Simply simple random rants Blog by Die Zimtzicke
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Love

Hello Love

I wanted to write you a letter today. I wish to give you thankfulness for being within the gracile boundaries of my entire lifetime. Without you embracing the moments of my heart, I wouldn’t know the deep passions I have experienced. I would never have been opened to the visions of dreams. Without you I would never have experienced lovingness, I also would never have overcome the ache of my broken heart. I willingly will experience again just for you.

Through you, I am a better person with all that you have introduced me to in all my times of need, and I am grateful for your selflessness. You are the breadth of my life force, the reasons I am with gratitude of tender mercies of your gifts in love.

My life would never have been the same had you not touched me with the gifts of humility to know what it means to feel humbled. I am humbled within you, just as I am empowered to know you through the lessons of your virtue. The righteous paths you have chosen for me to encounter are all monumental lessons of your undying devotion. Without your compassions in love there would be no comprehension of value and worth. I would never have understood wisdoms without the arms of your knowledge embracing me to love deeper than my own needs and desires. You taught me to love above myself within the boundaries of your imperial freedoms. You inscribe my deepest passions with fulfillments in the days I wake, the rest I need. You are the completeness of my soul within my heart’s voice.

You are my passion, my desire, my ache, my hurt, my mending, my emotions. You are everything to me. You are the loyalty of devote commitments & I am somebody because you touch my heart with the words of your exotic knowledge. You complete me.

Thank You Love, for speaking to my soul…

In all my love dedicated to you, I am grateful to know you exist…

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.
Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.
As I trust my offspring's ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination process on the proviso that all references to 'Jesus' are replaced with the term 'Purportedly Magic Jew.'
Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David
The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.
I was actually in a Bible based play once and played the role of 'Annoyed about having to do this.' My scene involved offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus then standing between 'I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho' and 'I don't feel very well'. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhea causing 'I don't feel very well' to vomit onto the back of Mary's head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticized for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.
Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David
While it would be a pity for Seb to miss out on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, if you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the box that says I do not give my child permission to attend.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5.09pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo, and was at home playing Playstation.
Someone probably should have asked "So the rock has been moved and he's gone... has anyone checked his house?" I realize Playstation was not around in those days but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said "Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick, if not, then and only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the son of God."
If we accept though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a Playstation. Probably a Playstation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. God would probably have said to him, "I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this but seeing as you have been good... just don't tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto."
Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be ok due to the fact that he can only die if he gets his head chopped off?
Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10.13am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.23pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
You raise a valid point and I appreciate you pointing out my failings as a parent. Practicing a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practicing a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.
Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learnt a lot from Mr Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well making it hard for the other person to hold you down. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.
Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn't believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again.
When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretense of free chips, we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colorful coat and a lot of looking upwards. Due to the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colorful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.
Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.47pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David
I don't see what any of that has to do with this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3.36pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child's education. I will assume then that you will also be organizing a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescion, galaxy and planetary formation and eventually life?
Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behavior of Saturn's moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together, tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister moons, the multi-billionfold moonlets of Saturn’s rings, Saturn’s gravitational field, companion planets, the variability’s of Sol, stars, galaxy, neighboring galaxies... or possibly not, according to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.
Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds, due to the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysic propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing 'facts that cease to exist when they are ignored' tray.
Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

I'm not going to waste any more precious time replying to your stupid emails. If you don't want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the permission slip.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11.04am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip


From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject

I will pray for you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: No Subject

Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.
Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

I've had enough of your nonsense. Dont email me again.

From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Word of God

DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.

From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.35pm
To: GOD  Cc: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Word of God

I'm serious.
From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.48pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Word of God

OK.

Idaho should have own Survivor Show The contestants will start in Boise and travel North then back to Boise! Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Obama is God. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns. The first one that makes it back to Boise alive wins..

It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 7 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months mostly due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools. RIP Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase, Billy Lucas and Cody J. Barker (picture not shown). You are loved.

 

Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase, Billy Lucas


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my snatch and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??



