bandais6's blog: "work"

Emergency Medical Services (stupid) Frequently Asked Questions with answers! Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it? A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it. Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions) A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here. Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital? A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in. Q. Do you like you like your job? A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job. Q. Do you make a lot of money? A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and Federal Government gets through with my check. Q. How come the Police come to the call with you? A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my butt kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient. Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do? A. Beats the heck out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything! Q. Have you ever seen a dead body? A. Yes, in all the variousstates of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet. Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch) A. No patients. Only the paramedic student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack. Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of 7-11 at 3 a.m.)? A. Pink, white or green, pay your money, and take your chances. Q. Do you have any spare change? A. No, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change. Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital? A. Yes, if it means you won't take an ambulance out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache. Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie paramedic)? A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner. Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital? A. No. Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital? A. Maybe, if I like you and think you aren't going to bug my partner in the back. Q. How comeis painted on your front grill? A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view mirror, some people have even been known to use it to see what is behind them when they are driving. Q. How fast will your ambulance go? A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely. Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor). A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive. Q. Can I have a band-aid? A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need? Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident). A. Plane crash! Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath). A. Plane crash! Q. What happened? (at a plane crash) A. Shark attack! Q. What does EMT stand for? A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for? A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks. Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to church). A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray pinstripe suit. Q. Why did you bring the patient here? A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooledme into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients! Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby? A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that thelobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to theparking lot or the nearest bus stop. Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus? A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-calinstead of cash payment. Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient). A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital thebowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine. Q. Did you look for ID? A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not goingto reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle. Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim). A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once! Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code). A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic. Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms? A. Only if they use your pen. Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapidand wide not narrow, right? A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedicschool. Is this a pop quiz? Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain). A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for yousomewhere. Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department). A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the antscrawling in and out of his nose? Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment). A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I thinkit is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire. Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance? A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance. Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid question....... Q. How old are you (to a little kid) A. 6, Q. When will you be 7? A. On my birthday!!! This page is copyrighted © 1996 by Jerry Fandel. Permission to copy and distribute is granted Return to Sick E.M.S. Humor 1

Redneck Medical Terminology BENIGN................WHAT YOU BE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT ARTERY...............THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS BACTERIA............BACK DOOR TO CAFETERIA. BARIUM................WHAT YOU DO WITH A PERSON WHEN HE DIES. CESAREAN SECTION........... A NEIGHBORHOOD IN ROME. CATscan................SEARCHING FOR YOUR KITTY. CAUTERIZE............MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HER. COMA....................A PUNCTUATION MARK D&C.....................WHERE BILL CLINTON LIVES DILATE.................TO LIVE LONG. ENEMA................NOT A FRIEND FESTER...............QUICKER THAN SOMEONE ELSE FIBULA................A SMALL LIE GENITAL..............NON-JEWISH PERSON G.I. SERIES..........WORLD SERIES OF MILITARY BASEBALL HANGNAIL............WHERE YOU PUT YOUR COAT IN THE CLOSET IMPOTENT............DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN MEDICAL STAFF.... A DOCTOR'S CANE MORBID..................A HIGHER OFFER THAN I BID NITRATES..............CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES NODE....................I KNEW IT PAP SMEAR...........A FATHERHOOD TEST PELVIS...................SECOND COUSIN TO ELVIS POST OPERATIVE....A LETTER CARRIER RECOVERY ROOM......A PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY RECTUM....................RIGHT NEAR KILLED HIM SEIZURE....................ROMAN EMPEROR TERMINAL ILLNESS.....GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT TUMOR......................MORE THAN ONE URINE.....................OPPOSITE OF YOU'RE OUT VARICOSE.............NEARBY Back To Sick E.M.S. Humor This page is copyrighted © 1999 by Jim Sadlemyer. Updated 14 May 2001 1

The Rules of EMS 1. Skin signs tell all. 2. Truly sick people don't complain. 3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, and any variation on this is a bad thing. 4. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are. 5. If you drop the baby, pick it up. 6. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say. 7. All bleeding stops....eventually. 8. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do. 9. If the child is quiet, be scared. 10. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes. 11. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold their head to the side of the rig with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean. 12. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you. 13. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more stupid than the patient is the real problem. 14. There will be problems. 15. You can't cure stupid. 16. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone! 17. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole. 18. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks. 19. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror. 20. Every Emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse. 21. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream. 22. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient. 23. Turret mounted machine guns would work better than lights and sirens. 24. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage. 25. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save Paramedics. 26. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who wouldn't back up. 27. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew. 28. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call for a second unit). 29. There is no such thing as a "textbook case" 30. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa. 31. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned. 32. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one is missing. 33. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?". 34. Just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing. 35. Newbies have their own way of doing things. This page is copyrighted © by J. Friberg. Permission to copy and distribute is granted. Click on one of the two covers below to receive Free eBooks! Return to: Sick E.M.S. Humor 1

EMT Oath Be it pledged as an Emergency Medical Technician, I will honor the physical and judicial laws of God and man. I will follow that regimen which, according to my ability and judgment, I consider for the benefit of patients and abstain from whatever is deleterous and mischievous, nor shall I suggest any such counsel. Into whatever homes I enter, I will go into them for the benefit of only the sick and injured, never revealing what I see or hear in the lives of men unless required by law. I shall also share my medical knowledge with those who may benefit from what I have learned. I will serve unselfishly and continuously in order to help make a better world for mankind. While I continue to keep this oath unviolated, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and the practice of the art, respected by all men, in all times. Should I trespass or violate this oath, may the reverse be my lot. So help me God. - Charles B. Gillespie, M.D.

Dedicated to all those in the medical field. What would we do without them!! EMT's Prayer As I perform my duties Lord Whatever be the call. Help to guide and keep me safe From danger big and small. I want to serve and do my best, No matter what the scene. I pledge to keep my skills refined, My judgment quick and keen. This calling to give of myself, Most do not understand. But I stand ready all the time, To help my fellow man. To have the chance to help a child, Restore his laugh with glee. A word of thanks I may not hear, But knowing is enough for me. The praise of men is fine for some But I feel truly blessed, That you, Oh Lord have chosen me To serve in EMS. www.mamarocks.com click here to join the mamarocks.com mailing list

I just delivered a baby boy from a call that i just ran on,delivered at 7:58 this evening.transported both mom and baby to the hospital with no problem.