Wolf's blog: "Random Crap"

As a lot of you know, I'm on my way to VA Beach in a few weeks, right after the New Year. This affords me the opportunity to finally get to play with the big boys on important issues, it lands me right by where I first lost my virginity, and puts me right on the beach in my off hours. Most importantly, it puts me near family. This will be the last Christmas I spend alone for awhile. I don't complain. I chose the life and am grateful for the opportunity to do what I do for you. On at least two occasions, I have spent Christmas Eve on a dry cot in the same room as 50 men I never met before, and one of them on a cold hard floor in a place I cannot identify for security purposes. In between, I was simply by myself. Sometimes I had a box to open that came in the mail or something. Usually its just checks in the mail. Somehow the bank always finds a way to throw me into the negative hundreds right around this time too, so I can't even send gifts back. I just become distant from my local world. I've received a lot of sad face messages from people who found out I am spending my 7th consecutive Christmas away from my family. The only way to reply to everyone and any future ones is to post this blog. My holiday spirit lives in each and every one of you. I spend these days alone so that you may spend them together, and not watching a family member get beheaded on the evening news. Enjoy your holidays with those you care about. Do it for me, because that's why I am doing what I am doing. Through your happiness I find my own. Smile, laugh, have fun, an sleep safe. Knowing you're out there and doing that because of efforts of those like me is way more than I need to be content. If that's not enough for some of you, keep in mind I will be able to see my family next year. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. All is secure on this front.

Trivia Challenge First the Trivia, then the Challenge: 1. My three trained hawks are fitted with pilot gear. They seem to like it. They get pissed when I take it off of them. 2. I've been literally accused of being a robot designed in a lab. 3. I once danced drunk for three hours to the same song. The song was "When Doves Cry" and I was, at the moment, misplaced in a gay club. 4. During a seance where we contact Abraham Lincoln, I fed him grammatical errors in his original Gettysburg address. 5. I stopped the great caterpillar infestation of Orlando back in '99 with nothing but a flute and a fresh pair of my own boxers. 6. I broke my leg kicking the remnants of the Berlin Wall. 7. LL Cool J signed my shoulder. It read, "Keep the pimpettes in check, playa. LL Cool J" 8. I slapped my grandma on a dare by my uncle. 9. I won a contest for consuming chicken nuggets at McDonald's. 10. I made wings out of rice paper and balsa wood and jumped off of my house. A physics major later determined that I did in fact glide ten feet before I crashed on my face. 11. I jumped out of a plane with no parachute and landed safely and unharmed on the ground. 12. I mooned former President Clinton at a Jazz Festival. 13. Elvis Presley predicted my birth during a news conference in which he was asked if he had any illegitimate children. He said, "No, but I think I'll claim a wolfboy in '79." 14. I bought an Xbox 360 just to shatter it in front of the unlimited lines of eager consumers. 15. I have won six awards for Amateur Poet of the Year through two different poet societies. Each time I approached the podium to accept the award, I tipped the DJ to play "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits for absolutely no reason but to be goofy, and made him start it randomly in the middle of the song. 16. I spit on the sidewalk in front of the Vatican and was chased for two hours by two crazy italians on scooters. 17. My image is permanently cast in a mold of mud, made in homage by aborigines in the deeper recesses of Australia, nearest town being Alice Springs. 18. I punched a bear while holding ice cream. Same hand, too! 19. I invented Cheez-its by throwing a cracker out of a window while taking a Chinook over Wisconsin. I never got credit. 20. I am the backwards voice on several Slipknot songs. Now the Challenge:A lot of these are ridiculous. A lot of them possible if you know me well enough, but if you're really good, you'll figure out which three are absolutely true. Send answers in private message. Don't ruin it for anyone by posting answers in comment. It'll be fun to try, and I'll send you a gift if you get them right. If you are wrong, I'll tell you how many were wrong, but not which ones. I hope you feel like playing! Got nothing to lose, right? Two tries with wrong answers and I'll tell you which ones are wrong.

