So I was sitting in the student's union today, chewing upon the crummy chicken sandwich I'd bought myself when I suddenly came to one hell of a conclusion.....
Boy do I rule.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT!! I am the perfect candidate to be the president of everything that you own. I'm guessing you're not convinced, so I present to you six splendid reasons why I should be your ruler:
1.) I'd rename "blackboards" and "chalkboards."
Everyone knows that calling a blackboard a blackboard is wrong, despite the fact that a blackboard is a board that is black. Yeah yeah, I know: It's science, but since when did scientific fact have regard for skin color anyway? Shame on you for questioning me: its goddamn wrong and immoral because everyone knows that the word "black" used in conjunction with any other word is a subtle hateful and racist remark towards people of African descent or creed. Wrong I tell you!
Likewise, same principle with the word "chalkboard." "Chalkboard", is clearly an equally disgusting racist jibe made towards the whitey Chalk Leprachauns of south-east Borneo, and thus it is outrageous and unacceptable. Instead I will rename them "rectal bricks" because it kinda sticks in the head and any reference to any other colour or material would be clearly offensive and racist. Although the Rectum People of East Latvia might think I'm calling them all blackboards and take offense, so I'll have them all murdered instead. Actually maybe not: I don't think its a good idea to have people constantly thinking about blackboards- oops I mean chalkboards... I mean, ehh damn. I guess I really must be a filthy racist
Sorry, overly-politically correct society.
2.) I'd create a new multi-national TV Show called "Big Dumbass."
This policy is perfect for removing all the stupid in the world, yet keeping everyone happy. I'd build a giant Big Dumbass house (the size of Belgium) and put all the stupid people in the world inside it. The stupid people are happy because they're on a shitty television show where they think everyone's watching them lick each other's legs or something dumb like that. Meanwhile, intelligent people are also happy because they can just switch the dumbasses off if they want to ignore them and instead focus on more important things like the development of the human race and invading Mars. Not only that, but when smart people get bored they can just switch on the television again and laugh at the idiots being idiots. I really am a goddamn genius.
3.) Puzz 3D models would be utilized to fight poverty.
Three-dimensional jigzaw puzzles are put to waste every year, being left to rot on someone's mantlepiece after some bored guy with nothing better to do has constructed it. This policy keeps all bored people occupied whilst providing sanctity and a secure home for the homeless and poverty-striken. My new lifesize 3D jigsaws will kick severe ass and will be completely puddleproof. Don't get too many leaves on them though, its not my damn fault the trees like to get nekkid.
4.) Anyone called Gary would be shot on sight.
The name Gary just bugs me. Killing all Garys is therefore justified.
5.) Anyone who listens to "The X-ecutioners" would be game in a new sport.
I call the new sport "Chode hunt." Basically, if you see a moron who listens to The X-ecutioners (wow, they left out the 'E.' That is so cool, I can relate to it because I'm part of 'Generation-X;' its so rad and trendy to spell stuff incorrectly on purpose), you set your army of rottweiler dogs on them. The best part of the game is when you smirk with glee as you watch your dogs rip the jackass to pieces with their huge jaws and pointy teeth.
6.) Everyone would be killed, and be replaced with a clone of me.
I really am a genius. This is the best idea I could come up with. Imagine how honoured you would be if you were culled, and spawned in your place a clone of me? If this happened then everyone would kick ass. How cool would that be? All the other Daves would make me their leader because I'm the original. I'd rename the world Dave. This site would be dead because the world would be perfect and there'd be no nastiness to gain comic inspiration from, but its a small price to pay to ensure the continuation of the human race. Don't you think? I'm so clever I want to shit my pants. Vote me. You wouldn't suck so much if you were me.
Damn, wish I hadn't shit my pants now. Brb.
