I woke up about 15 minutes ago. I was lying there.... thinking as always. This is why i never get sleep... I think too damned much.... And of course the usual stuff floated into my head. It started w/ Derek... and the situation with him.... and how I was planning this email I was going to send to him... and then it made me think about everything going on.... and then led me to thinking about Lindon.... and I just had this.... i don't know what to call it... fucking light bulb, click on in my head.... I can't change how someone feels.... Now that MAY not sound like something that people wake up after 2 hours of sleep about.... BUT IN MY WORLD IT IS!!! I have spent SO much of my life trying to change how people feel... my grandma.... my grandpa... my brother... lindon.... derek.... and somehow, for some reason this morning... it dawns on me... i can't change how they feel... nothing i can say can change it.... I can say shit maybe to influence it.... or to give them other things to think about or consider.... but I cannot change how someone feels.... Why i didn't learn this years ago.... I'll never know.... Why it took this long... again, I'll never know. I'm sitting here, in this, state of confusion... I have spent so long trying to change people... and i can't figure out why i never thought of this before... I mean, how is it something that simple has escaped me for so many years?!?!
And another thought I had... while thinking.... you know, if Lindon came up to me, right now, and asked me to be with him... I couldn't.... I never can be.... I would hate him so much for all the shit that has gone on over the past few years.... I would resent him for the lexi comment.... I couldn't do it... I have spent years chasing after him.... and last summer when it all sank in... I of course always had this hope.... but in realizing this whole, I can't change people stuff... I can't change how I feel either... and I hate him for the pain he's caused me... yes, a lot of I brought upon myself... but he had his share in shit too....
Every year for the past 14 years.... i have felt the same shit... this has been a horrible month for me... I feel abandoned... I feel scared.... I'm hurt... I'm confused.... and I miss my mommy.... FOr being 8 years old.... losing my mother was devestating to me. She was my world. I spent every waking moment w/ my mom.... well, when i wasn't in school and stuff.... she was home a lot cuz she was sick, so i saw her all the time.... her and i were SO close.... SHe made the mistake of promising me she'd come home.... She never did.... she left me w/ my grandparents.... a hell in it's own rite.... but i can't help but hate her for leaving me... for abandoning me.... I was only 8... and i had no one.... when my mom died, my grandparents emotionally abandoned me.... my dad did when i was little... maybe not by his own choice, but it happened.... all of my life, people have abandoned me.... it's caused this fear of abandonment.... And this month is the worst for me.... I will be close to people... and somehow, someway try to push them away... I don't mean to... I don't try to.... but it's like, Post Traumatic Stress bullshit.... I subconciously do things that I normally wouldn't.... to hurt other people, to push them away.... and oh my god... it works.... ask derek. ask jane. I can't explain why... well, i can.... but I can't... I do the same shit every year. I get to this point I don't want people close to me.... fear.... I do something to push people away.... I never can explaing it completely... As each year progresses I learn more of what I'm doing, and to notice it gives me the ability to change it... I've lost a lot of friendships in the month of april.... a lot of boyfriends.... and each year hurt some relationships a little more... How it is Tiffany and my relationship has endured this each year, I'll never know. I'm hurt, I'm scared... I'm needy as hell.... but I don't let anyone know I need them.... for fear they'll abandon me... for fear they'll leave.... so before they have the chance to leave me I push them away.... and I don't want to... but i just, do... How do you change something like that? How do you finally just say, I can't lose anyone else, I have to stop this shit.? When you can identify the problem, it's easier to solve.... But how to solve this? I've got to start somewhere... and do something.... I've lost Derek. We talk still. But, I learned from the Lindon shit, talking doesn't mean a thing.... it's easy to hurt someone, it's not easy for them to forgive you.... thats the original reason why Lindon wouldn't give me a second chance, he couldn't forgive me.... for pushing him away, for hurting him.... because i did.... i hurt him badly.... and he couldn't forgive me... so i obsessed over ways to get him to forgive me... i tried to tell him so many times how sorry I was.... I tried to get him to see that I loved him, and I would do anything in the world for him.... I think had I gotten my second chance with him, I would have worked as hard as I could to keep him.... sure we would have fought, but I would have taken the time to make sure I didn't fuck up again.... losing someone makes you realize how important they truly are to