I'm going to be helpful tonight because I'm feeling the Christian inside of me. Let me let you in on a few secrets of the rules of retail:
1-When you send a clerk to look for something for you in the back, they are doing one of these things:
A- Taking a shit.
B- Smoking a cigarette.
C- Telling the other clerks how much of a douche bag you are.
D- Rubbing one out (my personal favorite).
2- If you're being helped in the store and need to take a phone call because you're so fucking important, release the clerk from his duties and don’t get pissed off when you finish your conversation 5 minutes later and they're gone. I'm not going to wait around for you to have an argument with your wife about the fucking casserole in the fridge. These people need to wear T-shirts that say, "Use condoms" on them.
3- Here are some more cell-phone wankers: these fucking blue tooth people. Come on now. Do you fucking people have any idea how ridiculous you look when you're walking around in a store having a full-out conversation with FUCKING NOBODY? "Jerry, I told you not to take the car because it needs an oil change. What do you mean you already did it? Hello? Can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME?? HELLOOOOO????" These quirky little inventions were made for you to use while you're driving because a phone call can't wait for some people. Not for you to look like a crazy person.
Nextel people. I don't need a punch line. You know who you are.
4- When you ask a clerk when something is coming in, they have no idea and they're going to lie to you.
5- If you think the clerk is laughing at you, they probably are.
6- If the clerk is rude to you, it's because they think you're an asshole.
7- If you walk around the store screaming: "nobody here wants to help the customers" cherish this moment, because it’s the only time you'll ever be right.
