How does one get out of themselves everything they would like to say but have no idea where to begin? This Christmas is a double edged sword of sorts. On one hand I'm excited because this is the first Christmas that all 3 of my children will be conscience of what is going on around them. They get to fully take in the sight of all the lights and decorations, and Jakob and Lilyanna both actually sat and had a talk with Santa. Neither were scared of him. My oldest she's still in that whole new to being a teen so the thought of believing in Santa is about as appealing as hanging out with her parents. My husband is doing well through this time of year, it's his favorite but I believe he wishes we were spending it back home in Pa with his family.
I on the other hand, I'm not even sure what I feel or what I should feel.
Since April, when my mother passed away, I've been receiving monthly, some times weekly pamphlets from HOSPICE. Apparently these are meant to be my guide book through the grief process.
Usually I am fine, until I receive the pamphlet. HOSPICE does have an idea of what I've been going through, I do have to give them that. So far they are right on the mark. They don't exactly give you the 7 stages of grief, but they give you an idea of how to deal with them. So far, what I've found about the 7 stages of grief are as follows:
1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope
What is not explained is you can feel all stages at different times. I don't believe there is an order to that chaos. I felt 1 even before my mom passed away. I was being told she was dying but my mind wouldn't comprehend it or accept it. Part of me still don't accept it. 2 ran parallel with 1, and it still does. I wish this was a physical pain, because there are pills for physical pain. No one can give you a Tylenol for this pain. Guilt, oh Lord is that a hard one. There is guilt out the wazoo here. My brother wasn't able to make it in for mom's last day, and I couldn't get him. Combo of 2 and 3, my mother was in my care. I was her main caretaker, I didn't know she had COPD. All honesty no one knew till she was admitted into the hospital, but I should of seen the signs before it got to bad to fix. 4 was a great time, almost lost my best friend in that process. Well best friend next to my mom. It is a very very strange feeling to be an adult, yet not really feel like one because you've always had a parent either live with you or being really close to. My mom was both for me. We were probably closer then most mothers and daughters. You name it, she and I had been through it together! Other people come into your lives and they make a big impact but it's not at all the same as the parent bond. When that is gone, the world is topsy turvy, nothing makes sense, and there is no one to make it better. You are literally alone in a crowd and it consumes you totally.
During this whole 8 months 5 has been coinciding with every other stage. Instantly, I was no longer a caretaker to my mother. No longer called for to get her her meds, no longer called for because she couldn't open something, no longer called for to fix her TV that wasn't broken but some how she'd turn off the converter box and didn't know it. Instantly there was an abundance of time on my hands. Where once I was the queen of multitasking, it all went out the window. Taking care of 2 toddlers and a severely arthritic mother takes a lot of time, and I have no clue looking back how I did it. One would think there is relief in not being so far spread out, but I'd take it all back in a heart beat (guess that is also part of stage 3).
I feel I'm in the middle of 6 and 7 now. I'm driving my husband crazy with all the crafts that I've been having our kids do. I'm not exactly a willing participant through all this. If I would of been given the choice my mother would of lived forever.
It's not listed but there is an 8th stage, I've read that eventually you will be able to think of your loved one lost without the sever pain and sadness.
8 months in and I've not reached that point yet, I really don't believe I'll ever get there.
