Kenners's blog: "Rants and Poems"

I'm one of those who think it's better than anything I've bought.

The nothing that consumes everything out far and beyond.

It swallows all that you hate and everything of which you're fond.

The nothing is purely blissful in the nothing that's within.

The nothing beats this something completely wrought in sin.

Nothing beats your heaven and it beats your paradise.

It beats naked women and on a hot day a drink filled with ice.

It's more refreshing than a brand new day in this fucking place.

It strikes me more beautiful than any lovely face.

I pray for the nothing to come and call me home.

I wait for the nothing to collect me where I roam.

The nothing is my everything and more so than this world.

It beats this sullen destiny that ever so slowly has unfurled.

I love my nothing more than anything that I now believe.

It's the only thing that makes me bear to move forward to leave.

My nothing oh my nothing I miss you everyday.

I wish this something would finally decay.

Peel away the misery and the false levity

and say fuck this something with it's heavy fee.

Let me embrace my nothing and not stop along the clouds.

Let me skip the lines to grace filled with gawking crowds.

They all look to the sky as if something was on it's way.

I say relax and finally... just finally... let nothing have it's day.

Why does it sew so much complicating?

Why do I always revere it so?

Why is it the thing I most know?

Why do we always kill for it?

Some even spend time in the pit.

Some climb mountains others move them...

All for what hides beneath the hem.

Simple fruit and likened to flowers.

It's of the most hypnotic powers.

Bald, with hair or even dirty.

Makes us dim and say "Gee your purty."

I wish I wish I didn't care.

I wish I didn't miss the smell of their hair.

I wish I could just look away.

I wish I could just stop to say...

"We're all human and a little beast.

We're not different in the least."

It's just another lie we say to each other.

Fathers, cousins and even a brother.

Every man from here to hell...

Can tell you for what it is they yell.

The tender touch, the ripened taste...

Why we find ourselves in such a haste.

It proves we're never really men.

Just look at the sad state we're in.

It's not meant to work that way.

Not even meant those things to say.

It frustrates me in the early hour.

Why does it over me have such power?

Though, without it I would already be gone.

Because, with it I stay awake to dawn.

I break myself over and over in the end.

It's why I can't make any girl a friend.

They know it too, but they won't admit...

That the sway they have is just bullshit.

Science can explain it all...

Though even knowing we still fall...

To our knees with delighted eye.

For it I will most surely fry.

I've got a million thoughts and each one more obscene. 

I wish I could just show you what it is I feel.

I'd bundle up my pain and feed it like a meal.

Portions each more sharply than each before the last.

Watch the eyeballs roll to know they're fading fast.

I don't think it matters when I think or not.

I can't take these angels who show me what I've wrought.

I just want my demons bundled up inside,

  and I just want that tingling from that same old ride.

It might just be another one same as the last.

It might be me repeating mistakes like ghosts from my past.

Though with white knuckles gripping the sheets around my neck...

I can clearly see me appearing to you all as tiny as a speck.

Though, it's just pandering the rhymes inside my head.

I imagine they'll keep going right up until I'm dead.

Though, I don't mind it as much as I used to do.

Breathe... in and out and let the smoke clouds ensue.

You do me just the way I like...

You tell those little thoughts to go and take a hike.

You lobotomize my mind and paint my misery.

You cover all the bruises until it's only black I see.

What do you think of when you stare at me?

I don't know what you see, but I see what to be...

Careless, loveless, and full of infidelity.

Just look one more time... Now what do you see?

There are these moments when it's not so bad.  

There are these moments when I'm happy being glad.

Just too few of moments I miss them day by day.

I brush away the murkiness that's gotten in the way.

It will quickly rush back, but for now I can breathe.

I do not feel that acid inside of me quell and seethe.

It sits silently as the tender music rolls across my mind.

It lets me look inside and for softer things to find.

Maybe just maybe it's my shining light.

Maybe it's what I get for continuing the fight.

Just a day apart when the sun shines down on me.

Just a pretty day where the gloominess doesn't seem to be.

Another little whimsy that let's me hear the rain.

A pretty set of pills to drive away the pain.

They may hate my self medicating but it's just like me.

