Well... It has been like 3 weeks or so since John left on his WestPac Deployment. As much as he and I can seemingly live apart from one another for periods of time ranging from a month to 3 months, and have things go perfectly fine; the minute he gets on the ship to do these things he does for work for an elongated period of time, is the minute all hell breaks loose here, for me.
Every person I surrounded myself with as an emotional support mechanism, caved. Amazing how when John is home and he is the one being my confidant that I never realized how weak my support mechanism was. Its been rather devastating to one by one peel away the people I called "friend" because of their inability to be honest with me.... their inability to find time in the day even to text message me once in a blue moon to stay in touch, their inability to come forward with the fact that they just dont have time to be in my life any longer but somehow want to remain attached to me virtually. I have chatted online for 22 years now in some shape form or fashion ("mudding", IRC, ICQ, AOL, Yahoo, etc.) and while it fills some need for interaction, VIRTUAL means of connecting with people has never been my first choice. I have settled for it, but otherwise, I definitely prefer real interactions with people, real connections, real chemistry and real emotions.
So... Here I am going into Week 4 and Im alone. Its somewhat perplexing because I spend a majority of my time alone. Im not usually impacted by the fact that I am alone alot of the time. Im independent. I handle most of running both of our homes, alone. I go out alone, I have dinner out alone, and so forth. It usually isnt an issue. What makes this instance different than all the other instances? I am not sure. I am muddling through it as I ache to identify what it is that is causing this. Id love to make new friends. Id love to meet some new people. I have been spending alot more time here in SoCal versus being in Chicago like last year and so Id like to have some fun here locally. I am missing my friends in Chicago and might have to make a trip back in order to get my bearings.
This isolation, is smothering my soul. Like a flower without the sun, it closes up and you think its just going to be that way forever. Never opening up.
To the one person in my life that I really want to be around; I hope you come around and open up to me again. I really need to know whats going on with you and us and whomever else. One less thing to stress I guess, or one more thing to put aside and lock away as a lesson learned.
*kttn*
