My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
I think I mentioned I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though.
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collector's and miss.
I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.
The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Anorexia is just another word for nothing left to lose.
Girls have got balls. They're just a little higher up that's all.
"Delivery" is the wrong word to describe the childbearing process. Delivery is: "Here's your pizza. Takes 30 minutes or less." "Exorcism," I think, is more apt: "Please! Get the hell out of my body!"
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -- just an occasional sun visor.
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.
A diet is a system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.
The 1960's were when hallucinogenic drugs were really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
The phone went in the house and I answered it and this voice said, 'Hello, how would you like a dirty weekend in Paris?' And then there was a silence and the voice said, 'I'm sorry. Have I shocked you?' And I said, 'God no - I was just packing'.
I only date stewardesses. Or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits.
I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
