Raquel's blog: "looking in all the wrong places"

The pain left There is this part of me That is so afraid to Let the thought of you Me, and us go So afraid if I let it Go I will die A part of me has been dead for Nine long years Waiting and hoping Finally making what I needed to happen Happen. Your face, your smile Your teeth, your hands The way you look At me, at us, at it The way I fit Inside of your arms The way you smell So familiar, so warm We never said good Bye, just hurt Pain, and then numb Numb is what I have Always been since you And I could no longer Be one happy On fire. 12/27/2006 _________________________________________ There is a point of Holding on to nothing Holding on for the Sake of holding on Waiting, wishing, anticipating Your hands and eyes all over my body Your gaze, your laugh, The kisses, the holding The way you are The way you look When you just get home When I’m doing the dishes Singing some songs that Make no sense Watching you laughing While watching me The TV on Shoes kicked off Onto the floor Feet up, one ripped sock One black, ripped jeans Dirt under fingernails Pjs on, showered Waiting for me to be Done with the chores So that the bed Still not made from The morning, or the Night before, calling Our names to it Pillows fluffed Soft gentle at first Then as the seconds turn To minutes and the Minutes turn to hours And the hours turn To years, I think I’ll always come to You ready, warm Wanting you to be Who you are Nothing more Nothing less Just who I’ve always Seen. That man that potential You have always been amazing You have always wanted Nothing more of me then Me Me You Us 12/27/2006 _____________________________________________ Some may say you Don’t look much like David But the world Does not see you The way that I Do I see this Mass of marble Waiting, Lingering, Wishing I would come Over to it Make you see What I see In you Always have Always will Never stopped Just fear took over Fear of fucking Up this perfect piece Of you of marble Of making too Many mistakes But I’m older My chisel is sharp My hands steady Ready Willing Hoping Able For you to See yourself Through my eyes You always have Been my David 12/28/06 ______________________________________________ 27 going on 17 I’m 17 again Feeling sick to my Stomach waiting for you To come to me Say what I have been waiting 9 years To hear I need a “Say anything” Moment in This numb life Of mine I need to feel You are the only one Who has ever made me Feel, feel deeper And harder, and faster Than anything else When I’m with you You make this 27 Year old mother of two Feel like I have no cares No worries Just you, the world Stops, waits holds it’s Breathe like I do every time I’m near you, I pause I collapse inside I gasp for air I can’t hear what The world is shouting At me At you I just hear this Beat, my heart Longing to be Yours again And again, and again 12/28/06 __________________________________________ Love song loop I’m in this love song loop Can’t stop with the U2 or the Jake Coco Keep repeating over and over All I want is you All I want is you You don’t need to give me anything To make me happy Just the way you are Just the way you look When I start thinking About you I begin to rip things I begin to get nervous I begin to get shy Something I try very Hard not to be I’m not shy on paper I’m not who I used to be I don’t care about money But you don’t hear that You see reality While I see what could be You see all your Mistakes and mine You see me But you really don’t You see a woman Who knows finally what, She wants It’s really simple You, all I want is you I don’t need money, I don’t need diamonds Or dinners at four star places I need camping I need you I need to know We could have been amazing We would be amazing If you could see what I see You say you’ll give me A highway with no one on it Treasure just to look upon it But all I want is you Your baggage, your love, You. 12/31/06 ________________________________________ Take the leap Make the call Hear what I have To say The only thing Real is this This feeling This happiness __________________________________________ Your sweetness overpowers me at times. There is this sweetness That comes over you and me At the right moments That makes my toes curl That makes my heart leap That makes my head spin This part of me I’ve kept hidden For so long I could not Let it show, I had this mask This mask I hate It keeps the truth in, and shows only the fraud. You help me take that Mask off, with your words With the way you hold me With the way you touch me This mask needs to be shattered And destroyed, and never placed back. But I’m scared, I’m scared of You seeing the real me You seeing all the imperfections You already see the hate I have for myself You already see through the bullshit You cut through it so easily I want to be imperfect with you I want to be kind I want to be patient I want to be with you I want to hear you say those sweet things To me day after day I need you to see me for who I really am I need you to see me Naked, imperfect, happy, sweet I want you to see all my flaws And still want to hold me And still want to have me. I am not who I used to be And with you I can be who I Really am, you don’t want perfection I want bumps in the road I want the fights, I want the laughter I want to be your world, and I want you to be mine I want to listen to love songs And only think about you Tell you I love you when I see you Tell you I miss you when I am away from you Tell you how you in my life makes my existence so much better Tell you how much you mean to me. But we are not there yet, We may never get to that point We may realize that we are better Off with the way things were You being you, and me being me I so don’t want that All I want is you I don’t need huge diamonds I don’t need huge houses I don’t need a lot these days I want to hear you say goodnight first I want to say good morning first. You already are my first and Last thoughts of the day You have been for a long time I used to wake up, in tears Tears for you, tears for myself For knowing what an idiot I was for so long, For not telling you when I could have What I felt about you What I could see as my future It was not a long future But a nice one at least My tears have stopped falling They are replaced with smiles I smile knowing you are smiling Thinking about me, and us Thinking about seeing me and you again You touch my soul I could make any song about you You and I I will always be on my feet You just help me get on them quicker You help me see what I can be I am prepared to bleed I am prepared to leave I am prepared to be left I don’t want to, I don’t know How long it would take to get back on my feet How long I would lay in my bed alone Crying, wishing you were there to dry my tears. This is the beginning No end in sight for me No need for one Just taking this one day Trying to be happy with what is Happy with the thought of what might be.