ladyvelvet's blog: "Domina of Discipline and Dark Desire"

There are times when I truly feel that there is a point in time when things are relative. This being definitely one of them. A friend of mine constantly states: "Perception is reality to those who perceive it." Couldn't be more truthful. So this morning as I was reading and doing some research the age old questions was approached: IS Phone Sex or Cyber Sex the same as cheating? Truthfully, I can't answer that for everyone. For me, no, it's not. But in truth, the idea that it is cheating is a very real problem for many couples as the internet makes it easier to anonymously access and feed their fetishes. Some may see this behavior as a way of feeding sexual addiction, but at the same time, you have to see things on the realm that what he is doing is safe, secure and healthy. For instance, if he were to identify that he had had a real time encounter, my biggest concern would be regarding the disease factor. At least over the internet, and over a phone, you KNOW that he is being careful about disease and considering your safety and factor as well. Second, sometimes men (and I know this because I am a real time Domme and phone sex operator in the business for 10+ years) need an outlet that is more than what they feel comfortable with telling someone they love. For instance, maybe he has a fantasy regarding Dominating a woman or even submitting to one, where they feel the activities are too extreme to follow through in real life but will 'explode' if they don't have some kind of outlet. The only way to overcome this ideal is to open up and possibly have some of those taboo discussions with him/her in order to open the gates to more honesty and unreserved conversations. It is completely natural to have these fantasies, and only some will act on them. Some, in turn, feel that the only way to indulge is to do so online or over a phone. Either way, it is a conversation that they are probably having difficulties addressing with you, OR have tried to and found it too un-fulfilling because their partner is not willing to even address it. On the flip side, Dominating men struggle with the ethical ideal of having that sadistic side to them and know or feel that it is inappropriate to indulge in those tendencies. The ONLY time I feel it is appropriate in a real time environment is when the adults involved are consensual and ONLY then. I do not condone abuse nor do I support it whether it be mental, physical or emotional. However, if done correctly, these types of relationships are the most intense, loving and secure relationships than any 'normal' (by society standards) I have ever seen, basing it on a 100% honesty and trust and communication. Addicts are those who have a tendency to show the following signs:

1. Their addiction is costing them more than they can spend. Whether it be financially, time, or even emotional standing, it does begin to affect all three severely.
2. Addicts will risk ANYTHING to feed their addiction, including health, career, education and all types of relationships;
3. Addicts typically are insistent on feeding their addiction more and more. Meaning that if they started online and after years are just indulging online or over the phone more than likely they will not pursue something in real time. Addicts are normally not content with just online or phone materials to feed their addiction.

Remember, the safety that they feel they have with the World Wide Web or just a phone call is real. They can anonymously confess, enact or just plain have an ear that will listen safely and securely. Don't judge to harshly what your boyfriend (and what Gillian) is doing. Their might be something lacking (or not) in their lives that they are too embarrassed to convey to their partners. If that is the case, then open the gate for him. Give him just a bit of tolerance and see if you can't be the focus of his fantasies by doing so. I am not saying accept their behavior as ultimately you have to do what is right for you. 10 years ago if you had asked me if I would be doing this, I too would baulked at the idea, but since then, I do feel I have not offered a service to those who need a safe way to express themselves, but I have found that become an open minded individual and non-judgmental about people's taboos (unless it involves innocence of children and animals) has made my life less stressful and I continue to learn a great deal about people, life and human nature. As a quick note: If you are craving what you need and online is enough, great, however, if it is not, PLEASE be sure that you find a local group and mentoring situation that makes your search a safe, sane and consensual one. There are far too many predators out there. Here are some Community resources that might be of interest to you: http://www.pakratpress.com/sinergy/comunity/groups.htm http://www.fetbot.com/Links/Lifestyle/Organizations/ http://www.the-crucible.com/groups.htm I am sure that there are many more good resources out there, so please feel free to send me your resource so I can ad it to my ever growing list of SSC/RACK links. Lady Velvet Noir For more information on me, please visit me at www.LadyVelvetNoir.com