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..as most of u kno, im losing someone whom i love as easily as i breathe. my husband's papa is finally losing his battle with cancer. the fact that he's going to die is heavy, and it hurts like hell, but the dying..the fading away.. THATS what troubles me so much that im literally fucking rattled.
..ive been in love with this man my entire fucking life. truly. he was my hero when i was a kid cos he could pull quarters from behind my ear and cos he could blow perfect smoke rings. he was my hero when i was a teenager cos he could roll a joint with one hand, in an almost slow-motion finger snap movement. he was my hero on my 16th birthday when he turned to my mays and said, 'boy, if u dont grow up and marry this girl, u're a goodamn dumbass and im done with u'. lol. he was my hero on my wedding day when he slipped a grand in my hand and said, 'this is yours.. to do with as u want'. it paid for so our honeymoon. he was my hero 7 yrs later when i called him, bawling, to tell him i was pregnant and scared to death.. he said, 'there will never be a mama on this fucking earth better than u'. he was my hero when he held my veda, not even an hour after she was born, and said (crying) 'i will never love another girl in this world the way i love this little baby right here'.
..in the past 2 weeks, we have headed further down th road of death and humility and pain and fear than we ever have in this journey. this man, who is the epitome of pride; bent and broken. this boozing, whoring, foul mouthed, gambling, giant of a man.. withered and humiliated.. looking thru me for days after i had to wipe his ass.. furious with me because i unloaded his lil snub nose .38 special and took it away from him.. like he was a goddamn child whom i felt deserved no cake.
..now im struggling with th gun situation.. i had no right.. fuck, i dont know what im even trying to say here. i dont want to subject my friends to this.. and i cant handle the backlash and the freak outs that would befall him if i tell anyone in the family. fuck! so im blogging like a goddamn weirdo.
..i feel better, a little, i think.. maybe.. for a while. thank you if u've read this far. forgive my mood of late.. its dark in here. i'll make it through. b patient. love and lix. -mel
