Bubba258 FM2 Trixie45's blog: "SSSSHHHHIIIITTT!!!!!!!"

Because the woman I love is gone.. because the other woman that said. Always ..is gone.. because I have to.beg for even a simple conversation. . Becaise im not worthy enough unless I do something first. . Because im not worthy  ..period. . Because I'm taking up space and food that could feed a couple children. .   Thats why. 

Have been up all night as usual. . Sitting here trying to remember a relationship I haven't messed up. . Sad to say.. I'm 52 years old.. and I can't think of a single relationship that didn't end with them leaving. . Or stop talking.. its really hard to believe. . Am I really that bad?? I have to say yes..proof is.. everyone is gone

I fell in love with her.. not planned .. not expected. . Just happened. . A blink of an eye for her.. several years of pain and grief for me.. slill bleeding. . Still totally in love.. but will never be the same.. will never have who I fell in love with.. will continue to bleed............

Ya know .. The loneliest time is not missing sleeping with some one.. or cuddling.. but. When you have cooked a meal

. And you sit down to eat.. that is the time you know you are alone.. or that cup.of coffee in the morning. . Taking about the day.. and there is no one across the table from you.. that is the definition of lonely

I'm a fool.. just a stupid lonely fool...back to bed.. that is all

I don't know why I'm angry.. it's my own fault. Time and again i do it.. and i believe it could happen. Then blows in my face. . Every time. . My fault. And guess what. I'll do it again. Like the fucking idiot I am

Out of all the feelings  I must endure. . This is the one a hate most. That emptiness. .that feeling you will always be alone.. and you can never have the happiness you crave.. it's just out of reach.. because I'm just not good enough. . Because my head will always be in my way.. knowing I have and will run everyone off.. because I'm unpredictable. . And the blackness always..always returns.. that hole.. deep and ever dark..takes over.. and here I am..alone..still..and no end in sight.. I hate this feeling most of all

I don't know what to do..I'm having conversations with a very special person. . We talk like old friends. .and more..but.. I know I'm not the one she wants.. but. I don't wanna give up the conversations..I love them so.

I've said it before. I will die alone. I have always known this. . Not to say I want to. But..I don't wanna live alone.. I've seen both worlds.. living and loving.. and this lonely existence. .been alone so long now.. I don't know ow if I could actually live with others. . I'm totally confused and just lost ....... 

Everyday for the last six months... by myself. Occasionally my mother comes over. . Other than that. . It's just me and this phone...not anyway to.live life. .so why live it?.. no reason I can see.. can you?.. I'm so sick of waiting for things to gappen..that are never going to happen.. why wait..why stick around.. why waist space.. idk...do you?  

I'm so.tired of being alone...All day ..everyday..going to sleep alone...waking alone..eating alone. .The only interactions i have are on this phone..and I'm happy to have it

.trust me..If not for that. I would talk or chat with no one..ever... I'm just sad..so tired of being by myself...All the time