Phoenix’s T’was the night before X-Mass! ( 2003 )
T’was the night before x-mass and all though my house.
It was damn f-in quiet, cuz I killed that damn mouse!
No stalking were hung by the chimney with cheer
Cuz we don’t have a fire place, Fuck I need a BEER!
The children where nestled all snug in their beds,
Which is good because if they weren’t I’d be bustin some heads.
Mom sipping brandy and Dad drinking jack
Were just getting ready to hop in the sack *shudders*
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
And a fat man ran past the window, to empty his bladder
Wasn’t hard to figure when the fat man ran past
I opened up the door in time to see Santa scratching his ass
No need for formalities as Santa looked back,
“Hey what’s crackin Phoenix!” And he handed me a half rack.
I said, “Come on in ya fat bastard, have yourself a snack”
“Don’t mind if I do, just watch the wise cracks.”
Then with his eyes twinkling I heard the man say
“Holy fuck that’s a
whole lot of guitars to play”
He slung one over his shoulder and started playing hells bells
The kids all got up and the sound gave them chills.
The cords that he played weren’t exactly all merry
He rocked out for hours while singing like Ozzy!
He took a long break for cookies and beer
And handed out presents without the holiday cheer.
“I’m sorry kids I got a little off track”
“Been working all night and I need to kick back”
“So head off to bed so I can finish my rout”
“And maybe I’ll leave something else for the morning if the bag’s not all tapped out.”
To bed the kids went in a marvelous scramble.
While Santa and I just sat back and rambled.
“How was the trip, Get stuck in much snow?”
“Hell yeah I did, visiting all those naughty girls I know.”
Cracked open a fresh one as we sat back and reminisced
Until he looked at the clock and became quite pissed.
“I keep forgetting how long this damn job takes”
“Wouldn’t believe how much I have to deliver that those damn elves make.”
So he staggered outside and up to his sled.
“Good thing the reindeer do the driving” I said
He laughed as he took to the air and flew out of sight
“MERRY X-MASS YOU FUCKER, I’LL BE BACK ON POKER NIGHT!”
