There was a line from Practical Magic, always rang true for me.
"Sometimes I think if you put my heart up to your ear you could hear the ocean."
So many times I looked upon the expanses of my heart as a desolate plane of nothingness.
There has been an awakening, like the desert getting rain. Suddenly there are growing things
and beauty popping up from sleepy tombs in unmarked graves. My spirit had been cast into an eternal winter
shards of ice pierced the already bleeding wounds and scars left by past failures.
So many parts of myself had been locked away. Hidden and unbidden for countless years on end.
Hoping that someday the holder of the key would appear. Not that I held out much hope of having that happen.
Time heals all wounds they say.... funny that is a cliche that doesn't hold water.
It leaks like a jar that won't seal. Hurts and disappointments piled themselves in front of caves that led to the core of my true self.
Echoes of who I used to be long ago in a time far past. Here with in the confines of my secret heart is where I yearn for love that will open the flood gates.
Melt the ice that has formed and let the water sluice away the transgressions purpetraded by those who had no care for how they tread upon my heart.
I am not longer a young girl. The years have marked me. Time has betrayed me. For the wounds have not healed. They have festered.
Breaking open from time to time to spew pustules of agony into the recesses of my heart.
Do I get giddy when I think of you? Is there a time when the pangs of longing will end? Have I a care to tread lightly upon your heart,
and to not pass along the wells of sorrow that have been etched into mine? Twice I have given of myself freely with the hopes of making a life that would lead to bliss.
Twice the raven has tapped upon my door.. and as Poe said .. "Nevermore" Left alone and broken. The pieces of my heart a stark reminder of the costs of love.
I stand upon a brink. Trying to decide to take that leap of faith. The impossible step that has before sent my hopes and dreams crashing and plummeting into the depths of despair.
For even in my almost middle years I still hold the fairy tale within myself. That Love will move mountains. That Love conquers all. That there is someone out there meant for me.
So I teeter almost hourly fighting a battle of my hearts choosing. Logic and sense are no armaments when the subject of love bubbles to the surface.
Will I ever have peace? Is there a common ground to stand upon? These are questions that chase around in my brain as the top spins with out slowing.
I am mesmerized by the ability you have to see into the parts of me and see past the false walls and hidden passageways I have erected for protection.
The labyrinth of my defenses has been breeched. My soul cries out for true passion. Where once there was only loneliness and despair there is a budding sense of tranquility.
It is as if I have stepped into a pool of sunlight on a warm day. The motes of dust kicked up from my steps. Swirling about my feet bidding me to take pause and sense the warmth.
Or could it be that I have laid a warm hand upon the frosted pane of glass and warmth spreads like spider webs from it. Revealing the pieces of the puzzle that I thought had been lost.
Odd how small misshapen pieces of the whole picture get blurred by the passing of everyday mundane events. Over looked until stumbled upon.
Then when examined things become sharply focused and are juxtaposed upon a white background of an un-lived future. Brightly colored threads of possiblities are a stark contrast to the
blackness that had become my soul. Can there be a time to explore these endeavors? It has been said that the things you regret most in life are the chances you never took. I no longer look behind
with regret. The past cannot be altered. I can only voice my trepidations and attempt to quell the paranoia that creeps in and steals the breath from my lungs. Constricting the bellows of faith and hope.
Love is a beacon, sounding the horn of truth to attract the weary passengers that have become lost within themselves. Love is an ever changing feeling. Swaying in the breeze, metamorphising into deeper and
more honest territories. I dreampt of a love that would fill my life with joy. Love that could stand the winds of a hurricane. Love that could make others weep, witnessing the union of hearts.
A blending of lives. Where when I look down upon our hands and I cannot tell where yours ends and mine begins. Love that when time has marred my face and body with wrinkles, will still look at me and
see the person that I am and smile. The secret smile. The smile that touches your eyes and heart. The grin of knowing all of the details of their life. A smile that says that I belong with that person and they belong to me.
