Emergency Medical Services
(stupid) Frequently Asked Questions
with answers!
Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.
Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.
Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.
Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.
Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and Federal Government gets through with my check.
Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my butt kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient.
Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the heck out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything!
Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the variousstates of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.
Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch)
A. No patients. Only the paramedic student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack.
Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of 7-11 at 3 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green, pay your money, and take your chances.
Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. No, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.
Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an ambulance out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache.
Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.
Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.
Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you aren't going to bug my partner in the back.
Q. How comeis painted on your front grill?
A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view mirror, some people have even been known to use it to see what is behind them when they are driving.
Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely.
Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.
Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?
Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!
Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task,
Eggcrate Mattress Technician
Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks.
Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to church).
A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray pinstripe suit.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooledme into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that thelobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to theparking lot or the nearest bus stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-calinstead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital thebowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not goingto reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapidand wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedicschool. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for yousomewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the antscrawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I thinkit is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid question.......
Q. How old are you (to a little kid) A. 6,
Q. When will you be 7? A. On my birthday!!!
This page is copyrighted © 1996 by Jerry Fandel. Permission to copy and distribute is granted
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