A friend of mine got me thinking about a good old man and his famous qoutes. I thought I might share a few of them.
On Dichotomy - "It's too bad you're stupid, cuz you sure are ugly."
On Brotherhood - "No, your brother isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you're a spoon."
On Life - "Life is like a box of chocolates - it sucks when its empty. And meaningless. And filled with depression."
On Inquisitiveness - "There are no stupid questions, just stupid askers."
On Sports - "I'm sure there are worse athletes in the world than you, but they're probably hooked up to iron lungs."
On The Fairer Sex- "I like my women like I like my coffee - silent and in the cupboard."
On Existentialism - "It's okay; if we didn't have stupid people, we wouldn't have you."
On Capabilities - "It's a good thing there's breathing, or else there'd be nothing you're good at."
On Similarities and Differences - "Oranges are orange. Cheetos are orange. Yet they taste completely different. But they both leave shit all over your fingers."
On Charity - "It's too bad sperm isn't wheat, or we could wring out that sock under your bed and feed the world."
On Bargaining - "You wouldn't just buy a refrigerator for your igloo, you'd pay extra for the icemaker."
On Employment(?) - "Chickens don't have teeth, but they'll peck your eye out. Remember that when you're at a job interview."
On Biology - "Did you know you can't stuff a baby back inside a woman? Found that out when you were born."
On Chance - "They say lightning never strikes twice. That's why we had your brother."
On Hydration - "The human body is 70% water, so without water, we'd be shriveled up bags of crap. Like your grandfather."
On Dating - "There's plenty of girls that'll date you. They're called hookers."
On Teetotalers - "If God hadn't meant for us to drink, he wouldn't have made bars the only place our useless kids couldn't go."
On Open-Mindedness - "If your mother had just taken it in the back door, I wouldn't have to be wasting my time with this conversation right now."
On Entomology - "Did you know that some beetles eat their young? Hmmmm...you'd probably be all fatty and gross."
On Fortune - "If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have you."
On Life (II) - "Life is kind of like a squirrel. It just sits up in a tree, munching on delicious nuts, chattering away, mocking you and your worthless self."
