This morning I was woken by my best friend, calling about a man we both worked with. He has Stage IV cancer and he underwent surgery to remove his tumor yesterday. Overnight he had to MIs and is in a coma. He is not expected to make it. His cancer was detected late...only a couple of months ago. He is a good man with a good family. And I cried, and I prayed.
Just now I read about a sweet little baby girl named Breanna, who passed away today. Her mother and grandmother are both members of Fubar and I reposted the bulletin requesting support for the family. I have never known a child that I've lost so I can't fully grasp the pain that Breanna's mom and grandmom are going through. But I do feel their pain, and I prayed.
My mother called me this afternoon to announce that her divorce from my mentally, emotionally and physically abusive stepfather was finalized. She called to celebrate the end of an era of pain, self-doubt, and dispair. We shared, and I prayed. That prayer was in thanks that former prayers for my mother's protection and happiness were answered.
I have a friend who is very sick and on disability. She has lost her job, her independence, her ability to leave the house, and most of her friends...and many in her family...due to ignorance and fear (theirs, not hers.) She has kept her intelligence and her strength. I used to take care of her, through company, support and finances. The only thing I have left to offer her is my friendship. I have no money...nothing material to aid her. I can't even afford to drive her like I used to. But yesterday, in an email, she reminded me that we were friends. I think of her, daily, and I pray.
I think of another close friend who is travelling with his wife and new baby to Indonesia so that his son might meet the other half of his family. And I think of the plane crashes and the earthquakes and the turmoil, and I pray.
I pray for another member on this site who recently lost a granddaughter. I pray for a member on this site who lost his grandmother, a woman who practically raised him. I pray for yet another member on this site who suffers from CP and is frustrated by his limitations...some of which he creates himself. I pray for a woman on here who became very close to me who recently moved to GA and is starting a new life and another woman on here who has been a wonderful source of support for me, even while going through her own troubles. I feel blessed, and I pray.
I pray nightly for all those men and women in uniform: soldier, ops, police, fire, EMT and paramedic, ranger, doctor/nurse/caretaker/healer, warden, and trash collector (and all else in between). The type of uniform matters but the heart of it is service to others, country, love and God...a faith all of its own. I think and I hope and I pray.
You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )
You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)
A friend sent me a chart...part of what you see here. And I refer to this chart instead of the Bible...it has been too long since I've read it. And in this chart I try to find a measure of peace and strength. I am touched by the faith my friends and family have in me and my "direct line to God" (as my best friend said to me this morning.) But that same faith scares me because while I always pray for others I rarely pray for myself. The few times that I have, my prayers have been answered. But I'm afraid I don't understand the signs that may be sent my way in answer to my most recent prayers. I am on the verge of losing everything: my home, my mind, my inner strength, my credit...but not my faith. I know that it is "Not for me to understand, but to accept without reservation." But I'm scared. And I'm weak. And I'm in pain.
I'm thrilled that the prayers I send up for others are answered. And I embrace the peace I feel when I pray. Prayer brings me closer to loved ones I have lost and to God. But I've always been too pragmatic for organized religion and I worry how I will survive. I have no doubt that I will, but significant doubt as to whether survival is enough. Even if whether faith and survival are enough.
So I write this to purge, to grieve, to cry and yes, to pray.
Thank you to those who've taken the time, and have the heart, to read my ramblings. Be blessed and be well.
