Serenity Lost In Chaos's blog: "My thoughts"

This may seem crazy ..a blog to you..but I hope you don't mind sooo..here goes

..I know that we haven't known each other that long but I hope that we get to know each other and grow together for a long long time. I remember when I met you and I remember the arguements lol. I am so sorry for those but you can't blame me now can you? The last few months have been turmoil and strife through it..I had a ray of light. you. I have always found you to be one of those amazing people that says what you mean and means what you say...that is rare. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being so sweet and so kind. Thank you for being funny and gentle in the mix of your mystery and confusion. Thank you for claiming me as your friend and thank you for not turning your back on me...and thank you for giving me a chance to be YOUR friend..I love sitting up at night just to talk to you..Love waiting to hear how your day is or how you slept..Love knowing that you are there..Thank you..From the bottom of my heart..

Be warned: this story is beautiful but tragic. It begins with Orpheus, the best musician that ever lived. One strum of his lyre, one note sung, and beasts would crawl to him, rocks would shift their moss to move to be closer, trees would tear their roots to be closer to him. He had more power than a mortal man ought to for he was the son of the Muse Calliope.

He lived his life simply and carelessly until the day he met Eurydice. She was a Dryad, and when they fell in love it meant everything to them. But the rustic god Aristaeus saw Eurydice's beauty and desired it, and did not care that she was unwilling and in love with another. She ran from him in terror, without thought to her step, and so it was she stepped on a poisonous snake in her flight. The venom of its bite killed her at once and her spirit went to the Underworld. Orpheus was inconsolable. His grief was bitter, but he did not let it lull him into a stupor, he decided to take action.

With his lyre, Orpheus descended into the Underworld. A normal mortal would have perished any number of times, but Orpheus had his lyre and his voice and he charmed Cerberus - the three-headed monster dog of Hades who guarded the Underworld - into letting him pass. Facing Hades and his cold Queen Persephone he played for them his sorrow at the loss of his love. The heart that was frozen by Hades' abduction melted in Persphone's breast and a tear rolled down her cheek. Even Hades could not help weeping. They let Orpheus through to Eurydice, but warned him very carefully: Eurydice would follow him into the light of the world and once she entered the sunlight she would be changed from a shade back to a woman. But if Orpheus doubted, if he looked back to see her, she would be lost to him forever.

Orpheus heard and rejoiced. He turned and left the dark hall of Hades and began his ascent back to life. As he walked he rejoiced that his wife would soon be with him again. He listened closely for her footfall behind him, but a shade makes no noise. The closer to the light he got, the more he began to believe that Hades had tricked him to get him out of the Underworld, that Eurydice was not behind him. Only feet away from the light Orpheus lost faith and turned around. He saw Eurydice, but only for a moment as her shade was whisked back down among the other dead souls. She was gone.

Orpheus tried again to enter the Underworld and demand her return, but one cannot enter twice the same way - and no other way was open to him. All that was left to him was death. Here the story changes. There are different stories of his death. Some say he played so mournfully that his songs called for death, and that the animals who surrounded him tore him apart, weeping as they did. Some say it was Maenads in a frenzy who ripped the singer to shreds. Some say he was struck down by Zeus for disclosing mysteries that were meant to be kept sacred. Either way, he was torn apart, and much of him was thrown to the winds. But the Muses mourned the death of their son and prodigy, and saved his head to sing forever.

Psyche was one of three sisters, princesses in a Grecian kingdom.  All three were beautiful, but Psyche was the most beautiful.  Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, heard about Psyche and her sisters and was jealous of all the attention people paid to Psyche.  So she summoned her son, Eros, and told him to put a spell on Psyche.

Always obedient, Eros flew down to earth with two vials of potions.  Invisible, he sprinkled the sleeping Psyche with a potion that would make men avoid her when it came to marriage.  Accidentally, he pricked her with one of his arrows (which make someone fall in love instantly) and she startled awake.  Her beauty, in turn, startled Eros, and he accidentally pricked himself as well.  Feeling bad about what he had done, he then sprinkled her with the other potion, which would provide her with joy in her life.

Sure enough, Psyche, although still beautiful, could find no husband.  Her parents, afraid that they had offended the gods somehow, asked an oracle to reveal Psyche's future husband.  The oracle said that, while no man would have her, there was a creature on the top of a mountain that would marry her.

