So I came home from work and I new my Mom had her test today.. The doctor first told her it was Scoliosis.. Well now they're saying it isnt that, and it could be either MS or Leukemia.. Wtf do they mean it could? These are suppose to be our doctors, not dicking us around.. Its like if its Leukemia, wtf am i going to do.. I already lost two grandmothers and a cousin..
After Matt I cant bare to lose anyone else for awhile.. This is my Mother for Christs sakes. Yea we bitched and shit for the past 18 years but I cant lose her.. Not now. I keep thinking of what would happened if she died, of all she would be missing throughout my life.. Remembering the kids from school who alrady lost their Mothers..
I never realized that it could happen to me. Its like I never really cared if I died, but after I lose my parents Im alone. Im only child, I don't have anyone else. Im so incredibly terrified, I have never been this scared about anybody dying in my entire life. I feel so guilty for every time that Ive done her wrong, that Ive yelled or havent done something for her. Than all Ive been heearing is hope for the best, wtf is hoping going to do if she already has it. WTF am I going to do. People have no realization of how fucked up I truely am. I know that sounds absolutely horribly, but I am mentally unstable. I know I am. Im not crazy, but Im not all there since Matthew died.
Its like all I wanted in life was to have the people who I love around me, I wanted to get married have kids, and just be normal. I'm scared I'll never amount to anything.. Ive never really had a friend who I could honesty talk to. Everyone says they understand but I know they have no clue and in their minds they are prolly just analyzing the situation and laughing at me. I just wish I had one person who tried to understand me, who didnt judge me, who would hold me when I cried, and talked to me when I needed them.. Just one person..
Ive been more suicidal in the past 8 months than Ive been in the past 18 years. Like before it was the teenage drama, oh I hate life such and such, now its straight up I dont want to live if this shit keeps happening. I understand there are people out there in worse situations than myself, and I give them kudos on dealing with it as strong as they do, but I cant do that. Im so afraid of being alone, of dying alone... I know i most likely do not make any sense and Im sorry for whoever is reading this. I dont mean to sound all depressed and emo, I just needed to vent, even though it really didn't help.. but yea.. thanks for your time.