According To You


I'm stupid

I'm useless

According to you
I'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
Can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny,irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
You can't take me any place

According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
like I'm not hated
Oh, no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
you're stupid
you're useless
you can't do anything right

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you [you, you]
According to you [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

I was on the outskirts of a little southern town Trying to reach my destination before the sun went down The old CB was blarin' away on Channel 1-9
When there came a little boy's voice on the radio line And he said breaker 1-9 is anyone there Come on back truckers and talk to Teddy Bear I keyed the mike and I said you got it Teddy Bear And the little boy's voice came back on the air
Appreciate the breaker who we got on that end I told him my handle and then he began Though I'm not supposed to bother you fellows out there Mom says you're busy and for me to stay off the air But you see I get lonely and it helps to talk
Cause that's about all I can do I'm crippled and I can't walk I came back and told him to fire up that mike And I'd talk to him as long as he'd liked
This was my dad's radio the little boy said But I guess it's mine and mom's now cause my daddy's dead Dad had a wreck about a month ago He was tryin' to get home in a blinding snow Mom has to work now to make ends meet
And I'm not much help with my two crippled feet She says not to worry that we'll make it alright But I hear her cryin' sometimes late at night
You know there's one thing I want more than anything else to see Oh I know you guys are too busy to bother with me But you see my dad used to take me for rides when he was home But I guess that's all over now since my daddy's gone
Not one breaker came on the old CB as that little crippled boy talked with me I tried hard to swallow a lump just wouldn't stay down As I thought about my boy back in Greenville town Dad was gonna take mom and me with him later on this year Why I remember him sayin' someday This old truck will be yours Teddy Bear But I know now I'll never get a ride on 18-wheeler again But this old base'll keep me in touch with all my trucker friends Teddy Bear's gonna back on out now and leave you alone Cause it's about time for mom to come home But you give me shout when you're passin' through And I'll surely be happy to come back to you
Well I came back and I said before you go 10-10 What's your home 20 little CB friend He gave me his address and I didn't once hesitate Cause this hot load of freight would just have to wait I turned that truck around on a dime
And headed straight for Jackson Street 229 And as I rounded the corner oh I got one the heck of a shock 18-wheeler were lined up for three city blocks
I guess every driver for miles around had caught Teddy Bear's call And that little crippled boy was havin' a ball For as fast as one driver would carry him in
Another would carry him to his truck and take off again Well you better believe I took my turn rifin' Teddy Bear And then carried him back in and put him down in his chair And buddy if I never live to see happiness again
I want you to know I saw it that day in the face of that little man
We took up a collection for him before his mama got home
And each driver said goodbye and then they were all gone
He shook my hand with a mile long grin and said so long trucker I'll catch you again
Ah I hit that Interstate with tears in my eyes
I turned on the radio and I got another surprice
Breaker 1-9 came the voice on the air
Just one word of thanks from mama Teddy Bear
We wish each and everyone a special prayer for you
Cause you just made my little boy's dream come true
I'll sign off now before I start to cry may God ride with you 10-4 and goodbye

Is there anyone who you think you deserve an apology from?
Yes, and to him, I say "Fuck you Chris."

Do you remember who you sat by during the birth video in school?
I live in Idaho, they're so damn conservative up here, they still refuse to give kids condoms at a high school.

Have you ever played the guitar?
I tried to, but, it's not my forte.

When was the last time you bled? What happened?
Umm, probably when I hit Michelle's boyfriend, because he beat her up, I split my knuckle.

When are you planning on moving out of your parents' house?
As soon as I find a job that allows me to.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Of course.

Have you ever been called beautiful?
Quite a few times, and tetu for it if you do call me it.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/
girlfriend drinks?
Yes, it bothers me if they do it in excess. I was raised by a very abusive alcoholic, and I will not put up with it from a man I'm dating.

Did anything "cute" happen in the last week?
Well, ummm.... Let's see... Oliver made me giggle.

Who was the last person you changed your clothes in front of?
My mom haha.

