you sure what side you're on?
better not look him too closely in the eye
are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
see the safety of the life you have built
everything where it belongs
feel the hollowness inside of your heart
and it's all, right where it belongs

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems
what if all the world you think you know
is an elaborate dream
and if you look at your reflection
is that all you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see

what if all the worlds inside of your head
just creations of your own
your devils and your gods
all the living and the dead
and you really are alone
you can live in this illusion
you choose to believe
you keep looking but you can't find the woods
while you're hiding in the trees

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems
what if all the world you used to know
is an elaborate dream
and if you look at your reflection
is that you want it to be
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see




a few years back, i wondered just that... if all this was just inside my head... delusions. a crazy persons line of thought, and i quickly (okay, it took 2 years to really) dismissed it. because i realised, it was the quick and narrow path to insanity. questioning everything, not as i do, questioning it as fact, but questioning it as a delusion. a mirage. a true psychotic break... is it possible? of course it is. i've spent a lot of years really truly alone in my life. really, if life were a year... and 'friends' were snow... let's just say 2 winters ago would've been a good analogy. we had two patches of snow. two streaks of snow... and that's about it. i had a stretch in high school that actually kinda lasted until Des. the beginning or the end, it doesn't really matter. From there on out, i was alone... in a way. oh, i had plenty of company, but they were - something to do. literally. a lot of vaguely anonymous people, and the only reason they're not so anonymous is because i had to write their names down.

then there was another streak around ash, and it's slowly dwindling. the last one i have is Suzie, and a fact's a fact, it's been a few weeks. whatever, it doesn't matter really. it's just... the last month i've spent isolated and inside my own head... do i have people that i could talk to? of course i do. do i think they'd really begin to understand? not in the least bit. not really.... i met someone yesterday that did, to some degree, and not in a placating, smile-and-nod kind of way. the politeness that has infected this society ...it was sincere, and they actually "got it" in a way no one else has. but that's... in short, that's what makes a friend a friend. there are those who "get it" and those who don't, and those are what we call acquaintances. the people who... have no clue what's going on, and are pleasantly oblivious.

do i, would i ever fault them for it? hell no. i'm sure one or two of you have actually gotten me to talk, and it's one step away from gibberish. it's an incoherent mess of words that has no beginning or end. my mind, my thought process, is a moebius strip, and if you have no clue, wiki it. they're pretty, and i want one. actually, the more and more i sit and think about it, it does resemble a moebius strip, but that's neither here nor there.

i want a moebius strip...

and i don't expect anyone to really understand, and i sure as shit don't expect them to attempt to listen more than once, and to those who do... i feel so sorry for you. i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. listening to me talk and trying to assimilate the pieces into some coherent line of thought. it would be a fools errand.

what separates this statement from some idiotic "misunderstood" emo teenager? i've tried and tried again. i'm not so daft as to make a foundless assumption. i've tried with every single person i know, and it's most often answered with a blank stare. a confundus spell stare. or concession. they concede, throw their hands up and walk just... just like tori just did, but that's neither here nor there. it all goes back to that, i'm impossible to get along with... i've become truly impossible over the last... 10 years, let's say.

there was a time. maybe. where i was still in my pseudo-formative years, that maybe someone could have gotten through to teach me. to teach me how to communicate in a way accessible to the people as a whole.

(another good analogy... and in no way am i trying to compare it to this, but it makes sense, in a way - the last 3 David Lynch films... Lost Highway, Mulholland Drive, and Inland Empire. You either get them, or you don't. Even if you don't get them initially, your curiosity and need to answer the riddle will force you to watch them over and over until you get an inkling.)

does any of this matter? not at all. maybe i've gone off the deep end. maybe i am insane. not psychotic, but insane. a docile vegetable sitting in the common room eating yogurt endlessly, staring out the window (really - you need to watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It's a demand, a moral imperative) ...but no, my sanity doesn't matter. i am who i am, and i'm okay with that. i don't suffer labels. period. call me what you want, but not to face, because all i am is me, and it will piss me off. not because i'm insulted or i think you're taking the mickey, but because i fucking loathe labels, of any sort. i don't go out of my way to fit anywhere. i just am. i exist. i live. i breathe. i eat. i shit. i sleep. real basic. mate feed kill repeat.

so what does any of this matter? even in a crowd of people, i am alone. because they don't understand, they can't read my mind and cypher out what they want/need to make sense of me. i'm not anti-social or even angry. i'm quiet... and confused. very confused. and i'm lost, and i have gone too far out. i've lost my way...

i'm the sheep who got lost...

and in the end, i will be alone. my parents will die, sooner or later. i don't plan on them outliving me... but whatever. those people that i know will do as they do and we'll grow apart. essentially, they'll lose their fondness of me, and they will leave to be replaced, by other people, who will leave, and eventually i'll realise truly that i'm simply repeating the same fucking cycle and just give up, and close myself off entirely from the human race. i will go to work. i will eat. i will shit. i will sleep. and i will die.

