SugarBear's blog: "Tales of the Lotus Pod"

So much has happened my Uncle passed away about 2 months ago wich really sucked. In many ways however it did push me to take responsablity's I never wanted to accept . So it has a plus side as well I suppose . Its been a while since I been here,and it seems strange that Id return in many ways -Laughs- Oh well I miss everyone ...

Its been a long weird trip for me . I went from a strung out gutter punk to someone now with a job . One that is legitiamate , and one that I can actually say I am glad to have . Sure it doesent beat the money I used to make , but its worth it . No longer do I have to worry about jail . Getting beat up robbed or killed over a mistake ...I like life for once in a long time

So a seris of odd things have happened tonight , two ghosts from my past well one a ghost the other was more a illusion I never was able to speak to . The ghost a ex of mine surfaces and appolagizes for all the shit they put me through , mind you they led me to belive they were killed . They appolagized did I forgive ? No I cant forgive someone for that . Someone I cared alot for someone I shed tears for and blood for . I can't forgive and it was hard . Not for me but for them . The actually said I was the most valiant yet sadistic person they had ever known . Sadistic ? Because when I am angered even the gods cant control me . I like to say I am the pure definition of chaos . In its rawiest form , I dont obide by many laws regulations or rules. I will exploit tecnology to my advantage (for those Anarchists who are technophobes get over it ) . We live in a society where tech rules the world . Yet its so easy to manipulate and exploit, Id never exploit those who are good to me . Respect is somthing I cherish more then anything in life besides faimly . The untouchable illusion I just got off the phone with 4 hours talking with them . We were two icons in a place I chated at yet never spoke much to eachother . Now were becoming freinds , the world I am relizing is a very amazing and beautifull yet scary thing I would love to preserve ...Good night world

Ok well its 2:00 am and I am a little weirded out. I was sitting here earlier and the phone rings . I couldent place the voice , turns out a very old freind from when I was in elementry school somehow tracked my number down . And this freind was my best freind way back when . We used to pretend we were the Beetles and run around singing beetles songs...Eeeew hippie shit ! Anyhow he was obviously wasted , he was talking my ear off. Then he asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to buy some sorta somthing . I assume it was drugs . He wasent too clear, then explained he was addicted to herion . Now when I lived in Seattle I knew too many who used herion . Personally I never tried it (that I know of ) I mean I smoke weed and have had some weed that will completly wipe me out. But he was saying how shitty things were yadda..yadda . I felt bad really bad, but I know the worst thing I could do is invite him over . Or give him money or such seems he is back in town and hasent got alot of anything . This hurts alot, cause I been through addiction to drugs . I used to do speed when I was way younger . And know its tough its hard and when you try and get clean you relize you truley are alone . Locked away in a little shell and cant seem to see aylight for so long . Ive been clean for damn near 11 years or so now and I am amazed that I am . It is one of the worst drugs ever. Anyhow , this really brought me down hearing that he was so down and out . I disconnected the phone and am now writting this down as I download music..God I need a life -Laughs-

So I should be asleep , but alas I am a insomniac. That and my father passed away about 2 weeks ago. I stay at home cause I was taking care of my father. Its hard to come to grips when a member of the faimly dies . Real hard I mean everyone says theyre prepared but how can you really be ? You cant not when you see someone you admired and someone you took care of laying dead in bed . And wonder just what they were thinking before they passed . The memory's good or bad never leave . We dident always have the best relashionship , he near the end made his peace with me . And I think he relized just how much I did care about him . He was my hero when really I dont look up to much in this world. Well mabye sponge bob -Laughs- No seriously he was a hero. He faught in 2 wars never hurt a civillian yet was a gangster too . 73 well almost 73 you think man thats old. But really it isent , but then the life the man lived would make a 10 year old become 40 . I miss you ....but now youre at rest .....and may you always rest well and know everything is still crackin ...I loved you father ....