The Captain DSP Drunken Space Pirate's blog: "Phoenix's Inferno!"

Scene opens at some sort of nightclub / bar in space.

(Ari) “I don’t think this is a space diner. There playing metal and . . . There’s blood on the dance floor!”

(Me) “Why does this place seem familiar?”

A woman with long very red hair and very large breasts pulls a gun on a group of patrons and demands they pay their bill.

(Me) “Deadchick!”

(SLDC) “Hey Cap.” *smiles and walks away with a fist full of cash*

(Ari) “You know her?”

Everyone in the club suddenly notices the Captain and yells “CAP!”

(Me) *waves at everyone* “Holy shit! It’s Purgatory Dance Party, I know just about everyone in here.”

(Sibene) “I thought we were going to a space diner for the experience? How did we end up here without you knowing where we were?”

(Me) “I have no idea, i;m usually drunk when i come here, but dont worry about that, just trust me this will be way more fun than a space diner.”

(Ari) “Are those zombies in a holding pen?”

(Me) “I don’t know, probably.”

(Ari) “Probably? . . . Does Ravena hang out here?”

(Me) “Yeah right, she’d kill everyone here just to make sure.”

(Glitter) *another large breasted women only with pink hair* “Just to make sure what?”

(Me) “That you’re not all undead.”

(Glitter) “Oh right, Ravena, the space vampire chick that works for you.”

(Ari) “Captain who’s this? And who’s Deadchick?”

(Me) “This is Glitter, her and the Deadchick run the place. We just call her SLDC, she likes to be anonymous to the noobs. Glitter this is Ari.”

(Glitter) “Hello Ari, aren’t you cute with your little skulls and pigtails. You’ll fit right in here, Come on I’ll show you around. SLDC! Come meet Cap’s little friend!” *walks off with Ari*

(Sibene) “Are you sure letting her go off with her is such a good idea?”

(Me) “All these people are my homies, she’s safer here than she is at a pedophile clown convention in a power plant.”

(Sibene) “Ah, I see...”

(Me) “I should find Andrea, I think I owe her a lap dance.”

(Sibene) “What?”

(Me) “. . . Nothing...”

(Ari) *yelling across the bar* “Look Captain, its Amish Jesus!”

(Me) *yells back* “Kilgor!” *wanders off into the crowd*

(Sibene) “. . . This is the strangest place I’ve ever been in.”

(Dreadlockula) “You seen my corncob?”

(Sibene) “. . .”

Scene fades into the epic debauchery that is the Purgatory Dance Party...

Phoenix’s T’was the night before X-Mass! ( 2003 ) T’was the night before x-mass and all though my house. It was damn f-in quiet, cuz I killed that damn mouse! No stalking were hung by the chimney with cheer Cuz we don’t have a fire place, Fuck I need a BEER! The children where nestled all snug in their beds, Which is good because if they weren’t I’d be bustin some heads. Mom sipping brandy and Dad drinking jack Were just getting ready to hop in the sack *shudders* When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter And a fat man ran past the window, to empty his bladder Wasn’t hard to figure when the fat man ran past I opened up the door in time to see Santa scratching his ass No need for formalities as Santa looked back, “Hey what’s crackin Phoenix!” And he handed me a half rack. I said, “Come on in ya fat bastard, have yourself a snack” “Don’t mind if I do, just watch the wise cracks.” Then with his eyes twinkling I heard the man say “Holy fuck that’s a whole lot of guitars to play” He slung one over his shoulder and started playing hells bells The kids all got up and the sound gave them chills. The cords that he played weren’t exactly all merry He rocked out for hours while singing like Ozzy! He took a long break for cookies and beer And handed out presents without the holiday cheer. “I’m sorry kids I got a little off track” “Been working all night and I need to kick back” “So head off to bed so I can finish my rout” “And maybe I’ll leave something else for the morning if the bag’s not all tapped out.” To bed the kids went in a marvelous scramble. While Santa and I just sat back and rambled. “How was the trip, Get stuck in much snow?” “Hell yeah I did, visiting all those naughty girls I know.” Cracked open a fresh one as we sat back and reminisced Until he looked at the clock and became quite pissed. “I keep forgetting how long this damn job takes” “Wouldn’t believe how much I have to deliver that those damn elves make.” So he staggered outside and up to his sled. “Good thing the reindeer do the driving” I said He laughed as he took to the air and flew out of sight “MERRY X-MASS YOU FUCKER, I’LL BE BACK ON POKER NIGHT!”