My thoughts, feelings, and emotions are so up in the air right now. I found out something today, that in someway drastically effects my life, but at the same time, kinda doesn't. It just depends on how things go from here on out. Which, I have told a couple of people. The extremely close people in my life. Chastine, Alisha, and Adam.
Which, leaves me realizing, outside of my children, who are of course the two most important people in my life, the 3 of them are my life. Chastine has been through so much with me in just a short period of time. She is my sense. When i am lacking in it, and I am upset for reasons beyond anyone's understanding, she makes things make sense. SHe brings me back to this happy reality, and makes me see how things look from other point of view. She keeps me grounded. ANd I love her dearly for it. Alisha has recently become my shoulder to cry on. Poor CHastine has so damn much drama going on in her life, she's got so much on her mind, I feel so bad going to her with my petty problems, and that's where Alisha has stepped in. THe two of them are my best and closest friends. ANd i love them both dearly.
And, Adam. God, I love with him with all of my heart. I question some decisions he's been making recently. ANd last night we got into a huge fight. Which, in the entire time we've been together has happened, like 4 times now. Like, seriously. We just dont fight (and for those of you who really know me know how big of a deal that really is... it's frankly pretty shocking) We just get along so well as a whole. I actually can not describe the feelings I have for him... In past blogs I used to talk about how I was searching for something, that I used to have with Lindon. That safe, secure, loved feeling. Sure, I was 16/17... but, I knew I was happy with him. I really and truly loved that guy. And, it was so hard getting over him, and then having that whole bullshit on/off again thing with him for what, 3 years? That sure didn't help my feelings about him. I confused what I felt for him in high school, with what I felt about him as adults, and that turned into what i best describe as an obsession of sorts. When we finally stopped speaking, it killed me. But at the same time was the greatest relief I'd ever felt in my entire life. I truly felt like I was just being used for sex by him. And I sat there and loved him so much, and would have given anything to be with him, yet i was just some chick to fuck to him. And, it killed me. I cried every single time I left his house. (which from enid to stillwater, and enid to norman was QUITE a long drive to cry the entire fucking way) I know We were still seeing each other while I was at the prison. I think it was the summer before Alexis turned 1 that we stopped talking. God the shit he said to me.... it fucked with me for so long... and I held onto this anger and this obsession. I wanted what I had felt for him.. which couldn't have been love. Love is a two sided thing. I don't doubt he THOUGHT he loved me in highschool, but during all of that, I don't know what it was he felt... I really don't. And i will never know. WHich is fine. But, I let this silly high school relationship affect my adult relationships. Because I was so truly and honestly happy with him in high school. And, you can never replace a person... And I know this now, because I have found someone who not only loves me unconditionally, but would do anything in this world for me, and my children. And not make up lame excuses why he can't be with me because of my kids... and I have found a man who doesn't let his family come between us (like dennis did) I have found a guy whose family loves me and accepts me and my children. When I sit there and look at Adam, I realize, I am so lucky to have him. We have our arguments, but it's nothing like what I endured with dennis, and I know he truly loves me. Despite what happens, and what arguments we have, he loves me. NO stipulations, no set backs, no what if's, and no 'too bad we can't go backs'. He plain and simply loves me for the imperfect person I am. And deals with my imperfections. And it's weird how, I allowed these two men (lindon and dennis) to dictate my life. Lindon, couldn't have given a fuck less about my feelings. At this point I am convinced of that. He broke my heart time and time again. One minute he wanted to be with me, the next he couldn't forgive me for the shit I did in high school, then it was back to wanting to be with me, then some other excuse.... and I guess Lexi was the last straw for him. He just couldn't deal with me having two kids... so be it. But dear god did it break my heart... and I cried.. a lot... for a very very long time. And for a while stalked his myspace page... and then one day i was like, wow... how is it i can love and care about someone so much who couldn't have given a fuck less about my feelings??? But of course, my relationship with Dennis was just as fucked up.... constantly fighting over everything. And the shit him and his mother pulled, I just never could forgive him for....
So my relationships have been these crazy fucked up, THINGS... never anything HAPPY...
Then along came Adam. ANd, just wow. I feel safe, and secure and happy... we are happy together. We smile, we laugh, we play... we love each other... WE love EACH OTHER... And i couldn't even begin to ask for a better step parent for my children... or better in laws. Oh my god, his family is amazing. His sister (Alisha) is awesome. His mother and father are amazing people, and have taken to me and just brought me into the family and the girls. And then the rest of his family has been just as accepting and loving, and I couldn't ask for more... I truly couldn't...he has been my savior in so many ways, and has taught me what true unconditional love really is. I thank god every single day for him...
The only thing I will never get... is why a guy can sit there and tell you he wants to marry you, and spend the rest of his life with you, and all that,and never actually say the words "will you..." But, I guess that's something better saved for another time and place....
On a side note, Adam me and the girls went to his Aunt Suzy's for a cook out tonight. It was a blast... got quite a few pics, and I'll post them later... and last night Alisha and I went out to a club, and WOW it was also just as crazy... I'll post those pics tomorrow too. Fun weekend!!!
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through...
I got over you....