When I say dumb idea, I mean a dumb idea that makes a million dollars. I think most of the ideas that have made the most money came from morons with a keen flash one night about how to make their own life just a little more convenient. They ended up influencing the world. I got this epiphany while drinking from a 2-quart bottle of V8. I'll get to that. On the weekends, I find myself drinking early, sleeping early, waking up early. I'm up at 3 a.m. and looking at these commercials that go on for an hour. Some guy invented some rotisserie cooker that also gets the mail. A box the size of a loaf of a bread that files your nails, does your taxes, dances to James Brown, and predicts the expiration date of milk. Sometimes it's just a pan that can also be a pot. Yeah it's cool, but no one gives a crap. They already have a pan, and they already have a pot. There's no need to spend 120 dollars on something that can be both when they spent 20 bucks to already have both and can use them at the same time. These guys go broke and die buying air time to advertise inventions that we just couldn't really give a shit about. Then some guy invents the pet rock. This guy picked up a garden rock and said, "I think I'll put this into a box and sell it." Then his friend said, "It's a rock, they're everywhere." Then the guy says, "What if we told people to name it?" A million dollars is born. Enter stage left, the glass of V8. I took a huge swig of it, and I love the taste of V8. Somehow though, I stopped and looked at the contents of my glass in a different light. The concept was so simple... so stupid. Campbell's Co. just went and took some vegetables and put them in a blender and served it in a cold glass. "Look! It tastes good! It's good for you! No matter how much you drink, it's only BETTER for you!" All they did was put 8 freaking vegetables in a blender! Anyone could have done it! Did we really need to wait for a company that had been sticking vegetables in pots for 50 years to figure it out? A guy folds a wire until it can hold a coat. Did he have any idea that he would revolutionize closets? I wish I could come up with something like this. Everything we have today and take for granted was once considered impossible. Do you know what that means? That means there's a theoretically infinite untapped resource of invention out there. We just can't see it because right now... it's unthinkable. Sometimes, even hindsight is not an ally. Would you EVER have thought that the guy who did the pet rock would have a gold toilet? We have a saying here among the military. A stupid idea that works is not a stupid idea. That's what I'm looking for. A stupid idea that works. You should, too.

There's always all sorts of sordid details involving those of us in the military. It's funny what you hear when you ask someone to describe a person in the military. They basically describe me, but who didn't see that coming? My mom knew I was destined the day I started watching G.I Joe. The fact is, the military has a much wider range. I see girls as small as 5'2 making their way and serving their time. They look so small it seems like you could pick them up and punt them. We come from everywhere. We come from all backgrounds. We are the largest and most diverse group of Americans you can imagine, but we are brought together by the fact that we are Americans. In a nutshell, that means we will kick your ass if you push the wrong button. The news can report whatever they want. I've been out there and I've seen why we're there and what we need to do. I myself have posted articles and facts that Hilary Clinton was forced to personally address in order to try and keep from eating her words. We found WMD's. They're all over the place. Scuds nestled in with contemporary missiles in containers. Mustard gas bombs buried underground, you name it. Her response was, "I didn't say you wouldn't find WMD's, I said you wouldn't find a nuclear plant producing them." These are bad people that mean us harm. I stood on the roof of 'The Swamp' at Balad AB, Iraq on 9/11/06, and watched the local village throw a party in the street like it's Independence Day. I looked a mother in the eye while she told me that she hoped to some day raise her son to be a great warrior to come and kill me. I don't mean me as an American. I mean me as in she wanted to raise her son to come and kill Special Operative Grade 1st Lieutenant Wolf 11971, commander of the Slayer Platoon, elite division of Task Force Scorpio. I have seen these people and I know what they say of you. I know of their desire to destroy you. I know that, without me and people like me, they would. These people would steal your children and behead them on live TV. I've watched the videos. I do what I do for you. I have always lived a life in purpose of service to the people. I love my country and I aim to make sure that each and every soul, within my power, is perfectly protected. To do so, I bring the fight to the source, rather than wait for them to fly another plane into a building of my brothers and sisters. As Shakespeare said, "For he who sheds his blood with me this day, he too shall be my brother." I honestly wish I could give more. I wish I could give you a brand new house. I wish I could pay your kids through college. I wish I could feed your family for years to come. I am not capable. I offer only my protection, and I offer my life. My name is Wolf 11971, and I want to say to you, sleep well tonight, and all nights, we'll cover you from here.

I've always lived by the theory that everything always works out. I've always kind of implied this simply to my own life and never really understood why. Every turn I take, things can be smooth or rough, but in the end, I come out on top. I didn't question it, nor did I worry. I just assumed that if rough stuff came my way, I'd be smiling in the end. This still, to the day, rings true. I got my most extreme test a few months ago. My girlfriend at the time, we'll call her ex from here on out, took me for a ride. The problem with insecure bipolar women is that they look just like everyone else. She started fights every 4 days or so which no man could ever see coming, and I slowly met my breaking point. When that point was met, I fought back, and apparently this is what she was waiting for. Arguments led to shouts, shouts led to screams, and screams led to property damage and police. The incident itself is inconsequential to this rant, so we will focus on the aftermath. She started by lying to the police officers, and basically what she told them is that she was sitting there reading the Bible when I suddenly went completely ape and started screaming and destroying things. She tried to include the destruction of my own stuff in this story but they didn't buy it. However, the next morning, she found a police officer who was notorious for being of little more use than a hole in a submarine, and constantly made bad decisions. Today's bad decision was that he would believe her story to the syllable and help her get even. Thus, by the end of his stretch of influence, she had contacts for everyone in my entire chain of command, and she called every one of them trying to grant herself an audience where she could explain what a terrible person I was. This is not to include the fact that she also lied to the municipal court and said I beat her up, filed false allegations of assault, stole money from two of my bank accounts, posted her version of the story on the net, and moved to Grand Prairie with just about everything I owned in her possession. That's the quick summary. This was the first and last time I've ever worried that maybe once it wouldn't go my way. I thought, after the DA decided she had a case from her trumped evidence, after she split town, and with the asshole cop on her side, that she would be the one to bring me down. I was wrong. In the aftermath of the aftermath, the military did nothing with her rants, and the DA threw the case out. As for the stuff she left with, my family and friends knew better than to think I was even remotely capable of the crap she was making up, and they pulled together and I received thousands of dollars. All of my stuff was replaced with even better stuff. No more classified section hand-me-downs. The people on the internet didn't believe her, but that's a minor victory because I don't even know them. Mostly, I'm glad she's gone now. This whole explanation goes back to my original statement. Everything always works out. Well, since then, I've realized that there is more to that statement. I've always had the idea but was never really convinced that it was so specific, but now I am. Everything always works out for good people. I've always aimed at the general good. I can be selfish like anyone else, but I am hopelessly always considering other people's comfort or mood. I don't lie, and I give without expecting return. I do this because it makes me feel good to do so. This is what separates me from the ex. She looks out only for herself, and has a filthy soul. She would do the things she tried to do to me because its in her nature as a bad person. Often times she would question me, ask why I was so fortunate and she was not... well... if she were to ask me again, I would have the answer. Do good, and be good. Do things for other people that bear no repayment. Through the course of your life, you will be rewarded. I don't know how I could be more living proof.

