Subliminal's blog: "Subliminal Lies"

[Tool. Right In Two]
Angels on the sideline
Puzzled and amused
Why did the father give these humans free will?
Now they're all confused

Don't these talking monkeys
Know that Eden has enough to go around
Plenty in this holy garden, silly old monkeys
Where there's one, you're bound to divide it

Right in two

Angels on the sideline
Baffled and confused
Father blessed them with reason
And this is what they choose

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground
Silly monkeys, give them thumbs
They forge a blade
And when there's one, they're bound to divide it

Right in two

Monkey killing monkey killing monkey
Over pieces of the ground
Silly monkeys, give them thumbs
They make a club and beat their brother down

How they survived so misguided
Is a mystery
Repugnant is a creature
Who would squander the ability
To lift an eye to heaven
Conscious of his fleeting time here

Got to divide it all right in two

They fight, till they die
Over earth, over sky
They fight, over life,
Over brawn, over air and light,
Over love, over sun. Over blood
They fight, or they die, all for what? For our rising!

Angels on the sideline again
Been too long with patience and reason
Angels on the sideline again
Wondering when this tug of war will end

Got to divide it all right in two

Right in two....

[Tool. Ænema]
Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
Certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit
Three ring
Circus sideshow of

Freaks here in this
Hopeless fucking
Hole we call LA
The only way to
Fix it is to
Flush it all away
Any fucking time
Any fucking day
Learn to swim
See you down in
Arizona Bay

Fret for your figure
And fret for your latte
And fret for your lawsuit
And fret for your hairpiece
And fret for your Prozac
And fret for your pilot
And fret for your contract
And fret for you car it's a
Bullshit
Three ring
Circus sideshow of

Freaks here in this
Hopeless fucking
Hole we call LA
The only way to
Fix it is to
Flush it all away
Any fucking time
Any fucking day
Learn to swim
See you down in
Arizona Bay

Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits and
Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
Certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this
Stupid shit
Silly shit
Stupid shit

One great big festering neon distraction
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied
Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

Mom's going to fix it all soon
Mom's coming 'round to put it back the way it ought to be

Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

Fuck L Ron Hubbarb
And fuck all his clones
Fuck all these gun-toting hep gangsta wannabe's
Fuck retro-anything
Fuck your tattoos
Fuck all you junkies
And fuck your shortened memory

Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

Fuck smiling gladhands with hidden agendas
Fuck these dysfunctional, insecure actresses

Learn to swim
Learn to swim
Learn to swim

'Cause I'm praying for rain
I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I want to watch it all go down
Ma' please flush it all away
I want to see it go right in and down
I want to watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away

Time to bring it down again
Don't just call me a pessimist
Try and read between the lines
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend

I want to see it come down
Suck it down
Flush it down


Been thinking tonight... and it isn't that I don't want anyone's help... because I do. I'm not that daft... but the truth is, I've dug myself in too deep. I'm beyond help... the only way it's going to get is worse. It might stay the same, this is possible, but it won't get any better. I floated away from humanity for far too fucking long. True human relationships. To even know where to begin on how to handle them. I do the best I can, I fake it with the best... Maybe fake isn't the right word, it's probably not. Because... it's sincere, what I feel for humans (in general or specific, it's all different, so I'm covering the gamut. Love and Hatred [or seething loathing for that matter]) I can go through the motions well enough to fit in without being found out too bad, but not too well, either. None of it really matters, in the end, really. I'll either survive or I won't. Pretty black and white on that one. Live or die. Pretty simple. At least biologically speaking. Some would say that what I do isn't Living in the general sense of things, but that's neither here nor there. It just isn't. I survive.

"Survival is my only friend..."

That's good enough with me. Some people can handle it, some cannot, and I can't ... totally off subject, really. But I can't go talking to my "friends" or "acquaintances" or "loved ones" because... well, there are a few reasons. One, I don't know how. Two, I don't know where to begin. Three, opening up and being open is not in my genetic wiring. Four, I've lost too many of the above when I've opened up and I've learned from my mistakes. They all became very disinterested in maintaining a friendship or much of anything after that. One or two exceptions, maybe, or maybe they were just too thickheaded to really let it sink in.

Funny story.

