Tedlys2's blog: "resentment rant"

    I never realized that I was ashamed of my feelings. That was really hard to come to terms with, and I am still working on it.

  Realizing that I was ashamed of my feelings made me feel ashamed. It's so insidious and insane. Feelings just "are". Everybody has them. I don't understand how I got like that. I don't understand why I never realized I was carrying that shame. I had to ask for help to deal. My NA sponsor offered this, "The fastest way out of that mess is to JUST STOP." Ya right! That fucking helps! Asshole!! Another friend commented "Ashamed of your feelings, like, DUH!! I've known you since you came into the program and don't know how you really feel about anything. All your "The twelve steps are a buzz kill" bullshit.... Making jokes and finding the humor in everything is all well and good, but that's all we get out of you. It's your wall. You're not fooling anybody.""But... but... but..." I stutter."But... but... but... WHAT? Every time a junkie starts a sentence with "But" it ends in some kind of fucked up rationalization. I don't have time for this shit. Call your fucking sponsor." Out the door she goes. Fucking cunt. Twat. 21, 22 years old, thinks she knows everything. I'm thinking this might be what "being called on your shit" feels like. Fuck her though, nobody calls me on my shit. I fucking lost more shit in the carpet than that little bitch ever smoked. Had to go back and ask my asshole sponsor "Whadayameen? Just stop? " He replies, "JUST STOP what the fuck you're doing!" "And what the fuck am I doing?", I spew back. "The same fucking thing you've always done." he informs me. "Thanks a lot, that really fucking helps!" I sarcasm at the fuck. Fuck him. Big Mr. Clean N. Sober for 32 years. Whatever. He shouldn't be sponsoring anybody. Fuckers go on and on at meetings, all "I'm struggling with feeling blah blah blah." "I think I need to do another 4th step because yakidy yakidy yakidy..." There ya go cunt, keep doing yer 4th step cuz it makes your box wet when you talk about all the guys you fucked over. Slut. Admit to God and another person the exact nature of your wrongs? OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Ya , that's why you keep switching sponsors and redoing your 4th step. Gives you the same type of thrill that fucking a new guy does. Well wake up Fluffball! No need to get a new sponsor to tell cuz everybody already knows about you, and if they don't, well, your stench says it all. It's not a sexy musky odor that you tell yourself it is, hell no, it's stale semen and sweat. Hey, I just call 'em like I smell 'em. It's an honesty program. Try it sometime. Fucking loser. Don't even know how sick you are. Pathetic. Call my sponsor? Call your fucking sponsor! Fucking trying to send your avitar into my brain. Treat my head like a slum. Smash out my windows. Rip out my wiring and sell it for crack. Fucking walking relapse factory. Your own best customer. Lifetime pass for the short bus and too stupid to know it. Oh, and by the way, it's not the dress that makes your ass look fat, it's the fat that makes your ass look fat. You need to get your stomach stapled, and I'm not talking about having it stapled to the "All U Care to Eat" buffet either. Pig. Addicted to fentynal patches ? Boo fucking Hoo! Oh poor me! Try being grateful that they haven't come out with a mashed potato and gravy patch! Then you'd really be fucked! Fucking NA around here, I swear to God! Fuckers don't know what it's like. Bunch of whiners. Can't stand the fact that my program SHINES! NEW RULE. If you had a "Special Program" in school (tard), you have to have a "Special Program" in recovery(tard). Can't stand it that I get people laughing. Don't want anyone to be happy. They're miserable and want me to be too. Nice. Fucking nice. I'm digressing, but what the hell. To continue the narrative........I stew for a few days in my comfy pity pot, turn off the furnace 'cuz I'm heating with resentment now. I ain't even gonna pay the fucking gas bill. Fuck them. Greedy cocksuckers. They don't give a fuck, why should I? I call ex wife #2, also in recovery, and tell her about my crisis. She asks "Red or blue?", I'm like "What?" She's like "Red or blue?" "RED OR BLUE WHAT?" I void. "Balloons for your pity party! I'll send some over! hehehehehehehe", she titters at me in that irritating way she has. I'm JUST PISSED now! I hang up on the stupid bitch. Can't fucking believe I ever knocked her up. Twice! I'll show these fucks. I'm gonna get some shit, get all jacked and go to a meeting. Articulate the fuck out of them. Bring out some rampage verbiage. Use big words, leave half of 'em like "Wha?" Dumb fucks. Should make them finish hooked on phonics before you waste a big book on them. NA is so fucked up around here. All like "I been clean for 14 days now, this Facility has saved my life. I have self esteem now. I feel like a productive member of society ." JUMPIN' TAP DANCIN JESUS! The county is paying the bill!!!!!!!Doing the dishes here every other day IS NOT A REAL JOB! You're a drain, a draaaaaaaaiin....Can you spell that? I thought not! Can't get to the twelfth step cuz you can't count that high.FUCKING TARDS.