If you had to live in the dark then maybe... you would see.

Wrapped in sinful blessings each more vibrant than before.

Just let me have my minute curled up on the floor.

Let me see the cracks just beneath the lifted bed.

Let me pretend that this is what it will be like when I'm dead.

A little bit of tingle and a little bit of warm.

Tiny bits of rhythm and a mind just like the swarm.

Visions of all the pretty things that I have ever seen.

The feeling deep inside that my soul need not be clean.

Assurance that the off white will be acceptable.

A little pat on the back to know it wasn't null.

They think they'll solve it, but i know they won't.

It doesn't matter it never did.

All that matters secretely hid.

Me, myself and all I am.

This world and you it's all a sham.

Moving shadows and empty faces.

Shallow people and cardboard places.

Endless torrents of searing pain.

Endless nights caught in pouring rain.

I love the drops but hate the wet.

I grind my teeth and jaw I set.

I hate it so this place and you.

I hate everything and all you do.

Make a baby and save the world.

Ignore all for me that has unfurled.

I don't matter I know I don't.

I can't matter I know I won't.

He's not listening he's smiling pretty.

Up there in his golden city.

I scratch strips of flesh from my face.

I can't stand this god damn place.

Screaming inside I call the thunder.

I can't break this spell I'm under.

If you want my soul come and claim it.

I have something for you.  Sit while I aim it.

Split in two and blown apart.

I'll hit the button and say restart.

Flush this world and all within.

I am wicked, but not with sin.

It's a bitter fire fierce inside.

I doubt it will ever subside.

It'll burn me up and you too.

So, go on do what you do.

It doesn't matter in the end.

He's not my saviour or my friend.

Just another callous prick,

and I'm just another plague of sick.

Devoid of levity and of joy.

Just another sick, sad boy.

Fuck this mind and all it's whims.

Reveling in the flood where no one swims.

I can never seem to let it be.

I never see the good things inside me.

I fuck them all up then toss them out.

I peer ahead with lonely doubt.

What I want and what wants me

are not compared similarly.

It's just life I think inside my head.

I'll only be here 'till I'm fucking dead.

I don't know what I should fucking do.

I don't think I can see all of this through.

A million and one reasons why I should,

and I know I probably could.

Shiver, shake and wait it out.

Piss away what's left of my clout.

Fuck these thoughts I'll pry them free.

I'll rip it out so they'll all see.

This bloody sense of morbid glee.

What the fuck is wrong with me...

I've been there and though it made me dumb...

I promise in the end it will leave you all numb.

From toe to tip and on up inside.

I killed myself along for the ride.

I climbed on top and went for spin.

I marveled at the feeling I was in.

While you're spinning sometimes they're not.

They sit inside with blood and plot.

What they need and where they're going...

If you're coming it's because you're rowing.

They don't want you it's all just a game.

Leave you feeling crippled and lame.

Hobble inside and start all again.

It starts with a talk and a new friend...

Then it all goes in a new given.

Then all I ask.. who's power is driven?

I thought it would never be me,

but it goes on and on you see.

One time it's them and one time it's you.

Try all your best there's nothing can do.

Just take this one little piece of advice.

When it comes to love don't roll the dice.

The house always wins and takes it's cut.

Just hope you're not the sad stuck in a rut.

The rest is what they are to me.

They're not pretty but they're what I want to be.

I'm tired of dragging myself along at the back of the pack.

I tired of thinking leagues ahead of the simple human track.

What is that light?  Is it something coming?

No it's the party with a standard war drumming.

They march on the weak to feed their breed.

They cut out every chance we have to be free.

By we I mean the sick, the sick like me.

By sick I mean the people who see like me.

Dripping faucets and shadowed ceilings hang above.

The bills, the pills... It's just a little shove.

Right?

Not like me it's a full force kick.

Another lousy day another righteous prick.

Stick in the air like smoke from a fire.

Do what you want.  My mind stays higher.

Say what you will about faking this life.

At least I'm not faking a bunch of strife.

Call each other all day with new schemes and ploys.

Watch each manager play with all of their toys.

I have to ask after all that's been done.

Who's healthy here and who's the sick one?