Do you think people who do drugs are stupid?
Of course I do!

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
Probably.

What is the worst thing that has happened to you lately?
Some guy named Chris was being a complete bastard with a dash of douche.

Are you against weed, or do you think it should be legalized?
I'm allergic to it, soo, I think it's disgusting anyways. But, if we legalized it, and taxed the hell out of it, it could help us get out of debt.

Would you rather date an actor or an athlete?
Well, the plus size to the athlete would be a great ass haha.

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2010?
Kinda

Are you a simple or complicated person?
Both at the same time

Could you handle living together with the last person who you talked on the phone with?
It was either Oliver or Wyatt, and I don't know either of them well enough lol.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Nope, I don't hide secrets from people, nor do I lie myself.

When was the last time you ate popcorn?
Years and years ago, I hate popcorn.

Is your cell phone a touch screen?
Nope.

Are you happy with who you are?
Mostly, but I could use some improvment.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah

Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
No way.

Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Yeah, I usually tell someone that I don't want to get married, or have kids, they either get all flustered and call me a heretic, or call me selfish and a bitch. *shrugs* Not my problem.

Would you consider adoption?
Um, nope.

Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating?
No, that  is called cheating, for you idiots out there.

Do you believe that you can change someone?
Maybe if you have enough influence on them, and why would you want to change someone to suit your needs? Unless the issue is a violent or dangerous to themself or others, leave them the fuck alone.

Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't?
Yeah... Queen Latifah... You still elude me... WHY!?!?!

Have you ever broken a heart?
Maybe once or twice..

Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
If my significant other made it a "you fight for me, or I'll leave you" issue, I'd leave him. They can be happy in their self diluted bliss, and maybe they'll die in their sleep, because they're using my air on their useless bodies.

2 months ago, who did you have a crush on?
Were not going to go into my temporary lapse of judgement.

Who was the last person to wear your clothes?
Me

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
Yes.

Your phone is ringing. It's the person you fell hardest for, what do you say?
"Hey nuvva, how are you? I miss you, how was boot camp?" We've already figured it out: I'll love him until I die, but, he wont be with me because I don't want marriage and kids. So, I'll be his best friend in the entire world, and just hope that he's happy with whatever woman is good enough for him.

Let's say I break into your house
A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!!
It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.
Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress

is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.
Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

But I say, 'No! I like it here. It's better than my house. I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:


You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to feed me
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family

My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house
And what a deal it is for me!!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.


Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so that you can communicate with me.



Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!


America is populated and governed by idiots.


If you agree, pass it on (in English).

If not blow it off.........
along with your future Social Security funds and a lot of the former benefits of being an American Citizen.

You leave your keys in the car (or the ignition!) and the next morning it's still there.

A building is a landmark if it's 100 years old.

You can fish, golf, parasail, flightsee, and go skiing all in the same day if you try hard enough.

Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list.

The only 14 hippies and commies are fittingly locked away at some bar in Moscow.

You know how to pronounce Pend Oreille and Coeur d'Alene in a decidedly Francophobic way.

You don't mind that your state was named after a hoax.

You know that the racists who gave you a bad reputation came mostly from Pennsylvania and Texas.

You've ever received skis for Christmas, and used them Christmas morning skiing off the roof.

You know what Lewiston smells like.

You realize that you're quickly becoming a giant Mormon suburb.

Your definition of a condo is "what Californians come to purchase."

You have more than once, while in another state, said "You call THIS a lake?"

You think suburban sprawl is the latest innovation...what a novel idea!

When your parents think mass transit describes the state of Nevada relative to California and Idaho...think about it. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/transit)

You're tired of potato, white supremacist, your-state-looks-like-a-pork-chop, "Idaho?-Udaho!", and any or all such empty and unoriginal jokes.

Your Vandals play in a barn, your Broncos eat blue grass, and your Bengals are in the witness protection program.

You can successfully use 'Hagadone' as a verb.

You live in the only place outside New England where you can go between three states and a Canadian province in under 3 hours.

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