Nix the Vixen's blog: "Nix's Journal"

I sat here, trying to describe him... words failed me. After the last man in my life broke my heart at the worst possible time... I swore off all relationships and love... So, this guy would have to be something fucking amazing in order to get me to open up and let my guard down again........... that's just what he did. My friends call him a lucky bastard, but I think they might have it wrong. At a time in my life when I wasn't looking for anything, he walks into my world and gives me everything. I'm the lucky one. I can't describe him... words wouldn't do justice- but he's changed my world, and I'm loving every moment of it. I should be scared, running like hell........... maybe he just did what so many have tried and failed- tamed the Nix. I have no desire to be anywhere else but in his presence. *********UPDATE******************** I'm not dating this person anymore. I've grown, moved on, and am on my way to becoming the person I most wanted to be before I let my illness and a toxic relationship keep me from my dreams. Onward and upward (literally-I'm becoming a helicopter pilot)

I'm overly protective of those few people in my inner circle. Those people who touch my heart get my friendship for life. So when Molly came into my life, dating my abusive step brother, she qualified for my loyalty, love, and protection. Last night I had enough of listening to her cry as she cowered in fear from his screams, his taunts..... I threatened to break his jaw, but what I really want to do is slice his throat and watch him choke on his own blood. What the fuck is wrong with men who think it's okay to not only control a woman, but belittle her, hurt her, torture her. I've seen this happen to so many of my step brothers girlfriends, and I'm not going to stand around and watch it happen to Molly who is like my sister now. She is visiting me from Washington, but there's no way I'm going to let her go back to him. I'm forcing her to stay... it scares her to think about how much this will piss him off, but she also sees the hope on the horizon. Maybe if I can get her away from him for long enough,I can save her life... God knows he's already destroyed too many women before her. How can someone be so cruel? Why would a man hurt the woman he claims to love? I just don't understand. Does it make them feel big and strong? I can't understand women who will stay in this type of relationship..... I had one brush with an abusive guy, in high school. He made the mistake of slapping me across my face so hard I lost hearing in one ear for a week.... and then he stood over me telling me how much I deserved that slap, because I was being a smart ass bitch. He told me I should learn from my mistake. Well, I did. I stood up... walked over to him with tears of anger in my eyes, and kicked his leg as hard as I could. The screams from his broken leg were one of the most satisfying moments of my life. Molly isn't as strong as me, emotionally or physically...... but now she has someone to be strong for her. You see, I protect the people I love, even if it means killing the people who are blood. *************UPDATE************************* Molly is now living happily with her beautiful daughter... where-? I will never tell. I protect her with every thought and action. I've since taught her how to fight, how to be brave, how to feel good about herself, how to walk down the street with her head held high. It has been a long year for her- but she's gotten past her guilt, and now she smiles every day. She's a bright, beautiful woman who will have a chance to shine. And my niece will NEVER know her abusive father...... she will be afforded the luxury of living with strong women as mentors and she'll know how to kick ass! To all the abused women out there- you deserve more. You deserve better. Fight for it, because you're worthy of love.

I was out of the hospital for two full weeks last time, before having to go back in an emergency. I had a blockage in my stomach that prevented food from passing. With Morphine for the pain, and Phenergan for the sickness I was admitted into the damn hospital again. Where they kept me for over a week, before deciding to once again, cut my stomach open to fix things. I was in so much pain that they were forced to give me a medication that was 10 times stronger than Morphine... and I got it three ways... a continuous drip, a button for "as needed relef", and an additonal shot from the nurse, should I need more. This went on for weeks before I was discharged and allowed to go home, with a small bottle of Percoset. Ahhhhh... withdrawls. So much fun. Since painkillers are opiates, the only thing you can relate this type of withdrawl to is one from Heroine. Not a drug I would ever dream of touching, but here I was, knee deep in shakes, twitches, vomiting, fevers- and nothing could stop it.... Thankfully, I made it past that. Now my only problem is a stomach pain that's so bad that I can't stand up straight, I'm weak from the 25 pounds I suddenly lost- I can't even lift the milk jug, I can't eat more than a few crackers a day- no appetite, and I feel sick all day, every day. Besides that- I'm all good....... Now let's all knock on wood and hope another blockage doesn't happen yet again.

After two weeks in the hospital, with nothing to eat... I was released three days ago. I'm back home, but not quite back to myself these days. I miss my friends, most of whom didn't call at all while I was in the hospital. But since I was high on morphine the entire time anyway, it wouldn't really have mattered. So, I'm home... and in pain- every minute of everyday. It actually hurts less to starve myself, than it does if I eat... imagine swallowing shards of glass- that's what the insides of my body go through whenever I eat anything now. But at least I have control- I get to choose my pain. Starving hurts less so my diet- yogurt, bananas, and soup. I hope things improve. I have things to do and people to screw!

