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"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly"
Sitting here, I find that I am afraid. I have reached the end of what I know to do, the end of my capacity to see or control and I'm lost. I know that I say that alot...but I really am. I have noone to call my own..no shoulder to lean against..no hands to pick me up when I fall. That is MY job..it's what I do and I do it gladly but when it's all GONE..what then? I step into the darkness alone and I wonder what will happen. Will it consume me as I fear, or will there be someone somewhere to catch me. And the voice in my mind whispers..Am I worthy of it? In my heart I know the answer and it brings hot burning broken tears to my eyes..because I know that I am not. "A genuinely good person" is what someone told me I was..and I don't believe it, even though i will hold the words in my heart for as long as I have life and breath..I want to lie down, to cry, to rest and to just...stop. Right here and right now. no more pain God please..No more emptiness...no more lonliness. But..I am not made that way..at least not yet..So I will get up. Not because I'm okay..not for the false smiles or the laughter that hides my tears..but because I can't do anything else. It is the only option open to me now..
