Shadow's blog: "Master/Slave"

Most readers have never heard of “CP”, “domestic discipline” or “BDSM” or “vanilla” and I think it would be better if posters here did not use these unfamiliar and potentially misleading terms, but they do, so what follows are some quick definitions for readers who are floundering. For a much better understanding of these terms, from those who associate themselves with the terms as opposed to from my outsider's perspective, simply do an internet search for the term and read some of the websites listed. Feel free to link to these definitions. BDSM BDSM (bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism), also called “kinky”; refers to a number of different ways of interacting sexually, and/or relationship styles, from very ritualised, stylised modes of interaction to more subtle, evolving relationships like Taken In Hand ones. Some BDSM relationships involve sexual scenes and role-playing in a particular style (such as master-slave or dominant-submissive) but outside the sexual arena the relationship is completely equal. 24/7 BDSM relationships can be an extended scene with all the safeguards for which the BDSM community is well-known, or it can be more like a Taken In Hand relationship, with no safety net. BDSM is associated with play parties and munchies, promiscuity, open relationships, extreme sex, pain, humiliation play, and the use of particular costumes, modes of address, rituals and protocols, but not all BDSM folk enjoy all or any of these things. Whether Taken In Hand relationships fall under the BDSM umbrella or not is a hotly-debated subject. BDSM friends of mine think it does, but although I think it is true that psychological and non-pathological masochism, submission, dominance and sadism are part of Taken In Hand, I tend not to think of Taken In Hand as being BDSM. I do not find BDSM community ideas, behaviours and ways of using language appealing, and the BDSM community seem from my perspective a bit too rigid, rule-bound and formulaic. From my perspective, BDSM relationships look too static and somehow artificial. At any rate, it seems that quite a few Taken In Hand readers simply don't find BDSM literature and ideas erotic even though they are more than willing to admit that they do find Taken In Hand ideas erotic. This is in no way to say that BDSM people are in any way inferior or wrong: I am merely pointing out that from a Taken In Hand perspective, there is a difference. Perhaps Taken In Hand is simply a different kink, to use a BDSM term. See below for the intersection of Taken In Hand and BDSM. See also: SM (sadomasochism) Masochism BDSM practices in our Taken In Hand relationship SM / D/s / BDSM in a Taken In Hand relationship? Why is BDSM so popular? From BDSM to Taken In Hand The erotic power of the unshackled man More BDSM-related articles Articles mentioning or about sadomasochism Blanket consent Blanket consent refers to the idea of giving the man in your life the freedom to act forcefully and at least in one sense (though not a deeper sense) against your will – without giving him rules to abide by, approved times or places, etc. It implies both an enormous amount of trust on the woman's part, and considerable knowledge of the woman on the man's part. It does not mean that the woman loses any ‘rights’ or is a doormat. It does not mean that if the man were to start beating the woman to a pulp, he would be able to argue that she had consented (let's not lose our commonsense, here, folks!), it assumes that there is goodwill and a desire on both sides to create and maintain an exciting relationship. The idea of giving blanket consent can seem beyond the pale to those ill-disposed to Taken In Hand, but if you think of it not as giving up the right to refuse consent but instead, as taking more of the consent-seeking processes to an unspoken or tacit level of communication, you might have a better idea of what this is really about. CAFL CAFL stands for ‘consensual act of forced lovemaking’, and this was discussed here. CP CP refers to role-played ‘corporal punishment’ (discipline fetish in a BDSM context). D/s D/s or Ds is about dominance and submission and means different things to different people. For some, it implies a stylised master/slave BDSM relationship with rules and rituals and protocols; for others, it refers to something more like a Taken In Hand relationship. Unlike in Taken In Hand, many D/s people take the view that the submissive partner has a need to serve. A Taken In Hand relationship does not imply a D/s one. Plenty of Taken In Hand women do not consider themselves submissive at all; many do not have service-orientated submissive tendencies. DD (Domestic Discipline) DD refers to a variety of relationship styles having in common an element of control and usually including spanking and/or other forms of ‘discipline’. There are several different focuses, depending upon which web site or other internet forum you read, and different couples focus on different