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Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all! The saying goes tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Does anyone really know the real meaning behind that? I'd like to think I learned about that the hard way about three years ago. It was a mild December night in 1998 when I walked in the backyard and into the light came the most beautiful wonderful man I've ever known. It was love at first sight. He made me laugh so much that night and I was in total aww of him and how amazing he truly was. He was the most wonderful and handsome man I'd ever met. He amazed me and we could talk for hours. That night we did talk for hours. When we were together it was as if noone else was around it was just the two of us. It was like that everytime. He became one of my dearest and best friends. He was always there for me and he could see my heart when he looked into my eyes. We shared a secret between the two of us. I knew something about him that he didn't share with others. We saw each other's hearts and souls even when not face to face. He was the first man to ever tell me I was beautiful and when he said it I knew he was saying it from the deepest part of his heart. He saw me as noone else ever has or ever will. He loved and accepted me for who I truly am. It hurt so much to leave him that last time. That last night was the most amazing night of my life. We went to dinner, he was the only person who told me I was a beautiful bride, I heard it in his voice, saw it in his eyes, he wished it was he standing beside me in those pictures. We had dinner and then we went to take a walk on the beach. I'll never forget that walk. Though I was newly married we walked side by side and slipped our hands together like it was the most natural thing in the world. We talked about our feelings for one another. It was hard to admit to him that I cared about him. We discussed the what if's the coulda beens. We talked of what would've been if we had chosen to be together. It was to late, I was married to another. Never in my life had I wished I was not married to the man I married because I married Eric because I loved him. But he didn't love me or give me the love I needed. He wasn't there for me emotionally and I didn't realize because I was to shy that Bud could have given me everything. I was so afraid to admit to the person I had fallen for the moment I met him, that I loved him. So we walked down the beach and we talked. Holding hands. Staying close to each other not wanting the moment to end. We sat and watched the waves crash against the shore that warm August night. The water was glowing that night. The stars were out and the moon was shining bright as a half cresent. At one point I started rubbing his shoulders and his skin was so smooth. I ached to kiss his soft skin, to touch more than his shoulders. It was the perfect night to make love on the beach. Or to have a first kiss on the beach. We left the beach and drove around going to different spots and talking and laughing. I popped in Gloria Estefan's Don't Let This Moment End. We drove around for hours and talked for hours. Listened to that song, sang to the song. We neither one wanted the night to end, the moment to end. Without saying it we both knew it. We ended up back at his house and walked out to the dock. We sat and shared a cigarette knowing the night was coming to a end. Still not wanting it to end. He looked over at me and said " I'm so tempted to kiss you right now", I said " I am to". He said " I can't though cuz your married now and I have to much respect for Eric", I told him I admire him for that. We got up and he walked me to my car, he opened my door for me. I turned to him and told him how much I hate goodbyes, he said it's not goodbye. He pulled me into his arms for a hug and we held on to each other not wanting to let go. Our hearts beating as they came together. I can still feel his arms around me now. I can feel how safe I felt and I felt the love we felt for one another. Just to scared to tell each other how we felt. The embrace ended and by the light of the moon we saw the tears in our eyes, I got in my car and started to drive away. The tears came easily at this point and then out of my mouth popped the words " I'll never see him alive again". As soon as it came I wanted the thought and the words to be gone and not true. I knew in my heart it was true and part of me longed to turn around and change history. To turn around and go back to his arms and cry that I wanted him to live, to stay alive for me and to love me as I love him. Then the other part of me said I can't do it, I'm married and I can't go back and ruin my marriage. I had just gotten married and married the other man I love. That night I drove away from my second soulmate and the love of my life. The one man I should've been with. The man I'll love for the rest of my life. The man who loved me heart and soul, the man who loved me for me and I could be the real true me with and around. The only man I'm sure I could actually trust and we could have had the most wonderful life together. If I had turned around that night he might be alive. If I hadn't ended our friendship he might still be alive. So the moral of all of this is that I guess it was better to have known that type of love than to never have it. I wouldn't change the memories I have of him for any reason. Three years ago on August 13 2005 the love of my life took his life. He undressed, folded and placed his clothes on the very dock we were last on and slipped naked into the darkness of the water. They found his body under the dock the next day. I learned a month later when I got the nerve to call the same person who introduced us and asked about Bud. My marriage was over and I was ready to call and at least tell him hi and tell him that I really love him, I didn't want to ruin his life, but I needed him to know how I felt. I had no idea he was unhappy in his marriage, I had no idea he was going to take his life. It wasn't until about a year or so later I realized the signficance of August 13th. He died 6 years to the day the last time we were together where we were last together. My heart broke totally that day and I realized how much I truly loved him. I realized that it was right there in front of me the whole time and I passed it up. The love I had always wanted and needed was right there in front of me. The man of my dreams was always right there. I let him go, I wanted my marriage to work and ended our friendship. Knowing I loved him when we ended our friendship. Knowing he was who I needed to be with. Not having the guts to leave the hell I was in. So I've loved, truly loved and I've lost. I deal with that lost everyday. I miss him everyday and wouldn't want anyone to have to go through the same pain I've gone through. It's taken me a long time not to cry everyday, a long time to move on. I realize now I'll never get that kind of love back. I'll never find anyone who can ever be like him. Who will love me as he did or who will have my heart and my love as he always will. I've lost the love of my life and I'm grateful that I got to have him in my life. He was not only my soulmate not only the love of my life, he was my best friend. I love him and I've lost him forever more. No longer to see his face which is slowly fading from my memory. No longer to hear his soft loving voice tell me how beautiful I am. No longer to hear him sing to me. No longer to hug me and make me feel safe. No longer to sit with him by the water as we both feel as one and at peace with the earth and with each other. So I've loved and lost and will always love him.

Missing you

Right now I'm missing you. Missing your voice, missing the way you made me feel. Missing your love. Missing all we had and all I gave up. Missing your love. Missing your touch. Missing your little quirks. Missing your heart missing your soul. I miss you so much. I love you more than anyone or anything I've ever known in my life. Three years ago I lost you and it hurts still. I miss hearing you tell me how beautiful you think I am. I miss how you knew everything about me, even if we were miles apart. You knew my heart like no other. I miss you so much and love you so much. I'm lost without you, without your love. I'm missing you. I'm missing what we had, what we could've had what we would've had. I'm missing the beautiful love we wanted and the beautiful love we lost. I was stupid for not seeing it sooner and wish I could turn back the hands of time. If I could, I wouldn't be missing you. If I could turn back time I would have turned around that night and went back to you and we would have had our kiss. No matter what my status we would have kissed. It was all I ever wanted. I know if we had kissed our lives would be different and maybe just maybe I wouldn't be missing you. Maybe just maybe I could have saved your life that night. Maybe if we had kissed it would have saved your life. I wouldn't be missing you so much right now. I love you and miss and will do what I can to honor you and our love. I will love you until the day I die.
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