1. If you are too openminded your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all the other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun)
14. Men are from Earth... women are from Earth... deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist exchange places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you have saved for years and throw away three weeks before you needed it.
20. There is always one more imbecil than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize it when you do it again.
22. By the time you can finally make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weight more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically is a nice change to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you have never tried before.
26. "I LOVE YOU" is an eight letter phrase... then again so is "BULLSHIT"...
27. The square root of 69 is eight something.
28. Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
29. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
30. The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
31. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come real close.
32. Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
33. Is it possible to be totally partial?
34. The speed of time is one-second per second.
35. Is there another word for synonym?
36. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
37. A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
38. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
39. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
40. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
41. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
42. When they say 'nothing' is better than their product I figure they must know what they're talking about, so I always choose 'nothing'.
43. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
44. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
45. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.
46. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
47. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" The bitch hit me.
48. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
49. Single women cannot fart... they don't have an asshole until they are married...
50. It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
