Raquel's blog: "looking in all the wrong places"

I need a lot of things,

I need comfort at the end of the day.

I need praise for a job well done.

I need you to fully love me.

 

What I have is simple

I have you and the kids

I have a warm bed at night.

I have my sanity.

 

I want a lot of things

I want happiness on bad days

I want simpathy for when I'm in pain

I want just you, and me.

 

I'll have my cake and eat it too.

I'll have you in the morning and evening

I'll have you all to myself.

I'll have us to call home.

Finally I landed the Jack-pot! I finally found a guy who likes me for me. Who treats me like fucking gold, who loves talking to me not texting me. He is not my type and that is why I've been putting him off for so long. Than I had this dinner with my Gays and they were all like hey asshole (me) lets see what your type has gotten and done for you... they then went over the list, and stopped when I was brought to tears of laughter. So I got up the balls called him, got really sick, the whole kidney infection thing and all...and out of shock he shows up with orange juice and tylenol for me. Just to hang out just to talk, just to keep me company. I don't have to wait for the shoe to fall I don't have to worry that he'll just stop calling me one day. because I don't forsee that happening. He is happy with just us, no sex, just talk and looking at me. Hey it doesn't hurt that he considers me out of his league, and constantly tells me this, that I am way to beautiful to be with him. So I'm done with my streak of 27 years of bad luck with men. and hopeing that this will be the change I have longed for for sooooooo long. This guy is amazing, and nothing could make me see him any different. Wish me luck, to all who lost out on me sorry, but I don't stay single for long, and I needed a change in men to find out my worth.

He makes me smile even when miles apart. He makes me feel like the only thing on this earth when we talk. He is kind, and sweet, and sincere, and wonderful. He puts all the rest to shame with his kindness. He makes me think of only good. No worries about when the other shoe will drop. No thoughts of when this will go wrong Just the contentment, of us keeps us going. He does not need anyone else Neither do I, I just need his voice once a day. His love I will wait for. As he will wait for mine. I did not think feelings like this could happen for me. I did not think there was anyone out there that thought about me like he does. I want to hold him, and kiss him. And I want to fall so hard head over heals this time. I want to be dizzy with love I want to be lovedrunk, I want him the same way. He'll dance with me, he'll hold me tight i'm sure. He'll be what I need, and I will try to be what he needs day in and day out.

There must be a change in me happening. I don't feel like being played anymore, I don't feel like being someone's plaything anylonger. I want something that is real. I want a man that thinks about me all day long, and can't wait to see me. I want a man who can handle the fact that I have two children that will come first for a very long time. I've always been affraid of change, changing the type of man I usually go out with. I don't go for guys that I should I go for guys that have no problem telling me how much they want to have sex with me. Why is this because A: I'm good in bed, B: that's all they care about, C: I've always been ok with that being the only thing they are interested in with me. Well now I'm 27, just got played by a guy that I thought was different, thought that we actually had something special. And out of the blue the ex-factor calls him and instead of staying with me he goes back to her. I did this a few months ago. I choose East when I should have gone with west. East ended up disappointing me in so many ways, while West was an amazing person. So that is the position that the guy was in, stay with a new change or go back to what he is comfortable with. So I took a head dive after talking to him last night, and now after some deep thoughts I've realized that what must change is me. I need to change who I'm willing to be with, I need to get over my need for contact, and my need to feel needed. So I feel I need to cut myself off from the male gender until I am sure of someone. Why would I want the same flavor all the time I need to pick the ones I would never give a chance to in the past. The ones that are super nice and say complimentary things without those things being about my body or what they would like to do with my body. So my list of demands is long now in what a guy must possess to be with me. I guess that's it for now.

I don't have to do much, I don't have to lie I don't have to not be me. I don't have to try to make you laugh I am allowed to be who I am I am allowed to pay for things I am allowed to find you amazing I am allowed to love sleeping in your arms I don't want anything else right now. I dont' think I ever could I don't want to stop kissing you. I don't want to stop spinning I am wonderful when I am with you. I am thankful, and nice, and kind I am what I've wanted to be. I am just being myself. I want to cook you 10 course meals I want to wake up to you every morning I want to watch you get ready in the morning I want to share my small creeky bed with you.

I'm too blissful to think Too full of hope to not want to try So entangled by your kiss That it keeps me up at night. I'm too blissful not to tell you How strong and amazing I think you are. So full of what could be To let it put me in a head lock Your kiss is so amazing Your touch sends shivers up my spine. I could lay in your bed forever Not wanting to move ahead in time Your smell is better than any drug Your kisses in the morning are the best. I could stay awake for hours Watching you sleep and breathe You have made me see the possibilities And what true feelings could be I don't have any power over you I just simply am too full of bliss.

So maybe I've been through a lot of guys. That finally at 27 I know what good and honest is. I've been through more men than most women my age. I don't consider myself to be a slut, I just consider myself to be lucky. I've learned what to do and how to please a man in bed. I've learned that test driving the car is very important. I love hearing a guy laugh at me and with me. I love hearing all the things most women like to hear. I like a man that is confident with his status with me. That he knows I'm not going to stray just because other men find me attractive. You see, I've been with assholes, and jerk-offs, and never really with a decent nice guy. Well that was until recently, what ever or how ever you want to define us is fine I don't need a title, just being with him is enough. I like the way he looks at me, and how he comes to me, and how he touches me. I love the way he feels and the way my body feels against his. We laugh, we talk, we do lots of fun things together. He makes me relaxed, and comfortable something I've never been with, with any guy. So maybe it's the four leaf clover I found a few weeks ago, or maybe it is just luck, or maybe it's just me that has finally changed and realized what I deserve and what a man deserves from a woman. I'm nicer than I ever was. I'm giving my all this time, and hopping it does not bite me in the ass, no lies, no fibs, nothing but me being me, and me being real.

The time came and went like the seasons. You and I were once one. I was always warm and giving. You were the weather of texas always odd. I saw the light and knew I had to go there I knew I could not keep you I knew you needed to be let go. all of this freedom you deserve. And here I stand alone and trembling Not knowing when I'll be whole again. Left you in the wind Had to move on. So we will try to be friends We will try to move past this pain We will try to keep what we had in our hearts. I will never forget how your touch felt. Maybe this is just the beginning again for us. We will continue to live our lives We can move past this I know. I will love you to the core until I leave this earth.