things. For some, the focus is control – they prefer one partner to take the lead somewhat, and get an erotic charge from that power exchange. Those DD relationships might well be Taken In Hand ones. For others, the focus is spanking. For some, the focus is behaviour modification: they are working on changing bad habits and find discipline helpful in this. For others, the focus is order: for them, DD is about bringing order into what could otherwise be chaos. Some DD folks like to have rules and punishments; others eschew that idea in favour of something more subtle, like the relationships described in articles on Taken In Hand. Note that Taken In Hand is not a DD site, and Taken In Hand relationships are not necessarily DD ones. Discipline Discipline, in this context, refers to ‘discipline’ used in a consensual relationship, NOT to anything really non-consensual. This is not about abuse. If you ask the person whether she would REALLY prefer not to be disciplined, she would say “No! I prefer this kind of relationship. I love it that he feels able to take this action! I do NOT want him not to discipline me!” She might say that it is against her will at the time it happens, but if anyone were to try to get her to leave her partner, she would be thinking, “What?! Are you CRAZY?! This is the kind of relationship I've always DREAMED of! No WAY am I leaving!” and she would NOT be happy if you were to succeed in persuading her husband or boyfriend to desist from this ‘discipline’. Some readers may get the impression that the discipline is not consensual, because some people draw a distinction between “erotic discipline” and “non-erotic discipline”. In my view, “non-erotic discipline” refers to discipline which appears to be against the person's will in the moment it happens, but which that person wants at a deeper level, such that without it, she would feel that there is something missing, or she would not be so attracted to and excited by her husband, etc. For some women, this helps them feel relaxed and safe. They need to know that their man will not let them ill-treat him or otherwise behave badly. Note that “discipline” is not necessarily a part of a Taken In Hand relationship. I mention this term simply because some readers (particularly DD folk) mention it here, and I want to stress the consensual nature of what they are referring to. HOH HOH stands for “Head of Household”; HOR stands for “Head of Relationship”. They refer to a relationship structure in which one partner, usually the man, is deemed by both partners to be in charge. Again, this can mean different things to different people. In some cases, it means that he makes all the decisions; in others, it means that he is the final arbiter if there is a dispute; in others, it means simply that he leads slightly in some areas of their relationship. It might be quite obvious that the man is the master, or it might be quite subtle and not obvious. It might just mean that the man “wears the trousers” in some sense. Again, not all Taken In Hand couples associate with the idea of having a head of the household: I mention this term simply because some posters use it here. Internal enslavement Related to TPE. Internal enslavement is a solid and psychologically inescapable state of being owned. See this page for further information. See also: slave and TPE. M/s M/s refers to the ‘master/slave’ relationship, in which one person is owned by the other, either with all that that implies, in the case of an absolute power relationship, or in a more superficial sense. See also: slave and TPE. Micromanagement Micromanagement is the control of every part, however small, of an enterprise or activity. In the Taken In Hand context this word implies that the man controls the woman in a detailed way, making even the smallest decisions for her. Some Taken In Hand couples love micromanagement; others are aghast at the idea. Masochism Masochism is the psychological tendency to derive pleasure, often including sexual pleasure, from emotional or physical pain. In her book, Masochism: A Jungian View, Lyn Cowan brilliantly describes masochism this way: “Masochism is an art of holding oneself in oppositional extremity. The masochist sees himself living – appears to live – in extremis, at the very edge of danger, madness, death. A masochist's pleasure is extremely painful and his pain, extremely pleasurable. Often opposite feelings like pride and humiliation are present simultaneously, both torturous, both pleasurable. In the midst of such emotional extremity, the need and feeding of the masochistic compulsion is clearly, itself, part of the torture and pleasure. There is pride in this cliff-hanging extremity, in maintaining these impossible oppositions without plunging over the edge. It is an extreme pride, a pride of extremity, of going to extremes and surviving. It is a pride of promethean proportions.” (page 92) See also: SM (sadomasochism) Articles mentioning or about sadomasochism OTK OTK stands for ‘over the knee’ and refers to putting your partner over your knee and spanking her. Not necessarily a Taken In Hand thing, but the term is sometimes used by readers on this site nevertheless. SM (sadomasochism) SM (sadomasochism) is a psychological tendency to derive sexual pleasure from getting or giving emotional and/or physical pain. Sadomasochistic relationships and interactions are often intense. Fictional examples – rather unhealthy ones – can be found in The Night Porter and possibly Naboer. See also: Articles mentioning or about sadomasochism Masochism BDSM Service kink Service is work done for somebody else. Most serve (do things for) those they love. That has nothing whatever to do with being submissive. The most dominant, masculine men serve and otherwise cherish the woman they love. The service kink, on the other hand, is a need to serve that amounts to, or is related to, an erotic preference. For some submissive women, service is a deep erotic need. However, by no means all submissive women have the service kink. Some authorities (such as Pat Allen) argue that it is the masculine leader who serves the woman he leads, and the feminine woman in or desiring a male-led relationship who receives his service. Slave A slave is a person owned by another. In the context of BDSM, this might mean nothing more than that the person enjoys playing a slave in negotiated scenes. In the context of TPE and Taken In Hand relationships, this is likely to be associated with the idea of no limits on the power of the master, no choice on the part of the slave (unless the master allows it), and no way out. The master can do what he likes with his property as long as he doesn't disturb the neighbours. That is to say, this is what the slave desires, and the slave may feel psychologically as bound as if she were held physically. Being a slave might also be associated with the idea of total obedience, but that is not the case in all Taken In Hand relationships in which the woman identifies as a slave. Some Taken In Hand couples fond of the master-slave idea take the view that property often doesn't do as it's told, that historically, some slaves disobeyed their masters, and that the extent to which a slave, a dog or other such property obeys depends largely upon the master. Just as some dog owners manage to get the dog to obey but others don't, some masters can handle a slave and command obedience; others are less able. In this view, being a slave does not mean acting contrary to your own morality. You are still a moral agent in your own right. Submission Submission can mean many different things, not all consistent with a Taken In Hand relationship. As you will see if you take the Taken In Hand tour, submissiveness is not a necessary characteristic of a Taken In Hand woman – on the contrary, many or perhaps most Taken In Hand women would not describe themselves as submissive, but they do not want to control their man and they do want him to be in charge. Subspace Subspace is a transendent state of mind associated with submission. It is not a state of mind that people are in all the time, though it can last for days. It is a state of overwhelming psychological ecstasy, euphoria, total bliss, and the perfect peacefulness of having completely let go. It feels heavenly and is often described as being like floating or flying or as being like an out-of-body experience beyond all thought – but it is difficult to express the power and intensity of it adequately. TPE TPE stands for ‘total power exchange’ and depending upon which source you read, it implies that one person completely controls another in a long-term relationship. Also known as an ‘absolute power relationship’ it is, as with a Taken In Hand relationship, what both parties want. TPE relationships are usually considered the hardcore, extreme end of BDSM. Some BDSM websites describe this as the ultimate dominant-submissive relationship; others say that it is merely a distant aim and not something they think they can actually achieve. Paradoxically, perhaps, some descriptions of TPE/AP relationships sound much more like a Taken In Hand relationship than you might expect if you think of TPE as extreme BDSM. Taken In Hand can sound boringly conservative and conventional to anyone with a penchant for some of the more elaborate, painful, ritualistic, theatrical, humiliating BDSM practices, but it is hardcore and extreme to anyone who doesn't like the idea of the man's control not being confined to set scenes and times. Perhaps TPE is where Taken In Hand meets BDSM. Vanilla Apart from the obvious meaning of a flavouring used in cooking, the word “vanilla” is BDSM jargon for a person who is not BDSM or for a non-BDSM-identified relationship. I ask people not to use this term on the Taken In Hand website. [On this site, I suggest people use the word “conventional” or “regular” or “standard” or “ordinary” or “non-taken-in-hand”, because that is what most people on this site mean. - Editor] -Master Greywolf