Nix the Vixen's blog: "Nix's Journal"

Showers are always my conduit for brainstorms ... today's shower birthed the idea of Nothing. If in math, something can always be multiplied forever without end, then obviously it can also be divided forever without end. So there's no such thing as zero. There's no such thing as Nothing. Infinite smallness. But doesn't math apply to all realms of life? If so... everything we experience can never be without existence. So, you will always be able to multiply love, and always divide love. But there will never be a true absence of love. Nor will there ever NOT be fear, war, sadness... the best you can wish for is a reduction of these "negativities". Which means that the bad is as necessary as the good. Another thought... if you exist now- you can never be nothing. If that is the case, what is death? Is it simply a reduction of life? Death cannot be nothing if there is no true zero. But then... how to prove that you exist in the first place?....... that's a question for another day. (the best questions have no real solutions, they keep you reaching for more)

I'm entertaining the thought of taking a creative writing class. I love writing because somehow my words are more free on a clean sheet of paper, than stumbling over my mind, into my throat and out of my mouth- to be sometimes lost on a stray breeze. Letters have always held more truth for me than numbers. Words may not "add up" like numbers, in that logical sense, but they paint a beautiful world. To me the choice between math and literature was simple ... you can accept reality, which is unchanged no matter your perspective, and realize that you have no impact on that cold reality. Or, you can shape an entire existence from a single thought. And who is to say which reality holds more importance? Expression vs. Logic. Well, I'm sure the order in which I just placed the choices shows my preference. My dilemma with taking such a course is based on my reluctance to share my ideas, my words, my world. Most of my life I've spent at the fringe of acceptance. Adults marveled at my maturity until they felt threatened by my "wisdom" remarking that I cannot possibly know what I know simply because I don't have the years under my belt with which to prove myself. My peers felt uncomfortable with anything that required them to think, so my questions went unanswered, my presence ignored. As I got older it seemed that the challenges to fit in got harder. Having a beautiful face, long, shinny hair, and a constant sensual way about me- only bred hurtful comments from other girls... I was a bitch, a whore, a dog. Being a tomboy was natural, (since my father raised me to be the boy he always wanted) which helped me escape a little of the female scorn. But once puberty hit, it was impossible to hang with the guys without having to deal with unwanted advances (looks, jokes, touches). Add to this my tendency for premonitions and "other worldly weird shit," ... and it's not a recipe for unity and acceptance. My haven was words- my words. So do I really want to take my little hidden world, serve it up on a silver platter, and allow vultures to feed off the small place I with held safely for so damn long? Ahhh what the hell... I'm not afraid of anything, remember???? Besides, I like a challenge.

The guy who hit my car this morning was lucky I already had coffee. I waved him off, after the idot rear ended me at a red light- there was no damage, and I was in a hurry. Starbucks saved another day! Though, I should have taken this for an omen... At the Mayo Clinic (no Keno- I didn't order a sandwhich!) I spent 45 minutes listening to the genetics counselor give me a crash course in 7th grade biology and 8th grade anatomy... I realize I may have passed with D's but that's simply because I'm too smart for school, damn it.. and I got bored. I know how DNA works! That lecture really tested my patience and my ability to harness my A.D.D. Next I was escorted down the hall where I was to have blood drawn. An impossible feat- even on my best day... I warned the technican that it would be difficult, and if she could swallow her pride and her need to stroke her ego- simply get her senior lab monkey to do the job- it would be less stressful. Yeah... she didn't listen... spent 5 minutes of bliss ::eyeroll:: with her fishing inside of my arm for the vein. No luck, no surprise. Her superior lab monkey offered to help- sticking me two more times before they gave up. I was ordered to go home and drown in gatorade.... Leaving the lab I was greeted by a symphony... seriously- piano, violin, bass... that combined with the expensive art smothering the walls made me laugh. Ohhh the irony! It reminded me of the Titanic sinking. "We're all going to die, but at least well be well entertained!"

You won't hear from me for a while... I'm going on a cruise with my boys to Mexico for a week. I'll be sure to take plenty of pictures and share with those interested.... To all of my friends... have a great week, I will miss talking to you. To those of you who have my cell phone number, you can call me until I get to the L.A. port on Sunday... after that I will be enjoying the lack of traffic, cold weather, cell phones, teacher conferences, laundry. ... ahhhhh I really do need this vacation! Much love! XOXO

It's 3:01 am. Insomnia is usually a bitch, but a little worse since my recent plastic surgery. I'm recovering well... pics on file, but let me tell you... there's no kinda pain like the AIR CONDITIONER PAIN. (My boyfriend gets a chuckle when I complain about this....sadist!) Sore boobs and hard nipples make for a sleepless Nix. Somebody come talk to me.... I'm awake and bored.

Ohhh what a birthday I had! Two of my best friends flew out from the east coast, and along with a couple others we spent all WEEK playing. (amazing meals, lots of drinking, the arcade, movies, adult board games- I won those cause I'm the biggest pervert...) First of course, came the birthday present from the boyfriend- lack of sleep. He was more than happy to keep me up all night, my neighbors probably thought someone was being abused. Well... actually.... lol. I didn't complain about having to function on two hours of sleep... he made breakfast for me and all my friends. Crepes. Yum. Talk about a fantastic fucking boyfriend. Then it was off to do some go kart racing... I beat everyone- thoroughly. Oh and then we had a crazy orgy.... my boyfriend, me, and four of my girl friends. 8 pairs of hands, 6 mouths... licking, screaming, begging for more.... Oh wait that was my dream last night. Nevermind. Now I have to make xmas plans... and new years too.... I'm thinking the orgy is a must! Hahahaha!

Yesterday I had some religious fanatic leave me a message on my door.... "The end of false religion is near"...Grrrrrr. I could go off on my usual rant about religion and oppression... the differences between spirituality and religion.... why is it that Halloween brings more and more crazies to my door? Is it the decor in my front yard? The gore has a way of doing that I guess. Nix... the Necromancer.... or maybe it's the pentacle sign on my door that says Merry Meet.... anyway... I open the door today defensively, expecting someone to ask me if I have found god yet.... (I keep telling god to pack the GPS unit when going on road trips so she doesn't get lost and I don't have keep hunting her down) Well I was suprised, instead of a bible thumper, I got a nice little invite to a lingerie and TOY party.... it says to dress up... I'm thinking my fetish wear might be too much... so no Domme outfits, but maybe at least a mask and one whip???? Yippeeeeeee...... sex is my favorite "sin"! And if I'm going to hell I'm going to make sure I deserve it..... besides my lost soul gives the bible thumpers something to strive for.