"Reality of a Break-up"
(this is for people who question WHY)
Why is it when we end a relationship our hearts can't seem to move on? Our heads play circular games with us that continue to haunt our every waking & sleeping moments. Why do we hang on to what we think is our destiny? Is it that we have a need to fulfill some certain void that we ourselves can not obtain within ourselves?
I wish I knew the answers to these questions because I keep getting beat up by these same taunting thoughts day in and day out. But I am also a glutton for punishment. I am one of those women who love too much. There is no cure for a woman like me except to find a man who truly loves me and appreciates the woman I am OR just never end the relationship. Pretty simple right...WRONG!
I tend to find men who have an addictive personality only to win my affections...then charm their way into my bed. And I'm sick of men who can not take responsibility for their own actions then turn blame into a pointing game by making me feel guilty of something I did not do. I've been down this road too many damn times. I'm tired of the phone being slammed in my ear because my man is too immature to handle the conversation. And he's too damned angry at the world and takes it out on me.
When the relationship ends, I know I go through 3 stages: hurt, anger, and insanity. Hurt is self explanitory. Then the anger sets in: I call this the 'excuse phase'. Where I play back everything he ever said and remember all the blah blah blah. Total bullshit of his excuses to me knowing how I felt and him not caring. Him twisting words or picking one word out of everything that was said instead of listening to the WHOLE thing. I also call this the 'selectiveness', which I find men suffer. They choose to hear what they want, answer the phone-when they want, reply to messages-when they want, and other choice functions in their own time; hence the selectiveness.
Then I go insane...
maybe he actually meant and intended to hurt me. Maybe he did mean not to answer some of my calls. Maybe he is with someone else on the nights he claimed to be 'sleeping' early or at his buddys. Maybe it was ME that made him hateful. Maybe I was awful to him. Maybe I pushed him away with all the mushy-lovey dovey stuff. Second guessing myself on how I can change to make MYSELF a better person for the next guy.
Problem is, I am a good person and know damn well I am a good woman...but you still question yourself because you know you did your best and gave what you could with what you had to work with and the little time you had together. I'm not perfect, but I didn't go tracking him down everywhere or hounding him, or calling every 5mins, nor did I have to know his every move. It's not my style. In fact, he had it pretty damn easy as far as that was concerned.
That's when it hit me...I am the ex! I guess the reality of saying it out loud, "the ex" made me step back and re-think things. I was accused of so many damn things it wasn't even funny. Yet, there was no proof I did it. But I sure spent hundreds of hours and countless days trying to correct the problem and trying to prove my innocence. Hell, I even called one agency to correct one problem. Sent over a dozen emails and screen shots to another agency just to rectify another problem since that agency didn't have a phone number.
All for what I ask? It got me nowhere but my own wasted time. I constantly had to prove myself and defend my honor. But none the less, I'm a woman of honor and I will always defend my honor if I am right. I even changed for him when he asked and got nothing or little in return. I thought you were supposed to compromise in relationships?????????
The old saying about loving something and setting it free - coming back then it is yours, well, that's bullshit too. Since when did 'dating' become an "EX" thing. You propose to someone, then you are reverted to dating, then you are just casual friends, and then it's down to mere "hi there". How the hell do two people go from fiance's to "hello" in passing anyway???
I mean WTF...