Me and [insert ex's name here... if you know, grand. if not, too bad] were together for just shy of two years [one week shy, to the day, actually... (hint)] and one night... I had a relapse, if you will. A moment of weakness (trust), and confided some pretty heavy shit to this person. In essence, I opened myself up like a side of beef on the butcher's block. Within 24 hours, I was dismissed. After two years and a thousand promises.

Is this coincidence? Highly possible. Well, theoretically possible...

And an interesting post-script to that story... I woke up the next morning after 3 hours of sleep (after opening up) and had the worst fucking heartburn I have ever had. To this day. It felt like I had drank battery acid. Not fun, let me tell you. Not something I recommend... but you know, shit happens.

Since then, I decided a handful of things, one or two of which I have reneged on.

One, I wasn't going to try my hand on the whole opening-up thing, even after 2 years of servitude as my significant other....

Two, I'm never sleeping in a bed without a headboard or some other form of backstop again (the pillow got pushed back and ...let's just say that attributed to the heartburn, and is one of the reasons I sleep with so many fucking pillows)

Three, I would never get into another relationship again, I would live as a pseudo-asexual monk. (pseudo because, I know that if it weren't for two things I'd never survive... music and fucking) [This is one I reneged on, and I'm not complaining, but it's a fact]

and... I think there were a couple other decisions amongst the Ashes of that debacle. Well, there are, actually, but they were things I decided in the last year and really have no baring on this story. Just the way it is, I'm sure you understand. Trivial details.

But really, that's the long and the short of it, at least for the immediate purposes...

Honestly, I'm too far fucking gone to be fixed or helped by anyone on the outside, and I'm too lazy to deal with it myself. Also, too scared....

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."


I suppose it's all semantics and bullshit, really, but I won't ask my friends or acquaintances to battle my monsters or my demons with me. It's not their concern, it's not their problem, and as old as these skeletons and zombies are, no one would give a shit. A lot of it has to do with my childhood and the way I was raised, perhaps. Not necessarily how I was raised [-smirks-] but with my childhood in general. Keep in mind that during those key developmental years, I did not have friends. IE. From birth to about Junior High or High School, I was alone. I was alone. Plain and simple. I had no one that I could go do. Family or friends included. So I learned to be, really, self-sufficient in the way of my emotions and turmoil. I took care of it on my own, and by the time I had acquaintances, it was too late.

I was already to set in my ways and my arrogance.

Which is where and why the whole not knowing how thing kicks in. Pretty basic ... I'm a socially fucked and inept person. It's not personal that I don't open up to people, really. It's a general thing, and just the way I was wired. I was wired to stand stoically and take what was given to me. Ever seen Animal House? The scene where Kevin Bacon is getting spanked by Neidermeijer? "Thank you sir, may I have another?" A bit like that.

Why do I relate myself to lyrics and book passages and movie quotes? Because that's what I had growing up. Those were my friends, and how I learned to communicate, in a way. They communicate better than I do. I can write, I suppose. People say I can, I'm a bit on the fence about it, but whatever. But that's different. Plugging words into their mouths is easier than my own, because I know the other half of the conversation too, I reckon. Am I a control freak? Oh, it's possible. Maybe, possibly, kinda sorta.

-shrugs-

I was getting to a point and I lost it, and my brain is a bit frazzled....

Fraggle Rock...

I don't know... fuck it. I'm out.

[Tool. H.]
What's coming through is alive
What's holding up is a mirror
What's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn my piss to wine

They're both totally void of hate
Killing me just the same and
The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again

And I feel this coming over like a storm again, now
Considerately...

Venomous voice
Tempts me and
Drains me
Bleeds me
Leaves me cracked and empty
Drags me down like
Some sweet gravity

Snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again

And I feel this coming over like a storm again, now
And I feel this coming over like the storm again, now
I am too connected to you
To slip away, fade away
Days away I
Still feel you, touching me, changing me
Considerately killing me
Considerately killing me

Without the skin here
Beneath the storm
Under these tears, now
The walls came down
Once the snake is drowned
There's a look in his eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I could have cried then,
I should have cried then

As the walls come down
And there's a look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
And will die
It's alright
I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind

I am too connected to you
To slip away, fade away
Days away I
Still feel you
Touching me, changing me and
Considerately killing me
Considerately killing me