as I know they may be based in love but right now I'm so full of rage, pain and fed up with being told what I'm not being enough, doing enough, fighting hard enoough and that I'm a fake victom... I fight every day with every breath, thought,heartbeat, blink and sheer control not to sit and scream all day. I know my friends and acquaintances can only read my typed words, but those who "care care" take the time to ask me for the whole picture. Right now on weekends, if you want to know it all, call me, I can talk for hours, but not so during the week as I now have to fight my insurance company on the one of over 9 ER trips in the last month. So please, if, even in love, your going to chide me, or take offense, or anything else not made of sugar; then call me next weekend and I'll do my best to try and give you the whole picture of this massive painting that is my every moment.
No submisive victim here...
Nothing but warrior at heart, so thank you.
So here was my day after I followed the ardent but loving advise to not wait till Monday to see im my wrist was broken because I already owe like 4000$ in ER and hospital bills. I took thier enthusiastic but loving shove to get it checked. So I went to urgency care, hoping to save nobey, and the doctor there ordered me in word and writing immediatly to the er... for the wrist that wasn't broken he discovered but assumed as a wrist doesn't hang limp with very little hand movementality, if thats a word, so even though I was willing to wait till Monday as it costs a lot less to go to the doctor than the ER, he refused and said he would contact my insurance as my not doing as ordered. So, Kevin and I swore to make it by sunday... We ended up doing as he told us and went to the ER at 3:15pm, got into a room by 4:30. Then did not see the doctor till 9:15. And until then I wasn't allowed a sip of water or anything for pain "till I was seen by the doctor."
When he finally came he, as I knew would happen, blew through my history and hell even why I was there let alone, the fact I was writhing in paiin from my spine, head, hips, full left arm being nothing but pins and needles and a bed of poison tiped darts of anger and frustration as he strode through my 7 hours of hospital hell saying he was going to give me toradol for the pain, of which I explained how on several occassions, it never helped AT ALL! He simply said, "Well, we'll get that toradol ordered for you so your pain will be taken care of." He said I would feel perfectly well within 20 minutes... an hour plus later, I can tell ya FUCK NO!
So when he waltzed back in with a (I've saved the world and I'm only 25) smile, adjusted his doctor glasses and then played with his thesascope like a woman would a boa, and cockily said, "Pains all gone now isn't it." I looked at him in the eye with the best smile, without bitch slapping the fuckers face, but instead, "I apologize ahead of time, but it hasn't touched any of the pain I came in with, increased to or now feel after you were testing me for numbness that I already... so no. But I'm trying to be nice, so what do you see from my films?"
A little swelling around my left outer wrist bone but as I told your doctors co worker that you need to been seen for the spine, kneck and head..... yada yada yada, passing me on once again. Done I am, Fucking done... no ones gonna push me into things I don't want, need, can or cannot do.
No, I'm not being a fucking victim, cuz anyone who knows me well and takes the time to check in and see if im alive at least every couple days, will tell you, I am fighting, kicking, swinging and riping my way through every doctors orders that i follow hoping matbe this one will fix this or at least maybe care enough to go farther and not pass me on to someone else that i have to spend a month educating thhem on this rare but fucking painfully debilitating stupid head disease. Its someone elses turn, I want off this fucked ride...
