Cara Anguisette's blog: "rememberings"

ive been here since nov 12 2008 i got the call on nov 10th saying that my gramps isnt doing so well it was almost 2 yrs ago that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer...he started chemo at the end of april 07 and just a few months ago stop treatments all together because it was 2 weeks of chemo 2 months or more without it to allow his blood cell count to rebuild...it was entirely to much for him and for all of us around him, he felt, to go thru anymore...hence why he opted to stop the treatments.....now his time is drawing to an end..funeral arrangements are being made..the nice clasic silver military type casket is picked out for him...a new uniform has been gotten for our Sgt. Maj. to be buried in as he has earned the full military funeral serving in both the Korean and Vietnam Wars But his hardest job that he ever had to do ever in the service was Letting family members know that their loved ones were MIA or Killed in Action and werent coming home....I am proud to have him as my granfather...The hardest part in all of this is that he has to have someone hold his drinks for him the coughing fits he has and seing him as nothing but skin and bones his cheeks sunken in his eyes dark black almost and darn near souless peering at me but looking straight thru me and not even remembering me his first born granddaughter but looking at my mother and beaming with pri9de and joy when he sees her...some say maybe he wasnt fully awake yet some say maybe its because my hair was long...for me it doesnt matter maybe i wasnt his granddaughter during that moment in time maybe i was just someone wishing that he would pass on to the next life peacefully to end his suffering as i could see it in his eyes he is so ready to go but he is holding on for some reason and that reason is yet unknown to me and others as i write this i hope and pray that he will pass at this very minute because i feel his pain and he hurts he longs to be fear of this earthly exsistence...and it pains me to say it but does it make me a bad person to wish this???

dedicated to my grandfather and father figure Retired Sgt. Maj. Bobby K. Edwards you will always be loved remembered and missed.... let me curl up next to you one more time and lay my head on your chest like i did when i was but a small babe...let me snuggle closely and rubbing your face right after you shave and smell the old spice let but kiss your balding head once more while you nap in your recliner...let us walk in the pasture and pick wild berries for grams...just once more lets do all these things before you leave hold me by my feet as you did when i was just a baby learning to strengthen my legs to stand on my own for surely this is more than i can handle...you are leaving me for good this time...you are the first man i ever learned to trust...you are the father figure of my life you gave me all my values in life old fashions values, you have taught me what love is by example and now your time is coming to an end and a large piece of me will go with you....but you are immortal for you live on thru me and my children and their children they shall hear of your deeds and always know what a great man you were...I love you Gramps