It's April 16, or so the marker board in my room states.... it also states the name of my current nurse, the physical therapist's name and extention, and what I'm allowed to eat: Ice chips. It's the first thing that I see when I wake up cold, in the middle of the night, in my narrow, all too firm hospital bed. Why do they always paint hospitals a bland color? Is it supposed to be comforting? If I'm to be stuck somehwere for weeks on end, I'd like it to be colorful... I'd prefer a bright blue room, one that matches my hair color. My hair color seems to be a good conversation starter. Last night, while walking slowly around the third floor (this is almost cause for celebration- any escape from my cold room is) I met Ira. She was hobbling, hunched over, pushing her I.V. machine in front of her, as was I. She commented on my hair and a friendship was born....not a soul mate type pf friendship, but more like commodery. Like a roommate in jail.... She joked with me that she could beat me, walking that lap around the nurses' desk- truth was, she probably could and she looked like she'd be born sometime before fire was discovered. I'm quite febble these days. Things to look forward to tomorrow: doctors waking me at 5 am, more shots, and sweet talking the nurses to see how much I can get away with. I swear- I can be sweet when I need to. Tonight's nurse, Naomi, allowed me to use the hospital's laptop... she warned me to behave on it so I don't get her into trouble. I swindled some Italian ice from Sharon last night. Hey, it's a big deal when you haven't had anything to eat in 12 days! Anyway..... Both my arms are black and blue from the shoots I get daily, I'm wearing a hospital gown that makes me feel as sexy as a wart on an elephant's ass, and I'm bored out of my mind..... but as promised- I'm still alive!!! Have a great week! Hopefully I'll escape soon and scarf down some Starbuck's on the way home!!!

Really... very sorry for being so down lately. With my operation coming up- having my lower intestines removed- (April 5th... wish me luck- and a fast recovery... and hope they don't find cancer) you would think fate would be just a little more kind. Nope.... all at once the bad news starts pouring in from every corner of my life. Starting with my boyfriend leaving me. Nice timming don't you think? My brother decided to enlist... he's going into the special forces- well done bro, thanks. And other little details, that alone seem trivial, but compounded seem foreboding, like a granite tower of obstacles. Anyway... not looking for pity or sympathy... I want to appologize for the little breakdowns I seem to be having along the way. Seems like the closer I get to my surgery- the less optimistic I can remain. Please just be understanding and patient... I'm distracted too... so when I don't have time to talk or I blow you off- understand it's not you. I'm strong- I tend to rebound from little set backs very quickly. So, bare with me...... and if we do talk- don't bring up any of these situations as a topic for discussion- distract me!!! Denial is always a fun game to play!!!!

Men... fun times. ::eyeroll:: The men in my life enter through the door, browsing, looking for "something different" or "something fun". Well... you came to the right place. I'm fucking unique alright... These men are tired of relationships without adventure, sex, stimulation of the mind... They're tired of their dead end jobs, beige walls, fake women, stale food. They end up leaving me for various reasons... too extreme, can't be controlled, too honest, not accessible. Or they just weren't honest with their needs and abilities. When lamenting on this subject... Nor (my dear) gave me some insight: "You're like a Porche, and they can only afford a Honda". Okay, well that makes me feel a little better... but I wanna be a VIPER instead! Thanks Nor ... and to all the other wonderful guys in my life who are just awesome as hell: GREG (Reck), Lief, Keno, Ben, Russ, and Justin.

As much as I like to rant... I LOVE to laugh. Many people online complain that I'm being one sided, sharing only my anger. This is true- these blogs are an outlet for my frustration. But I make a point to be silly and laugh everyday... though most of you won't see that... it's reserved for my family, mostly... my kids. So, things that make me laugh... One day my oldest kid "Shark" asks (while in the car, listening to Nelly) "Mom, when am I going to be old enough to get a gold grill?" ...I almost crashed the car I laughed so hard. After coming home from school I asked my youngest "Loki" if he took of his shoes before coming in the house. "Loki, did you take your shoes off like I asked?" He replied, "Yes Mommy". I said, "You took your shoes off... and left them at the door, Loki?" ..... "yes Mommy" he said again. "Loki, if you took off your shoes............................................. why the hell are they still on your feet?" My three year old taught me a valuable lesson: ask a stupid question, you're going to get a stupid answer. The time Shark found my handcuffs and decided to lock them on his ankles... not knowing there was no key to be found. The police disbatcher chuckled a little, but sent out the police. Once the police arrived, and realized he couldn't open the cuffs, he chuckled a little and called the fire department. Finally, with 7 hot men in my house, all making jokes about why I needed handcuffs to begin with......... we got the cuffs off. They gave me the number of a 24 hour lock smith in my area- you know, in case other emergencies come up. Of course when my kids run down the hall with interesting new toys they found in mom's room....... and start a "sword fight"..... in front of house guests... you can't do anything but laugh. So see.......................... I'm not always angry.

I just got home from watching 300 this morning, and it must be said, that if I wore panties- I'd have to take them off because they'd be soaking wet. 300 is based on an amazing tale of courage and selflessness.... But, were it not for the dramatic effects of shadow and darkness, the intense sound effects, and the gore ... this would have been another Attila. Which was a good movie made for USA, also staring Gerard Butler (300 King Leonidas), as Attila the Hun, but sadly, Attila lacked enough punch to carry it off of the silver screen... To borrow my friend, Reck's term, 300 had that gritty and intense "graphic novel" feel because the director was inspired by the comic by Frank Miller. And thank the gods for that nerdy inspiration because this film rocked! It was a beautifully horrific dance of violence that had the sadist in me, near orgasm for two hours! Even if the accuracy of small details like armor and fighting formations were a little off... with scenes like the Persian wall- where thousands of dead Persians were stacked on top of each other to form an enormous wall- you kinda forget all the little details. See it ... now! I swear, if you're not busy laughing your ass off at the dark humor or grinning while watching the carnage- there's something wrong with you!

Life is built of tiny moments. One small movement in the right place can knock over a tower of granite. One small rain drop may cause a flower to blossom. One word and an ego can be lifted or crushed. These tiny moments hold so much weight. One stiff breeze and the last leaf of Autumn falls to the ground, and winter is upon us. Happy Spring to you, my foe Frost just found me.