* 15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
* 14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
* 13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
* 12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
* 11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
* 10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
* 9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
* 8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
* 7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
* 6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
* 5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
* 4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
* 3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
* 2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
* 1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