Surrendering to the inevitable, she headed for the mountain.  When she came within sight, she was lifted by a gentle wind and carried the rest of the way.  When she arrived, she saw that her new home was in fact a rich and beautiful palace.  Her new husband never permitted her to see him, but he proved to be a true and gentle lover.  He was, of course, Eros himself.

After some time, she grew lonely for her family, and she asked to be allowed to have her sisters for a visit.  When they saw how beautiful Psyche's new home was, they grew jealous.  They went to her and told her not to forget that her husband was some kind of monster, and that, no doubt, he was only fattening her up in order to eat her.  They suggested that she hide a lantern and a knife near her bed, so that the next time he visited her, she could look to see if he was indeed a monster, and cut off his head if it was so.

Her sisters convinced her this was best, so the next time her husband came to visit her, she had a lamp and a knife ready.  When she raised the lamp, she saw that her husband was not a monster but Eros!  Surprised, he ran to the window and flew off.  She jumped out after him, but fell the ground and lay there unconscious.

When she awoke, the palace had disappeared, and she found herself in a field near her old home.  She went to the temple of Aphrodite and prayed for help.  Aphrodite responded by giving her a series of tasks to do -- tasks that Aphrodite believed the girl would not be able to accomplish.

The first was a matter of sorting a huge pile of mixed grains into separate piles.  Psyche looked at the pile and despaired, but Eros secretly arranged for an army of ants to separate the piles.  Aphrodite, returning the following morning, accused Psyche of having had help, as indeed she had.

The next task involved getting a snippet of golden fleece from each one of a special herd of sheep that lived across a nearby river.  The god of the river advised Psyche to wait until the sheep sought shade from the midday sun.  Then they would be sleepy and not attack her.  When Psyche presented Aphrodite with the fleece, the goddess again accused her of having had help.

The third task Aphrodite set before Psyche was to get a cup of water from the river Styx, where it cascades down from an incredible height.  Psyche thought it was all over, until an eagle helped her by carrying the cup up the mountain and returning it full.  Aphrodite was livid, knowing full well that Psyche could never have done this alone!

Psyche's next task was to go into hell to ask Persephone, wife of Hades, for a box of magic makeup.  Thinking that she was doomed, she decided to end it all by jumping off a cliff.  But a voice told her not to, and gave her instructions on making her way to hell to get the box.  But, the voice warned, do not look inside the box under any circumstances!

Well, Psyche received the box from Persephone and made her way back home.  But, true to her nature, she was unable to restrain herself from peeking inside.  To her surprise, there was nothing inside but darkness, which put her into a deep sleep.  Eros could no longer restrain himself either and wakened her.  He told her to bring the box to Aphrodite, and that he would take care of the rest.

Eros went to the heavens and asked Zeus to intervene.  He spoke of his love for Psyche so eloquently that Zeus was moved to grant him his wish.  Eros brought Psyche to Zeus who gave her a cup of ambrosia, the drink of immortality.  Zeus then joined Psyche and Eros in eternal marriage.  They later had a daughter, who would be named Pleasure.

The empty ache of loneliness A hollow emptiness
A desperate want For their caress
To fill the void Left by invisibility
Butterflies flutter When you meet their gaze
Knees weaken, just for a second As they brush past
Then light-headedness When you smell their scent
Then later In the quiet of the night
The empty void of want Loins aching for them
Then hollow emptiness The constant companion
The loneliness Of unrequited love

"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly"

Sitting here, I find that I am afraid. I have reached the end of what I know to do, the end of my capacity to see or control and I'm lost. I know that I say that alot...but I really am. I have noone to call my own..no shoulder to lean against..no hands to pick me up when I fall. That is MY job..it's what I do and I do it gladly but when it's all GONE..what then? I step into the darkness alone and I wonder what will happen. Will it consume me as I fear, or will there be someone somewhere to catch me. And the voice in my mind whispers..Am I worthy of it? In my heart I know the answer and it brings hot burning broken tears to my eyes..because I know that I am not. "A genuinely good person" is what someone told me I was..and I don't believe it, even though i will hold the words in my heart for as long as I have life and breath..I want to lie down, to cry, to rest and to just...stop. Right here and right now. no more pain God please..No more emptiness...no more lonliness. But..I am not made that way..at least not yet..So I will get up. Not because I'm okay..not for the false smiles or the laughter that hides my tears..but because I can't do anything else. It is the only option open to me now..

**“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech**