Just L00's blog: "sometimes what seems just isn't what is"

Here I stand in the mist of another long night. And what seems just isn't so. And what is, seems so far away. Trapped in the slince of this night, with the warped darkness slowly swirly its way around, trying to wrap me tightly within. Tho I shall never concede to the darkness. I am a child of the light. Whose weakness is being susceptible unto the darkness. The darkness always tries to offer a sense of comfort, promising to cover up all that shames me, all the wrongs within. Just shadow them out. But can one really trust what the darkness has to offer? The light promises to take away all that shames me, and all that is wrong within. But want my life in the end. But really what good does my life do me in the end? If i'm dead and gone does it matter where it goes? I work so hard to shove doubt aside and yet, here I go again. Doubt is the opposite of faith. I want faith, I want to believe in all that is good. I want peace deep within. But here is this word SEEMS again. pounding on my door, bringing along doubt, and as long as there is dobt I can not hve faith. GOD Please help me. Rid me of this dobt that is tryin to thrive within me. But then again, as my sunday school teacher always says. its one sure way your doing right if you got the darkness trying to pound you down. *stands up tall, brushes off the dust. kicks down the door, and blows the doubt back into its darkness, light the entrace and going forth*

~sighs~ ~growls~ ~bangs head against wall~ Lets see where to start? Just where and what have I been up too? To tell the truth, I couldn't even say, not because I don't want to, But more along the lines of I really don't know. It seems to me that the rash of time has lost all meaning. Some how minutes became hours, while hours became days. Soon Days were weeks, and now it seems that weeks have become months. I haven't got a clue as to why this has happened. Nor do I really care. It just seems a little strange to me though, that yesterday, was the start of a new year, and now here we are in the mist of April. The question that seems to be dwelling upon my over working mind is: Does time even have a constant meaning? I know that there are 60 seconds to a minute, while an hour has 60 minutes. A day has 24 hours, so on and so forth, But whose to say how long a second really last? With that thought fresh in mind, here goes the twist of man. We live each day striving to be the better man. The one who stand out above all other. The one that people run to when there in a jam, or want to talk. Yes I'm and talking about "THE ONE". But while reading my bible tonight I came across this verse {Luke 13:30, And, behold, there are last which shall be first, and there are first which shall be last.} So is being "the one" really all that it is cut out to be? Could it not be better to just to be the one on the side lines, instead of the one in the spotlight? Lately It's seems that as time travels fast, I'm finding that I can relate with less and less people. If ever there where a theme song for me, I think it would have to be 'Only' by NIN. "I'm becoming less defined as days go by Fading away And well you might say I'm losing focus Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself Sometimes I think I can see right through myself [x2] Sometimes I can see right through myself Less concerned about fitting into the world Your world that is Cause it doesn't really matter anymore (no it doesn't really matter anymore) No it doesn't really matter anymore None of this really matters anymore Yes I am alone but then again I always was As far back as I can tell I think maybe it's because Because you were never really real to begin with I just made you up to hurt myself [x2] I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah And I just made you up to hurt myself And it worked. Yes it did! [Chorus:] There is no you There is only me There is no you There is only me There is no fucking you There is only me There is no fucking you There is only me Only [x4] Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut But I climbed through Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see And now I know why, now, now, now I know why Things aren't as pretty On the inside" The faster time seems to slip away, The faster I seem to lose touch with who I once was. I have yet to decide if this is a good or bad thing. Only one way to find out though. To continue on with this crazy path, that we all call life. So here I am, Once again standing at the bottom of what seems to big a giant mountain. Debating, what if anything I should bring along with me. Finally choosing to just take myself and whatever happens to be on my body at the moment. Having faith that everything I need will be found along the way. Praying that this mountain isn't all that it seems to be. Putting my trust in God, and knowing that whatever I find along the way, will soon get me where I need and am suppose to be. But who is to say that In this moment, I am right where I should or should not be? I only have one answer for that. God. That right I said it again. Only God knows where I should be and when. So now its time to take that leap of faith, and start heading up the mountain which will define the rest of my life. So it seems, even though I have lost all sense of time, I really haven't lost myself, just got lost in myself. Odd how writting things out can make you see a bigger picture. And the word of the day is "seems" because nothing ever is how it really seems So with that in mind, I must go.