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Alan's company recently landed a small contract (ten hours per month) to manage and administer the network at an insurance agency. The previous company -- well, actually, guy -- worked full-time as a network administrator at the local university and had been servicing the agency for the past ten years in his spare time. An out-of-state job offer left him no longer able to service the agency. A couple weeks before the contract started, Alan received a frantic call from the insurance agency: the system was completely down and Ishmael (let's call him) had already relocated a few time zones away. Within the hour, Alan was on-site, receiving a crash-course in their system. He learned that no system meant no quoting and no servicing and that was not good because it meant no business. Alan also received a crash course in their network. It was a mangled patchwork of DOS-based file servers (yes, in 2006), daisy-chained routers, and workstations with multiple network cards cross-patched to each other. Per Ishmael's "in case of emergency" instructions, the office manager rebooted the servers, routers, and workstations several times to no avail. The good news was that Alan was able to quickly identify the problem: the floppy disk used to boot up the system's file server was corrupt. The bad news was that the boot disc contained a several-hundred line AUTOEXEC.BAT script whose only backup was a two-year-old printout. To get the agency up and running, Alan pulled the hard drive and moved it to another file server. For some reason, the workstations didn't map the share. In fact, Alan couldn't even connect to the sever manually. He couldn't even *ping* the server by name or IP address. Yet, both had access to the Internet. As Alan was struggling with this, Ishmael had finally called back. He was a bit offended that Alan had pulled the hard drive and said that the AUTOEXEC file was easy to build. No matter, Alan expressed his most recent problem, that he couldn't ping the server from the workstation. "Well," Ishmael replied in a condescending tone, "of course not!" "Why not?" Alan asked. Ishmael explained, "because it's a local network." "Errr," Alan stuttered, huh?" "You can't ping on a local network," Ishmael quipped, clearly annoyed, "didn't you know that?" "Uhhh," Alan replied, baffled, "excuse me?" "Ping doesn't work on a local network," Ishmael said, “that's what the Internet is for!" At that point, Alan figured that he was pretty much on his own. He confirmed that the servers and workstation did, in fact, communicate with each other over the Internet. All he needed to do was open up the newly created share (like it had on the DOS server) to the Internet so that the workstations could communicate with it. Thankfully, after explaining the situation to the owner, he was given a bit more than ten hours/month to fix and secure the network.

Users!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No .. wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: ! Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit! =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... =============== Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? =============== Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ============= Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." =============== And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Cust! omer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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