Ruthie aka Lil Ms Sunshine's blog: "Numb"

So life has taken so many changes for me. I thought my ex and I could agree on some things about him having temp custody of our son, when he draws up papers saying he gets total custody, which is not what I agreed to. He thinks he's gettin the best of me and screwing me over and I have news for him, it's not going to happen. If my car isn't fixed or it's totaled out I'm going to have to quit my job, cuz I won't have transportation. If that happens then I know for sure I won't be able to get into the Navy now. I just wish I knew what to do.

Am I a bad mom if I have to let my ex husband have temporary custody because right now I'm struggling so much finacially I can't support my child? Is it wrong for me to give him up while I go and pursue a career in the Navy as active duty trying to make a better life for us? Only a few people on here who may or may not read this understand where all of this is coming from. I am not just struggling finacially but emotionally and I need some true friends to let me know if I'm a bad mother for this?

Right now I need to pity party myself. I know it's selfish but sometimes in life we need to have one. I feel like such a fucking loser right now. There is so much that I need to vent out and so much to say but some things I have to keep myself. I feel like I've failed at everything in my life. I have failed as a wife, I feel like I've failed as a mother, my son just won't stop getting in trouble and I'm so tired and stressed. I have so much going on. I live in a shit hole, don't qualify for help through the state, which sucks. I can't pay my bills, I don't have the money to fix my car, I barely have money for rent. It sucks really bad. I'm behind by like $600 from that stupid hurricane and I'm so ready to give up on life it's not even funny. I just don't have any hope anymore, thus my own little pity party. I thought I had found the one man I could be with the rest of my life, the one I thought I could be with the rest of my life is with someone else which he didn't have the guts to tell me. Which hurts. It hurts alot, as does losing one of my best friends over the weekend, because it was time to let him go. It was time to give up this poisonous friend. This friend that I thought I fell in love with. It wasn't love but I do truly care for him and his son. I just wish I knew what to say and do I wish that something great would happen and just keep that wonderful momentum going. I need to learn how to focus on my goals and to give myself the benefit of the doubt.I don't know how to feel good about myself. I don't know how to do that. I really don't. I wish I did. I wish I knew what to do.

As of right now I'll be leaving Fubar for awhile if not for good. Thank you to all of the wonderful friends I've met here. Many of you know my number or yahoo im. I am not sure if I'll be on yahoo. Due to some personal issues I'm having to deal with I need to leave and be alone for awhile. Again thank you so much to all the wonderful friends I've made. If anyone who wants to im me I'm at erlane@yahoo.com. If I don't respond just give me time, just right now I need to leave this site and some of the cruel immature idiots and get offline for awhile to deal with the very real and stressful problems in my life. Take care.

The wind was cold and biting. The sand soft beneath our feet. The stars sparkled above. There was noone else on the beach that night just two crazy 19 yr olds enjoying thier first date. We walked slowly away from the water tryin to put the wind at our backs. As we walked we talked, so many years ago I don't recall the conversation. It was so cold, so you pulled me into your arms and what started as a hug turned into a slow dance. A dance that lasted only a short time but the memories remain forever. As the stars twinkled we fell into the slow rythem of nothing but the sound of the waves and wind.

I can no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. I've loved all the attention but my heart belongs to someone. Someone I shared a dance with so long ago. Someone I never thought I'd love. Someone I thought was out of my life forever. We live so far apart and due to circumstances I'm unable to go home to be with him. He can't leave home because it's where his life is, his job, his work. He's a simple man and it's one of the things I love and admire about him most. No drama. No lies. I don't trust many but I'll always trust him. I'll always feel safe in his arms. I'll always have his heart as he has mine. We've loved each other for so long and I'm tired of searching for something that is right in front of me. I just have to find a way to be with the one I want. I can't wait another three years. I don't think he can either. From this moment on I'll do what I can to prove to him that even though so many years have passed and we've both changed in so many ways that I am the woman for him as he is the man for me. I want to prove to him that we belong together because we keep coming back together. We were made for each other and forever more will we be in love. I gave up on love once, I will not do it again. This is my second chance. I will not give this second chance up as I'll have no other. The heart wants what the heart wants and my heart yearns to be free and to be with and love only one man. So I'm going to stop this foolish pretending because it's not the real me.

There comes a point in life where you just become numb. Or at least I've become numb. No longer do I enjoy sex or the chase. I've been used and abused for so long that I'm numb to it all. Maybe not all, a few people still have the power to turn me on, but they can also turn me off. I've gotten to a point where I'm numb in every aspect of my life. I don't like my job, don't like alot of my families. Second guess every move I make, ask myself is this the right thing for me and my child. Wishing I could get back to where I was happy and where life didn't suck and I had so very much to look forward to. Nothing seems to go right and when I finally started to fall in love it was with someone who was more wrong for me than my ex. So now I'm numb to everyone and everything.