Dragon's blog: "Who Am I"

About three and a half years ago I arrived in Pennsylvania moving from Nevada. Some of the changes moving back to this part of the country have been fairly big. Pennsylvania is a commonwealth not a state and the laws here are differnt than most places i've lived. Pennsylvania is proud of their history and independence. Shortly after arriving I saw a doctor for some medical issues. My back was a wreck and limited my mobility and I had no energy what so ever not to mention I was whiter than some of the sheets.The doctor has become my regular doctor and friend. What he discoverd was i'd lost 50% of the blood in my body (no idea how) and he put me in the hospital immediately and started running tests to see if he could determine where the blood went. In his efforts he introduced me to an oncologist due to an abnormal spike in one of the tests he ran. The oncologist wanted to run a PET scan to determine if I had cancer in my lymph nodes. At the time this was a 5000 dollar procedure so of course Pennsylvania denide it and he had to do a bone marrow tap which honestly is the most painful thing i've ever had done. I swore in 5 languages (none of them english) and almost kicked someone in the head.I had non hodgekins lymphoma and lucky for me it has the highest cure rate of all cancers. I did 6 treatments of chemotherapy and yes your hair really does fall out. In with all these events i'm a typer II diabetic (pill only) and had not been doing anything to deal with that. Saw a neurologist about some movement issues and found I had unoperable nerve damage to both legs so my walk is differnt than it used to be. You are now wondering why this is called "The Abyss" Well when you are informed that your body is a train wreck and that some things might go away, some will go away, and some never will go away it truely makes you take a look at your life and how you've lived it. You apologize to the people you've hurt and if you've been less than nice you try and change. Seeing a future with chemo, insulin and a restricted diet you have to make a choice. Do you fight and do your best to become a better person and treat people better or do you say screw it i'll become a bigger jerk and just not care. In that abyss is your mortality and it's extremely scarey. We all know we're going to die but when it's staring you in the face everything changes. You can't fix every relationship you've damaged but you can try. I have my regrets and big or small i've tried to be less confrontational. Don't think this means i'm a pushover because you'd be so very wrong. I've learned to be diplomatic. Rather than start screaming I calmly tell them they're a total horses a** but in a way they don't realize I called them a horses a**. The abyss i'm dealing with is mortality and when I found out I honestly was scared. Most people go through life never having to face the issue and I have great respect for those that do. Our members of the armed services both serving now and those who served prior. Our police and fire fighters. Our astronauts and aerospace personnel. These people have courage beyond what is normal. How many can say they'd run into a burning building to save someone traped inside or try to free a hostage from someone who might shoot them? The abyss in my case holds my mortality and i've looked it in the face and haven't flinched. Am I the easiest person to get along with having mellowed out? The answer to that is if I think you're a horses a** i'll tell you but leave you wondering if what I said meant you're a horses a**. Like a good 90% of the people I have no idea when my time will come but i've been introduced to several possibilities. As far as what I can do well I have workarounds that let me do the grand majority of things I used to do. Can I do a mile run? Climb Mt. Everest? The answer is no but I hated running back when I could and honestly have never wanted to climb Everest. My biggest regret now is I likely can't be a crewman for one of the boats on "Deadliest Catch" Only boat I honestly wouldn't want to crew for would be tthe Northwestern. Something tells me no matter how much i've mellowed either Sig or I would be swimming back to port.