hugh baziiiinga's blog: "the bruno chronicles"

One of my favorite movie scenes/jokes is this Pink Panther one

Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!

Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.

I had almost reached home from walking two of my three dogs. My neighbor was casually sweeping her front porch. Laying in wait ready to spring her trap as it turned out. She is a very sweet Cuban woman not yet old enough to be an old lady.

She called out in her Cuban accent, a soft one much different than the guttural sounding male one. “I think one of your dogs is in my yard.”

I was sure this wasn't the case as I had the leashes of two of them in my hands and could hear the other whining about how unfair life was that she had to wait for her turn for a walk. “Ok. I will come look.”

I was curious to what she had in her back yard and am I sucker for animals. I put my dogs inside. Zeta stared daggers into my back as I walked out the door without taking her for her turn. Quickly switching to sad little puppy dog how could you eyes when I turned around to shut the door and made eye contact with her.

The neighbor and I walked around to her back yard. There looking tired and frightened was a mangy almost furless dog. Once you got past the the lack of fur, the next most remarkable thing about him was the size of his head and teeth. Teeth which he was perfectly comfortable showing to me. A quick baring of his teeth told me “I can turn you from a lefty to a righty before you have time to blink.” He was not a particularly large dog. He looked like he weighed about 70 pounds through his head and neck had the proportions of a much larger dog.

It was clear what I was going to have to do. I was going to have to laugh at my neighbor and ask her exactly which of my dogs she thought this was and then go back and take Zeta for her walk. My dogs all get complements about how good they look. For example it was fairly common for people to completely out of blue strike up a conversation about Zoopie. “My she is a good looking dog,” they would say, “Can you get her to let go of my calf?” Or “That is a good looking dog, if you don't get her out of my car I just might take her home...”

I opened my mouth. “Nope he isn't my dog never seen him before” was supposed to come out. Somehow I accidentally said, “I am going to go home and get some food and water and see if I can get him to eat.” My neighbor's face lit up. I just couldn't explain how it was a bizarre accident and what I had meant to say. I was stuck.

I stomped muttering all the way back to my house, strangely no matter what horrible thing I wished to mutter whether it was about my neighbor, the stupid dog or myself it came out clearly muttered. I couldn't recreate my earlier oratory malfunction.

I brought food and water back and the dog eyed me. I walked closer watching his posture. When he looked like he was starting to think about flight or fight I put the bowls down, a few bites of food and plenty of water and retreated. He came out slowly watching and sniffing. He drank and ate. I went closer. He backed away from the bowls returning to the corner he had been using as shelter. I moved the bowls and added a few more bites of food. After moving his bowls a couple of times adding a little bit of food each time, he was eating at bowl that was close enough to touch him. I reached out and he sniffed my hand and went back to eating.

I tentatively patted him. He neither shied away nor growled at me. Still he was wary and it wasn't without a good measure of fear mostly on my part that I put a rope around his neck to lead him from my neighbor's unfenced backyard to my own fenced back yard. I was worried that if he got frightened by the rope around his neck he might attack me in an effort to get free.

I tied a small loop passing the rope through it to make a larger noose loop to place around his head. This served the purpose of not having to try to slip his head through a collar or small fixed loop. I also figured maybe I would be able to choke him unconscious before he finished ripping off my arm or face if it came to that. Even though he was mangy and underweight it didn't take a second look to realize that he was still a very powerful animal. The lack of fur and any fat on his body made it clear that he still had plenty of muscle.

He accepted the makeshift leash without complaint and followed me towards my yard. He figured whatever I had in store for him was a better fate than the one that had brought him into my neighbor's yard.

Though I didn't realize it when she first asked the joke was on me this time, Bruno was indeed my dog.