> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
>
>
> -- Mark Twain
>
>
> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
>
>
> -- George Burns
>
>
> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
>
>
> - Victor Borge
>
>
> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
>
>
> -- Mark Twain
>
>
> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>
>
> -- Socrates
>
>
> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>
>
> -- Groucho Marx
>
>
> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech Every now and then she stops to breathe.
>
>
> -- Jimmy Durante
>
>
> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
>
>
> -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
>
>
> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
>
>
> -- Alex Levine
>
>
> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
>
>
> - Rodney Dangerfield
>
>
> Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
>
>
> -- Spike Milligan
>
>
> I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
>
>
> -- Mark Twain
>
>
> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
>
>
> -- Joe Namath
>
>
> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap.
>
>
> - Bob Hope
>
>
> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
>
>
> -- W.C. Fields
>
>
> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
>
>
> -- Will Rogers
>
>
> Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
>
>
> -- Winston Churchill
>
>
> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
>
>
> -- Phyllis Diller
>
>
> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere
>
>
> -anonymous