you.... because you realize you don't want to live life with out them. But getting them back is never easy. It's usually impossible. And as I sit and think of all the things I could have, or just, could, say to Derek... I realize, nothing I can say can change how he feels.... It's like Lindon all over again, except, with it's obvious major differences... but the same situation.... I fucked up.... I want them back... they're pissed at me... and it's this battle i create to try to get them to forgive me.... I can't fight to make someone feel differently.... I know that after what Lindon said to me, there is nothing he can say to change how I feel.... and putting that with everything else, it's something I could never get over, and I would carry with me through out a relationship.... and possibily ruin it. Forgiveness is not something easily obtained. If someone can truly forgive someone for shit they do.... they're a lot stronger than most people. It's easy to say it.... it's not as easy to do... Even with Derek, I'm still hurt over all the other bullshit.... the freaking out about having had sex w/ me.... the 3 or 4 times he stopped talking to me, for, whatever reasons... I scared him... big shock huh~ i've learned I am not an easy person to accept.... the lying.... he wuold tell jane one thing, tell me something completely different, her and i would talk, and be like WTF?!? I think the lying thing was where my trust issues began w/ him.... it's hard for me to ever TRUST anyone.... given my life, i'm not surprised... people have to earn trust.... once they earn it I would trust them with everything.... and it's always something small that makes or breaks the trust issue... whats crazy, i TRUST jane.... despite how my "text" made HER think otherwise, I TRUST her.... Derek... it's hard for me to trust him.... because he was lying to me and jane... about stupid little small shit... i mean it was crazy.... ehr and i both were getting different stories on so many things.... i think thats where it all started... my trust issue w/ him... of course, it's something easily fixed, because it wasn't like a HUGE deal.... and i was beginning to gain trust in him... although me sending that message truly had nothing to do w/ trust... it was more of a bunch of "internal" struggles with my life basically.... I was scared... and i needed him.... and he wasn't there.... not by his own fault bcause i didn't tell him i needed him.... i told him to go over there.... and what killed me is he told me he wouldn't have gone had i told him not to.... i was like, holy shit... of course, this was like after the fact of all the other bullshit i caused.... because i just, needed him... jane said she would have understood... had i explained it.... but rather than being rational, and explaining shit... i just acted stupid.... and it's caused this huge ordeal.... and i regret it... a lot. I'm not sure if Jane will ever forgive me for it... she said she's over it... but being a chick, i know thats not always the case when we say that.... And Derek, I don't know if he ever will or not either... And I can't change it. I also can't sit and torture myself over it. I have to accept it. That will be the hard part. I have to just accept the fact that he may never forgive me. I'm a control freak... and i can't control this... and I have to accept it... I've accepted the issue w/ Lindon... 4 fucking years later.... i've accepted it... I'm not sure how long it will take me to accept this w/ Derek. I care so much about him. I want him in my life... not just as my friend... as my boyfriend.... (how highschool does that sound? *lol*) But, I maye very well have ruined any chance I'll ever have because of my actions sunday/monday. And I can't change it. I can't change how he feels about it.... I can't change the fact that I did it... and I can't make anything happen... I learned that w/ Lindon... you can't make people Love you.... But it's hard to just "give up" on something you want. So, it's just a matter of waiting... to see what happens i guess.... i can't change anything. I've said my peace. If he can't forgive me, there's nothing I can do. And even if he can forgive me that doesn't mean he'll ever want to be in a relationship w/ me again. I fucked that one up in less than 24 hours. And the sad thing... I can't remember the last time I was so happy w/ a man as I was this past weekend.... and all it took was one moment of just not thinking to ruin that for me. I always said the reason why men i liked, dated, whatever couldn't compare to Lindon was because when Lindon held me, I felt safe, I felt secure, I felt happy... comfortable... I had never felt that with any other man until Derek. And he held me, and i wanted to stay right there forever. I was happy. I felt safe comfortable secure, like, everything in the world was ok, because, he was holding me... because i had him there, with me... And i screwed it all up....
It's 11.... i should be sleeping... i've been writing this blog for like, half an hour.... I just couldn't stop thinking about this... I knew if i didn't journal I would never sleep.... I've said what i'm thinking.... hopefully i'll sleep now... and wake up in 3 hours to do my homework! YAY.....
