Idk how it actually happened, but somehow or another I became attached to someone that I don't see. Pictures online, phone calls throughout the day, and words on a screen are all I have to go on.... but somehow in the mix of this crazy cyber-world, I got attached. I found solace in the words on the screen, peace in the voice I heard on the phone, and some kind of comfort in looking into the eyes that were posted in the pixels on my computer. I am not really sure how we can make such a bond without any type of physical meeting. I don't understand how this "fake" version of life manages to somehow sweep over into the real one. What I do know, is I met someone that managed to fit every single criteria on my list (yes, I have a list of what I want in a man...) save for the ones that actually required meeting the people in my REAL life face to face. This attachment grew to the point that we could complete one another's sentences. He could see my face on cam and somehow had at least a good idea what I was thinking. Yes, I know emotions show on most people's faces... and yes, I know that my face reads like a book, but still... I mean, he really knows me. Meeting was discussed. We really aren't that far apart, the only thing stopping us was basically work schedules. So the first day we were supposed to meet was less than 24 hours away... Low and behold, a message from work for him. Of course, something had to come up to stop this glorious meeting that had been planned for so long. He couldn't come. Work decided he had to go for some type of special meeting with the boss.. *sigh* ah, life.. it happens. I was okay with this. He calls after he gets back. Now he has a call waiting from his dr. Something in lab work that was done. I'm worried. He's had issues with his heart before. What do they have to tell him? Hours go by, and finally he calls. Bad news... what? He won't tell me. I understand, you don't want to talk about it right now. I can respect wanting to get bad news straight in your head. I'm a reasonable kind of girl. I get my kids home. Deal with the supper issues. Finally have time to sit down in front of my computer. He logs on. We talk. He still doesn't want to tell me. But thru a series of what if's and possibilities and not possibilities we finally get to the bottom of it. How do you deal, when you find that this person you've pined over for so long, this bearer of heart and soul on a screen, this man who FINALLY meets all the criteria on the list.. the infamous list... has a disease that causes him to not be able to be a part of your life? He is too honest, too noble, too protective, too chivalrous, to even take the chance of infecting me. That is to be commended. Especially since the woman he will NEVER be able to forget didn't feel the need to tell him she was positive since 2001. What a selfish piece of shit! That's all I can say. I'm shocked, I'm crushed, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm a million different emotions all rolled into one. I want to be comforting. To be the sane one with the right answers. I want to hold him to me and tell him it's not for sure, wait til the second test comes back. But for what? What is the point. Days will go by, and he will pull farther and farther away from me. I feel it coming. He doesn't want to hurt me. Can't be with me. He asks... is what we have now, words on a screen, phone calls thru the day, is it enough? 50 days or 50 years.. one day at a time... that's what we agreed. So, I guess I'll just have to take this as another bump on another day that I choose to stick around.....
