Ok, so it's Friday morning, and I woke up thinking about this. We have all gone through so much in our lives, and we like to believe that we have become better people out of these situations, but are we? I know that personally I am starting to wonder about my own self. I have dealt with so much crap in my life time that I am starting to wonder if I have became some crazy nut instead. Yeah, I try to keep it together, and no I never tried to kill myself to stop all the drama, but I have become one mean, cold woman if you ask some people. To others, they think I am one of the strongest people they know. They sit and look at me with admiration, and wonder how I ever got through it. And I think "why?". Do I really deserve for people to think that about me? Do I really have it together like they think I do? I wonder sometimes. There are times when I feel like my life is finally coming together, and I can finally let my guard down and be me again. Then some dumb idiot or some dumb situation comes along and screws it all up. I am forced to become super cold again in order to protect me, and quite frankly I am sick and tired of having to be that way. There was a time in my life when I was a bitch everyday just so I didn't have to deal with people. But when I realized I was being that way to my kids also, so I had to change that up real fast. And now that I am so involved in my church, and am trying to change my life for the better, I really can't be that way either. So I see people trying to take advantage of it again. Is there really a half way point? Or can I say screw it and just be me all the time without having to deal with all the crap being thrown at me all the time? I guess these questions are like the question about how many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie roll pop. No one really will ever know. So I guess I will have to coninue to grow "stronger" because I know life's experiences will never stop until the day i die. And honestly....i just needed to vent a little bit. Have a good weekend!!!
Love,
Jamie