"Every second wounds. The last one kills."
-unknown

can i deal with that? assuredly. i was there naught 2 years ago, i had no one but myself and really, it was pretty fucking okay. it took a couple years to really embrace it... i was tormented by the loneliness, as i am now, but i began to realise that... i was better in the long run. and maybe this is the last cycle i'll bother repeating. maybe once everyone has grown up and away, i'll shove the rest of it away and be... content. with my periodic adventures in the sheets until one of them kills me (diseases can be a motherfucker)

...was i getting somewhere?

[nine inch nails: non-entity]
the sky is not the same shade of blue
every single thing, i believe isn't true
missing in the maze of monochrome
how did i get here? how can i go home?

the echoes in my eyes
of all they used to see
burning down the world
the ashes and debris
and all that's left of me
a non-entity

tried to stand in line, tried to obey
the ghosts of what i was keep getting in the way
staring at the sun, blinded by the light
now i'm afraid i'm fading out of sight

the echoes in my eyes
of all they used to see
burning down the world
ashes and debris
and all that's left of you
and all that's left of me
all have washed away
non-entity


[nine inch nails: sunspots]
sunspots cast a glare in my eyes, sometimes, i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've got to get out of it's way
i hear it calling and i come because i can't disobey
i should not listen and i shouldn't believe, but i do - yes, i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologise
for the way i feel

my life, it seems has taken a turn
why in the name of god would i ever want to return?
peel off our skin, we're going to burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
i want to kill away the rest of what's left and i do, yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologise
for the way i feel

and nothing can stop me now
there is nothing to fear
and everything that ever was
is inside of here

i won't i won't i won't i won't inside of here

now i just stare into the sun
and i see everything i've done
i think i could have been someone
but i can't stop what has begun

when everything is said and done
and there is no place left to run
i think i used to be someone
now i just stare into the sun



what is there that's left? what's the point? there is tomorrow, the ultimate unknown, because tomorrow never makes it here, it's still just today.... and while today may be lost, tomorrow might be - something else. it's possible, yes.

honestly, it was interesting today... i saw eric and nicole's kid. he's a cute little shit, and would be a fascinating subject to observe. to examine. his little fingers and toes. littler than any i've ever seen, and so perfectly formed. just in miniature. like a perfect 1/16 model of a human... but there's more to it, really. more to seeing the kid and celebrating ron and suzanne's marriage (4 months late, but they were married in Jamaica, lucky bastards) until i realised i don't really have anything in common with any of these people. they have.... other people to ... they have "settled down", as they say... and i have nothing. nothing concrete, here, substantial. nothing that won't explode and fall apart on a whim. my life, my everything is... a balloon, and they are concrete. at any given moment, i could lose it all, and lose a whole lot more. in the blink of an eye. they have families. i have nothing. they have that unconditional, unwavering love ... that unangry love. that... something i don't have, nor will i probably ever truly have it. not in the really real world.

so what is there to do? disappear and leave, and travel the world as an anonymous stranger, absorbing as much knowledge and culture as humanly possible to fulfill my life? that's a thought, and an inviting one. no one would really miss me. not long enough to really matter. suzie and brandy and ron and the boys would forget in a month, nicole and eric in a couple weeks, and tori in about six months, i say. once she's healed and moved on. my father... the only one who would truly miss me, because he's the only one who truly needs me. he needs me in his life, and he is the only reason i don't pack a bag and just start walking. what have i got to lose? weight, of course. which i would, without money to eat... but i could learn to eat scraps out of the rubbish bins.

i could learn to survive... and be a nomad. a man with no name. no birthday (which come on, i don't really have one anyways, i sure as shit don't celebrate it). i could leave it all behind. the cell phone and the computer. i could take a few books, a few changes of clothes and pick up spare change to wash these things. and quit being a burden on my father and those who i infect.

it's a dream... a true and free dream, where i have nothing to worry about. except the police. they have issues with vagrants. bums. walkers. whatever you want to call them. whatever... but i could get around that. i'm a short, pudgy white man. i pose no threat to anyone, and if i were to get picked up, then ... at least it'd be 3 hots and a cot, dig?

you'd be better off without me in the long run... and i don't have the balls to blow my brains out. i'm too curious, tomorrow could in fact be different. but ... it would just be better. in the end. if i just disappeared... in a way, i've done it before. but not as substantial.

i severed all ties with acquaintances and started a new life a few times... but i remained stationary in indianapolis, because i was too scared to just leave and never come back. could i do? do i have the nerve? the balls? probably not.... but it's a dream. a boy can dream, right? it's still allowed... i think.