Feeling depressed, finally feeling this loss. Want to feel numb, won't allow that to happen. Want you to call, and tell me it will be ok, I'm strong, and can handle seeing his family. Christ they were like my family as a little kid. I want to just go to a bar and drink until I can't walk, I want to do anything to take this pain away. I don't want to go, I don't want to stay, I just want him alive again. Why after so many years of not talking, not due to anything other than we ran in different circles does this pain hurt so much? I can't figure it out, I'm the strong one, I don't cry, I don't allow myself to anyway that is. I want your arms around me holding me up as the tears and the inability to take in air starts. I want you to hold me tighter than you ever have, and make me feel ok, well at least for a few minutes. I want this to be over, I want no deaths for at least 1 year. I want to make sense. I want to allow myself to cry. I want you to be there for me. I need you to be the friend to me that you say you are. I want you to call and find out how I am doing, find out if there is anything you can do to ease my pain. You are a man's, man and I know that being the role I need you to be right now is out of the question. I just need to cry.