Random Thoughts Category: Blogging Comedians should be in charge of everything. They're real people, not politicians. They are the only people in the world that speak the truth without fear of consequence, because everyone just laughs. What if they were required to listen instead of laugh? Celebrities should be banned from speaking their personal opinion about anything. I always wanted a house-trained pet owl. Feeding time would be gross with company around, but imagine the factor strength of it as a conversation piece! Your purpose in life is to eat, grow, respond to stimulation, reproduce, and die. Remove one of these things, and you are less of a life than you were tasked to be. Imagine a plant. A plant is life. Does a plant really give a shit if it is happy or ask why it's there? Marilyn Manson is considered one of the greatest entrepeneurs in the history of american consumer markets. Traditional Christians hate his ass with a passion. I don't think these are unrelated. One of the fanciest quotes used to denounce evolutionists is that "Humans are the only species that refuse to be what they truly are". Well, the reverse can also be true if you replace Humans with Monkeys in that quote. You can effectively kill any human being by any means of any material thing on this planet. Sometimes you have to be creative, but it's always possible. They say death and taxes are the two things that can't be avoided. I hung out with a bum I called Snoopy (with his consent) for months. He never paid taxes. Work unions can be as bad as they are good. Sometimes the boss is the bad guy, but sometimes a group of people think they can join together and get more than they deserve by uniting. Civil court should have no lawyers. Every trial comes down to the more proper savvy disposition, but lawyers are more capable of setting precedents in frivolous cases just so they can get their 30%. Imagine Judge Judy with lawyers. The fifth amendment is a sack of shit. I am totally for innocent until proven guilty, but that amendment ONLY helps the guilty. "You are innocent until proven guilty, and therefore we'll award the guilty certain tools to make sure they look innocent." Natural Born Killlers is actually a love story. Watch it again with that knowledge. Truth.com is paid in the millions by the tobacco companies themselves. They also lie. These two things should not keep you from staying off tobacco, but don't think those motherfuckers are all righteous. They'd be out of a job if they ever "got their way". They want you to smoke. The longest red light can't be more than 4 minutes long. People run them so they don't have to wait. The doctor's assistant tells them to have a seat and wait up to 30 minutes. Those same people don't suddenly charge into the doctor's office and start describing their issues.

1) If the light is yellow, and within visible range, speed up. 2) If the person in front of you runs a red light, you must follow him through it. 3) Yield signs mean stop. 4) In order to merge on the highway, you must be doing at least 15mph under the posted speed limit. 5) If you miss your exit, brake frequently and, if you choose, drive through the grass median. 6) If you hit someone, make sure your story indicates no fault of yours. 7) Do not use turn signals. Ever. 8) Tap your brakes constantly. If anything, just to keep the driver behind you alert. 9) If anything out of the ordinary happens, reduce speed to 5mph, regardless of circumstances. 10) If cell phone rings, reduce speed to 10mph 11) If you do not have insurance, drive 20mph under any posted limit... so not to draw attention to yourself. 12) The merge lane in front of you does not matter. If you wish to merge, make a complete stop until no cars are passing. 13) If you feel you are going fast, the fast lane is where you should be, regardless of other drivers or posted speed limit. 14) If you drive a truck, do not ever check your mirrors. If the other driver was in the way when you changed lanes, he should have known better. 15) If you decide to challenge oncoming traffic, make sure you tell the police that they deliberately aimed their car at you. This may help the lawsuit. 16) If an ambulance on call is approaching, wait until they are within 50 feet before turning in front of them. 17) When in doubt, make a complete stop. It does not matter if you are on the highway in front of a rig doing 70mph, or even if you have a car. 18) If you are driving a truck and see someone stopping in the road, whether in a car or not, hit your horn twice and keep driving. 19) The safest place to be is in the blind spot of another car. Stay where they can't see you and match their speed even if it changes. Follow these rules and you will blend right in. Welcome to Hell!