Happy is what I used to be.  I only barely understand the word.  I can be happy in oblivion and happy in the now.  What I keep asking myself is not the why, but how.  Another little dullard day.  Another one I didn't find the way.  I slept in till noon then crawled down the slippery slope.  I sat and looked at your picture in my head.  I keep wondering if this is hell and I am only dead.  I want to find that place within me.  That one that doesn't seem as cold.  I want to find the pieces in me... the pieces that don't seem so old.

I am happy now.  I can see the crest break and it means something is still coming.  I don't know if it's what I want, but it has to wash this away.  I don't know that it will, but I know that it must.  I can't stand the stink of the things piling up inside my room.  All these greedy little creepers pawing on to spell my doom.  When I say my I do not refer to me.  When I say my I refer to the we.  

The we that wait in silence for the coming sun.  Those that have white knuckles clenched thinking of what they've done.  They've let pieces go.  Pieces that they needed.  I don't know that I am the we, but I play pretend.  I'll keep kicking and screaming straight up until the end.  I am not a peaceful angel I am chaos born anew.  Not the chaos that does nothing, but the one born blue.  The one that sits and wonders why it is this way.  The one that never blunders and always finds the words to say.

"I fucking hate this place and the people of.  I can't stand to fucking reason why it gave me this and not someone that begged for it time and time again.  It is the life you see and not the one you get... that has left me broken and throwing a little fit.  If you want to join me it's your fucking choice.  Just keep in mind I forgot to tell you so and now it's too late."

Broken little fragments still left in the dust.  What was once strong as steel is now not but rust.  We can keep on walking further, but I know it now.  The end is never coming.  So, I'll keep asking how.  How do I keep going when going means without?  How do I keep going in this endless drought.  I need a little rainfall to wash away the stick.  I need a little rainfall before this hell fully makes me sick.  There might be a tiny piece that still knows it's name.  There might be a tiny piece that wants to play the game.  Though, it doesn't matter because the rest of me is done.  Now all I'll have to do is turn my tail and run.  I no longer belong inside this place that you all stay.  So, I'll cut the safety rope and hope that in the darkness there's another way.  I'll slowly drift from sight as I wade into it all.  Keep looking straight ahead and counting to the fall

Though I know that feeling is a simple sham.

It covers up the lies that I tell myself.

It covers up the lies that I tell everyone else.

You never mattered.  You never really were...

Just a couple of murmurs inside the shaggy head.

Just a solemn eternity each day until I'm dead.

I said they were right about me, but I wasn't very clear.

What they were right about is that my mind is nowhere near.

It drifts along with you even when it shouldn't.

It showed me all the new paths, but I know I couldn't.

I still fall asleep gripping at your ghost.

It still bubbles anger when I feel it most.

Why do I feel this way?  Why won't it leave me be?

Why do I feel that you're the only one I see?

Even when the others show me a softer side...

I'm still piecing memories together from our ride.

Clawing skin and biting lips.  Mesmerize in the swaying hips.

Soft skin that leads the way to the me that cannot pay.

I can't buy the ticket so I shouldn't take the ride.

Though these fucking feelings inside me won't subside.

What do I do now that I forced you out?

What do I do now with all this repentant doubt?

Was it really all you or was is some of me?

Did I really tell it true or was I ashamed of what to be?

I don't think I care anymore what they'll think when I'm gone.

I just hope you're still there in my brand new dawn.

I hope when the world is gone away that my memory goes as well.

Living forever watching you walk away is my own personal hell.

I feel like a shadow that's still clinging to your wall.

I feel like the demon that is counting on your fall.

I just want you to be like me and wallow in despair.

I want to see your fingers course down through your curly hair.

I want to see the anguish to know that you feel it too.

That one that makes it hard to breathe with that someone new.

Feels like it's a lie that I had to take to keep my pride.

I wasn't aware that moment that the rest of me had died.

Living in that moment was all I think I can.

It was the only time that I felt like a man.

I carried your weight and mine too and I tried to remain at peace.

Though, now I know that it contributed to our cease.  

Where do I turn now that I've lost my best friend?

Sitting here and wishing earnestly that this all would end.