ringling's blog: "Stupid stuff I like"

Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists"

PUNS TO PONDER Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. ----------------------------------- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ------------------------------------- A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ------------------------------------ Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" ----------------------------------- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. --------------------------------- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. --------------------------------------------- --------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. ------------------------------------- BUT WAIT -- THERES MORE!! Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." -------------------------------- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication. -------------------------------------- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." ------------------------------------ A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds," They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." ------------------------------------- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (bet you start humming it). ------------------------------- And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

PUNS TO PONDER PUNS TO PONDER Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. ----------------------------------- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ------------------------------------- A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ------------------------------------ Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" ----------------------------------- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. --------------------------------- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. --------------------------------------------- --------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. ------------------------------------- BUT WAIT -- THERES MORE!! Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." -------------------------------- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication. -------------------------------------- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." ------------------------------------ A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds," They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." ------------------------------------- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (bet you start humming it). ------------------------------- And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands. 2. He had wine with His meals. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature. 2. He ate a lot of fish. 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do. AMEN!

Buried at PhotoCasket.com